They say having kids changes everything. While the reality may not be so absolute, parents on Twitter have shown that there is definitely some merit to the statement.
Many funny moms and dads tweet about the difference between their laid back childfree years and the experience of being a parent. We’ve rounded up some of the best examples.
Without further ado, here are 39 hilarious tweets that sum up life before and after kids.
Before kids: Kids will help me with everything around the house.
— Sara (@sara_ashlynn) December 7, 2016
After kids: *scrapes foreign object off wall with chisel*
My goals before kids:
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 29, 2016
1) Get promoted.
2) Do a marathon.
3) Travel.
My goals after kids:
1) Put on pants
2) Fall asleep without crying
Girl's Night Out before kids: Hair done, high heels, red lipstick, low cut top, perfume.
— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) December 16, 2016
Girl's Night Out after kids: Underwire bra, pants.
Thoughts before kids: What's the meaning of life?
— Toni Hammer (@realtonihammer) February 13, 2016
Thoughts after kids: Does the same actress play Daniel Tiger's mom AND Justin Time's mom?
Before kids:
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) February 28, 2017
I'm not going to let kids stop me from doing what I want!
After kids:
*turns down literally every invitation because, kids*
Movie criteria before kids: Is it good?
— Scary Mommy (@ScaryMommy) February 27, 2017
Movie criteria after kids: How long is it? It's already 9 and I'm really tired.
#Oscars
Before kids: "I won't assume others find my kid cute."
— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) September 29, 2016
After kids: *Arranges furniture around play area so everyone can enjoy the cuteness.
Life before kids:
— Beau Coffron (@lunchboxdad) October 10, 2016
Who would ever need "THIS" in bulk?!
Life as a parent after kids:
How did we ever do without "THIS" in bulk?!
Marriage goals before kids: Make love daily, don't take each other for granted, disagree respectfully.
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) December 19, 2016
After: Stay up after kids go to bed.
Xmas before kids: food, unwrap, hugs, see ya!
— Momzilla111 (@Momzilla111) December 25, 2015
After kids: open box, twisty ties, open box, twisty ties, open box, twisty ties, open box, tw
How I knew he was the one: Before Kids: brought me flowers & wine.
— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) January 27, 2015
Why I still know: After Kids: Brings me coffee in bulk and wine in bulk.
Exciting Groupon offers...
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) April 25, 2016
Before Kids:
•Wine tastings
•Pub tours
•Bed & breakfasts
After Kids:
•Carpet cleaning
•Bounce houses
•Bulk wine
Before kids: Someone else pukes, YOU puke.
— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) November 20, 2014
After kids: Watching, fascinated, as your boy power-boots across the room. Meatloaf! I knew it!
Before kids: OMG these painful shoes are SO cute! *buys*
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) March 15, 2017
After kids: I'll take these ergonomic, moderately hideous shoes in all 4 colors.
Before kids: Ashamed to admit you liked that raunchy porn
— stabbatha christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) January 9, 2017
After kids: Ashamed to admit you really liked that movie w/ the talking cat
Before kids: Quiet children seems like a nice goal.
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) July 12, 2016
After kids: What's the medical term for "fear of quiet children" because I have that.
Before kids: I need those shoes!!
— MommieKnowsfresh (@MommieKnwsFresh) July 8, 2015
After kids: Did you see that new mop that cleans the baseboards!!
Google before kids: "Cool sex moves"
— highlyirritable (@highlyirritable) October 7, 2015
Google after kids: "LEGO Ninjago: Masters of Spinjitzu: Rebooted: Fall of the Golden Master Season 3"
Halloween: Before kids, a great excuse to dress sexy. After kids, a great excuse to wear pajamas to a party.
— carly kimmel (@carlykimmel) October 27, 2013
Trips before kids:
— Beau Coffron (@lunchboxdad) December 31, 2016
Let's spontaneously leave for the weekend in 10 minutes!
After kids:
It's going to take all weekend just to pack.
Before Kids: Long day. Let's go out and treat ourselves to a nice dinner.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) March 30, 2015
After Kids: I FOUND A CHCKEN NUGGET IN THE COUCH! WANNA SPLIT IT?
Disney movies and song before having kids: 😁
— Corbin Adam Scott (@corbinadamscott) May 1, 2017
After having kids: pic.twitter.com/hbIBWmvyDt
Saturdays before kids: (calm voice) “What should we do today?”
— Sammy Rhodes (@sammyrhodes) February 8, 2014
Saturdays after kids: (panicked voice) “What should we do today?”
Sex before kids: raunchy
— SpacedMom (@copymama) April 24, 2017
Sex after kids: paunchy
Before kids, I'd milk an illness so I could stay in bed all day. After kids, I learned to mask it so they couldn't sense my weakness.
— One Classy Motha (@MothaKim) July 22, 2014
Before kids: Catch a cold and you're sick for 3 days.
— Toni Hammer (@realtonihammer) May 13, 2016
After kids: Catch a cold and you're sick for 10 years.
Before sons: Secretly judged parents for giving kids Benadryl on flights
— Myrrh (@ixix82) November 19, 2016
After sons: Secretly wish they hadn't outlawed Children's Paregoric
Romance before kids: Flowers, wine, candles, foreplay
— Ramblin' Mama (@ramblinma) May 17, 2016
Romance after kids: When my husband uses air freshener after he destroys our bathroom
Dinner before kids: Chicken, roasted asparagus & homemade bread
— Toni Hammer (@realtonihammer) January 29, 2016
Dinner after kids: Cheerios picked up off the floor while cleaning up pee
Before kids: My best friends are the ones I hear from the most.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) March 14, 2017
After kids: My best friends are the ones who expect the least of me.
Sex before kids: Everywhere. Anywhere. Hot.
— Court (@Discourt) March 23, 2015
Sex after kids: In the midst of sneaking, you kick a pile of toys and Olaf screams "HEADS UP!"
Before kids: OMG, gross, I HAVE to shower everyday.
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) February 24, 2017
After kids: Isn't showering more than a few times a week bad for your skin anyway?
Going to the movies alone before kids: Depressing.
— Ramblin' Mama (@ramblinma) December 18, 2015
Going to the movies alone after kids: Not talk to anyone for 2 hours? TAKE MY MONEY.
Goals for kids before actually having them: have infinite patience, never cuss, don't let them watch TV.
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) March 15, 2017
After: get them to put on shoes.
Before kids: I'd help my kids achieve any dream, no questions!
— Susan McLean (@NoDomesticDiva) September 10, 2016
After Kids: Kid says they want to grow up to be a meatball & u need a minute
NY Goals before kids:
— Meredith (@PerfectPending) December 29, 2016
Eat better, exercise, spend more time w/friends, be open to opportunities.
After kids:
Keep them alive 1 more year
Things I've learned since becoming a mom: Before children: "I'd never let my children do that!" After children: "Just don't hurt yourself.."
— MommieKnowsfresh (@MommieKnwsFresh) February 26, 2014
Before kids: Online shopping--alone and at home--is such a luxury.
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) April 28, 2017
After kids: Shopping--alone and at an actual store--is such a luxury.
Before kids: Our neighbor is a lunatic she's constantly screaming at her kids. After Kids: Hi neighbor come on over for coffee I so get you!
— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) April 5, 2013
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