I don’t want to blaze a trail

It’s not that I’m shy, insecure or afraid of attention. I love attention. Whether it’s for my outfits, or for anything of merit, but I would die if the limelight fell on me because of my sexuality. It’s not something I’ve earned or done; or something I feel is worth getting attention for.

I don’t want to be the token gay girl in the group, nor do I want my uber-supportive pro-LGBTQ friends to force me on every other girl they see—which I know 100% they will. Tomorrow, if I have a girlfriend/partner and someone said to me, “Oh, you know you two should definitely have kids and adopt to be forward and progressive...” I would shoot myself. I can’t avoid this, but I don’t want that attention. It’s not like I know someone else who has been through this and I can follow in their steps.

I am on my own here, and I want time and space to take my life one baby step at a time.

Most people think that if you are not out of the closet, it’s because of fear of judgment. But in my case, I am glad and blessed to have lived a life of privilege. All my friends are very pro LGBT, my parents are not close-minded at all, and so is the rest of my family. Being from Goa, we are all very laid-back and relaxed. I have heard countless stories about people committing suicide because of their sexuality, or being victims of bullying but I never went through any of that. I can’t even remember the last time someone even bad mouth or disrespected a gay person around me.

So why am I not out of the closet yet?

It’s not for the fear of being judge or attacked. It’s the fear of being alone, being on a path not followed by everyone around you. How would my friends behave around me? Those super supporters would drag me to every gay bar they see; push me to get girlfriends every two minutes and constantly introduce me to any lesbian they meet. They will all have the same story — marry, have kids, etc.

But I feel weird. Can I marry a woman? That’s not normal. Can we have kids in India? Would we say we are best friends living together? Roommates? I don’t know.

I feel the lack of visible gay people and the lack of knowing just holds me back. I don’t want to blaze my own trail. I am happy and comfortable following someone else’s, and that’s about it.

Yes, I am banging on the doors of freedom, and on some days, while sitting with my friends or family, I feel my body is ready to blurt out the words “I AM GAY” but my strict mind holds my lips shut. As uncomfortable as it is now, at least I know. Coming out is like open waters to me — I wouldn’t know where to start or what would hit me... and even though I am in my swim suit ready to dive in, the fear of drowning holds me back.

Tell us how you came out of the closet at sexualitydna@gmail.com