Shirishly Speaking: Shirish Kunder is the agony uncle you never saw coming

My wife eats all my favourite food!
Dear Shirish,

My wife and I fell in love because of our common tastes in food. But now, that has become a big problem. She eats all my favourite food. I remember a tweet of yours: “Never marry someone with similar food tastes. They will eat off all your favourite foods.” Unfortunately, by the time I started following you on Twitter, I was already married. What can I do now? Help!
—Salil

Dear Salil,
Tell your maid/laundry guy to wash your wife’s clothes in warm water. As a result, her clothes will shrink. Then convince your wife that she has put on weight and suggest she goes on a diet. This will make her eat less, and only healthy, which I’m sure is not your favourite food. Healthy food cannot be anyone’s favourite food. Then, you will have all your favourite foods for yourself. Let me know if it works. I’m also going through the same problem.

Such a cheapo, he is!
Dear Shirish,

I have been seeing this guy for almost a year now. It was our first Valentine’s Day. First, he took me out to a movie, then dinner, then to a nightclub for a dance, and then dropped me back home. After which, he wanted to come over to my place. All this time, I waited patiently and thought there would be a surprise. But his hands were still empty and I realised he had not bought a Valentine gift for me. Cheapo! I was so pissed I just walked away. He has been calling me non-stop since then, asking if he had made a mistake. Should I tell him that I’m pissed because he didn’t buy me a V-Day gift? Or just break up with him?
—Ro

Dear Ro,
You forgot to mention what did you do with the Valentine gift you had bought for the ‘cheapo’. Or was it only supposed to be one-way? If you break up with him, you will be doing him a favour, so don’t. If you want to make him pay for his mistake, just tell him openly that every romantic thing he did for you — the movie, the dinner, the dance — was all a complete waste of your time without a physical gift. That should teach the ‘cheapo’ a lesson.

Snores like scooter, SUV and truck. What’s next? 

Dear Shirish,
I was always very sceptical if I could live with one man my whole life in the same house. So, after six years of carefully observing every habit of my boyfriend and making sure I can tolerate him, I finally said yes to him last year. But after marriage, I was in for a shock. He snores! And how! There is no way I could have known this before. Though we had slept together, we never spent an entire night together. At first, his snores were like the sound of a scooter. Gradually, it turned into an SUV. And now, it’s turned into a truck! All in one year! I shudder to imagine what’s next. I really love him but can’t handle his truck drives anymore. What should I do?
—Mrs Insomniac

Dear Mrs Insomniac,
Your husband takes you out on long drives every night and you’re complaining! My wife complains that I don’t anymore. So next time he snores, close your eyes, imagine you’re on a long drive, hold his hand and enjoy the ride. Who knows, it may be a helicopter ride, next! If that doesn’t work, try sleeping in another room, imagine you live next to a highway, and trucks are just passing by. If that also doesn’t work, take your husband to an otolaryngologist (ENT). He is the right person to consult for this problem. If you come to me with medical problems, you will only get inane answers..