In the last three years, my life has changed drastically. After leaving home at the age of 15 to earn a living, I came back to live with my family. They didn’t want me to go back to the life of hardship I had been leading, so they accepted me back into their home. I then joined the NGO Humsafar Trust near my home in Mumbai.

I have several memories of this space. Going back there felt like life had come full circle. This was the trust I had visited several times as a child. They had educated me on what transgenders were and how we were different from the rest. Here I met others like me.

When I came back to work with them as a volunteer last year, I was just coming off a terrible phase in my life. And I was only 23. But it seemed like I had nothing more to look forward to. Now when I look back, it seems it was all meant to be. Barely three months into my stint at Humsafar, someone came to our office to audition us for the 6 Pack Band. Of course, at that time they didn’t tell us what we were being tested for and that a huge studio like Yash Raj was involved.

At the age of 15, just after I completed Std X, I decided to drop out of college. I left home and started earning by going from shop to shop asking for money. That’s what every transgender does, I thought. And I was no different. My parents tried hard to convince me to continue studying, but I didn’t listen. Today I often regret that decision. I was a good student and had I studied, I’d probably be more knowledgable and confident today.

But having said that, I didn’t enjoy my time in school at all. My only memory of that time is being bullied by everyone around. The kids who studied with me would behave like they were normal and I was the odd one that god had made differently. They were also confused about what to call me. Here was a person who looked like a man and behaved liked a girl. I could easily read the questions running through their minds every time I approached them. I managed to make only one friend. He was a couple of years junior to me and belonged to my community. The fear of being bullied is also one of the reasons I chose not to go to college. I had heard that ragging in colleges was far worse and, at that point I didn’t think I had the strength for more torture.

You’ll notice that singing and dancing are something that all transgenders enjoy and are good at. And I was the same. In fact, I’m one of the few transgenders to have a family and home to go back to. Most of us are alone and have little support. I think dance and music are something that keep us going and help fight the loneliness. When the chips are down, we sing to motivate and entertain ourselves.

I’m not trained in dance but you can say the television set was my biggest teacher. I’d spend all my time copying what the actors Sridevi and Madhuri Dixit were doing and then add a few touches myself. This really bothered my mother and I couldn’t understand why. Was I doing something wrong? Am I in a minority or are there other people like me? I just couldn’t figure out why this bothered her so deeply. I remember her once asking me why I couldn’t dance to Salman Khan’s song ‘O O jaane jaana’ instead of imitating actresses. And then it struck me, if a girl plays with a toy airplane, parents don’t bother. But, god forbid, they see a young boy play with a doll, all hell breaks loose. But I couldn’t stay away from my passion. Even when I was working at bars and discos in Goa at a young age, I’d perform for people. Of course, I wasn’t doing it at the level I am now.

When the casting director came to Humsafar, I and four others signed up for the audition. I sang Asha Bhosle’s song ‘Pyaar karne waale, pyaar karete hain shaan se’ and they loved it. I was put through further rounds of tests. In one of them I sang Michael Jackson’s ‘Heal the world.’ I remember them telling me that I was the first of the 200 transgenders auditioned who could sing English songs so beautifully. Finally my years of watching TV had come in useful.

I feel embarrassed admitting this, but ever since I got picked for the band, I spent hours in the bathroom practising acceptance speeches. Recently, at a music award function we performed live and Sonu Nigam introduced us on stage. I couldn’t resist taking the mike from him and giving the speech I’d been rehearsing. It just felt so great. For the first time in my life, I can confidently face people and say I’m now an artiste in a band.

Fida Khan in conversation with Mohini Chaudhuri

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