Confessions of a straight man

“Excuse me. I hope you don’t mind me asking, but are you gay?” I was slightly taken aback by my colleague’s question. I was not completely surprised though. In my previous jobs, female colleagues admitted to wondering whether I was gay; some even assumed that I was until they discovered I was dating someone of the opposite sex. It was quite flummoxing. I just had to find out why anyone would make such an assumption about me. My colleagues opened up to me about the various “indicators”. The facts were quite revealing.

For starters, my interest in fashion was an instant red flag. It’s not common for the average Indian male to talk about fashion, let alone know more about it than some women. If your new top is downright ugly, I will call it as I see it. Also, admitting how many romantic comedies I had watched and being able to quote was a big no-no for a [hetero] guy. My love for Mean Girls also raised an eyebrow or two, while having ‘Dude Liz Lemon’ as my Twitter bio for some time may have only fanned the flames. What did leave me scratching my head was that I had always been like this — it was only after coming to India that these facets of my personality seem to affect people’s perception of me.

I left India as an 18-year old to study in Canada. After graduating, I worked there. I really enjoyed being a part of Canadian society — their friendly nature and liberal sensibilities appealed to me greatly, and I had no problem letting it shape me. Post mid-2000s, “metrosexual” had all but dropped out from common parlance. All men were expected to take care of themselves, even if they didn’t talk about it. This never really caught on in India, and I blame patriarchy.

Indian men are constantly under pressure to behave “manly.” The problem is that this notion is fuelled by a conservative mentality. While patriarchy is not unique to India, we have certainly mastered it as an art form. An Indian man is put on a pedestal the day he is born, and is treated as the superior gender for the rest of his life. 

As a result, me fretting over my hair is incomprehensible behaviour to some. My hairstylist reveals that most of her male clients have the same request: any hairstyle that does not require them to use styling products. If men using styling products for their hair is suspect, I can only imagine what people make of me browsing images of haircuts, planning my next hairdo.

The harm that patriarchy causes men is severe and more than we can comprehend, but I have never let it change me. Simply taking things in stride is something I have been good at and how people view me is of little concern. I continue to, much to the delight of my hairstylist, try new hairdos every couple of months. My YouTube watch history is not lacking for videos focused on male grooming, and I remain undeterred in my quest to comment on people’s fashion sensibilities (or lack thereof). What I am afraid of is that not every man out there will have the strength to cope, burying their true personalities under the rubble of societal pressure.