Dr Watsa knows what women want

Author of It’s Normal, Dr Mahinder Watsa is known for his witty columns, work as founder and pro-bono with the sexuality education, counselling, research, therapy/training unit of the Family Planning Association of India-Mumbai, and has won several awards for his work on sex education and sexology. The veteran sexpert whose career spans four decades talks about new concerns women are facing in the bedroom.

You say there’s a sharp rise in women writing to you. What are the numbers?

Earlier, I would get about 70 emails a year from women; now I get the same number of questions in a quarter. There has been a sharp rise. Even at seminars, a lot more women are coming forward and asking questions, rather than men.

What do you think that is?

Due to changes in lifestyle, independence and job opportunities in the past decade. As spaces for women and men to meet have increased, they are encountering (sexual) issues, and more urban women are opening up about their personal (sexual) problems. At the same time, they are also looking for confidentiality. The other reason they seek advice is that very few women have well-informed male partners.

Are these married or unmarried women?

I’m increasingly seeing more questions from unmarried women.

What are their concerns?

Things like missing periods when they are in a relationship. Or cases where one has been with a man for many years, but can’t marry him due to societal or parental opposition. Or, as the groom or her parents expect her to be a virgin, she wants her hymen repaired.

They also want to know about STDs, or how safe and effective an emergency contraceptive pill is. Sometimes they feel pressured by men’s fascination with big breasts or themselves fancy bigger ones. I tell them that other attractive parts of the body, such as their hair, can be focused on.

What age group would these women be in?

It’s a mixed bag starting as early as 14 to 16 years, then the mid 30s and thereafter, the 40s.

How do their questions vary from each others’?

Formerly, the questions were from those reaching adulthood; now it’s 14-year-olds ask: “We had sex with clothes on. Is it safe?” or “How to have intercourse?”.

Most of them want someone to talk to. As they can’t ask their parents, they want permission from me — Is it okay to have oral sex? Group sex? Sex during menstruation? To masturbate? Watch porn? Is it normal? 

Parents should be more knowledgeable and open about discussing sex with their children. In the better-educated middle class, there is the internet to gain knowledge. But there’s a great need of such facilities among the less-educated in both urban and rural areas. These questions are common and are often asked by adults also. 

Among married couples, problems sometimes start right after wedlock, particularly in joint families. In some cases, a husband doesn’t want to have sex with his wife because he’s addicted to porn and prefers to masturbate.

That’s a very common complaint. Or sometimes, the wife is disappointed because the husband doesn’t get a proper erection.

Didn’t you deal with such issues earlier?

Just five years ago, men would approach me with these issues; today it’s the women who are asking. Around the age of 35-40, sometimes earlier, women find that their partners’ relationships, intimacy or sexual pleasures have changed. Particularly, a total loss of interest — instead of talking to their beloved, women want to find out how to help their partner.

Any other concerns you wish to highlight?

Educated youngsters are indulging in unprotected sex. This is a great concern, as are cases of sexual abuse, particularly in childhood. Sometimes women are at loss of how to satisfy their urges after widowhood, divorce or in cases where their husbands’ work generally keeps them away.

We also get queries regarding incest — say siblings in their 40s live together and have sexual desires, but no way to fulfil them except with each other. They feel guilty about it.