Celebrity column: Takiya kalaam! writes Ayushmann Khurrana

Pillow talk
my enemy my ally
Prisoners
We’re free, it’s a thriller

Zayn Malik went through a phenomenal metamorphosis from a cute teen sensation to a hot guy. And Pillow Talk is the new drug for his fans.

Pillows. We love pillows. They’re intimate. They’re cuddly. They’re soft. They, too, reveal a lot about you, just like your tongues (as I mentioned in my last column).

Doctors suggest not to use pillows for a firmer spine and neck muscles. Little kids should not use pillows for a longer neck. Or they (especially, infants) have those hollowed pillows for a rounder head shape.

Pillow talk is the idea for the perfect romance. It’s pure, platonic, pleasurable, private and sums up all the beautiful alliterations starting from P or other letters.

A sexist may say that love for pillows is a girl thing. But how can one ignore the brilliant words of Coco Chanel, “Women have always been the strong ones of the world. The men are always seeking from women a little pillow to put their heads on. They’re always longing for the mother who held them as infants.”

A Korean man named Lee Jin-gyu fell in love with a life-sized Japanese body pillow called a dakimakura. The pillow has the image of a cartoon character named Fate Testarossa on it, from an anime called Mahou Shoujo Lyrical Nanoha.

Pillows are malleable and ductile. They’re like convertibles. They’re like Optimus Prime. For example, pillows are extensively used for harmless and fun pillow fights and at the same time, pillows are the only rudimentary and practical alternative to sex dolls.

It is your in-room playmate. If you place it just right, it can be used to accentuate and elevate the missionary position. Which is obviously the most sought-after position in the world just after Sachin Tendulkar’s opening position in the ODIs till March 18, 2012.

It’s even better than doggie, which is more animalistic. But do you know the advantage of a doggie position? Both you and your partner can watch TV together (because it’s the only position where you can face the same direction). Sigh. Anyway let’s stick to the simple pillow talk and not digress.

So there are hard pillows, soft pillows, spondylitis-specific pillows and those vintage cotton filled almost-flat pillows. I like the last one. They solve my insomnia issues. Simple middle-class upbringings can set your pillow preferences to the most basic ones. The feathery ones, where you feel like an ostrich don’t work for me. They’re classist and elitist in a way. They take you away from the common man’s discomfort. As I said, they make you feel like an ostrich, disconnecting you from reality. Feathers mounts on either sides. Even a featherweight feels like a heavyweight head because it immerses you in the softness of feathers of the exotic birds. PETA members, beware of these pillows... nahin toh tumhara dharm bhrasht ho jaayega.

Aamir Khan Sir carries his pillow everywhere. I’ve seen him coming out of the airport with his pillow. If it was some other actor instead of him in the Indian film industry, he would’ve preferred putting his own pillow around his waist to play Mahavir Singh Phogat’s older version. But Aamir sir kept his pillow for its real organic usage.

He gained weight for Dangal. Ergo, he should rightly be addressed as Sir Aamir Khan. Just like Sir Richard Hadlee and Sir Benjamin Franklin. Sigh. I’m going to steal his pillow one day.

Even his hair and dandruff can make me gain one percent of his intelligence and would affect my career choices. In case I get caught, I’ll put my brother Aparshakti in the forefront. He’s been the chosen sufferer in Dangal as Omkar, and can do that for real too, that too for his real sibling. Aakhir ‘commonwealth’ ka maamla hai!

I’m taking the example of Govinda sir and Karishma ma’am again. Back-to-back, in my two columns. But they were front-to-front in that song. Do you remember sarkailyo khatiya jaadaa lage? Uff! That pillow in between the actors was bearing all the heat. The producers should auction that pillow and donate it to the patients of erectile dysfunction society.

Sigh! So I’m playing one of the victims of erectile dysfunction in my next film. Not to make fun of this issue. It’s a very ‘touchy’ topic. Even a touch can’t do anything.

A pillow touches your body, your soul. It’s your best friend. Induces sleep. Which is the most important part of 24 hours of every person’s life. If you don’t get good sleep, you can’t enjoy music, sex, prayer and life in general. You’ll be depressed sans sleep.

I once used my shoes as a pillow on Platform 1 of Mumbai Central railway station with my three aspiring actor acquaintances. Those shoes gave me sleep that night comfortably placed under my head and made me a marathon runner of sorts when I wore them on my feet, and made me come this far in this City of Dreams. I still have a very very long way to go, though. So, the moral of the story is to choose your pillow correctly. Jitna bhi door pahuncho, Bas aap logo ki ‘saraahna’ (pillow in Hindi) paate jao. I still believe that a good guy always wins and a tooth fairy sneaks into our rooms at nights to put special gifts under our pillows.