DNA Celebrity Column: Shirishly Speaking - Shirish Kunder turns agony uncle

I’m the lead singer of an upcoming rock band. We have composed some kick-ass songs that are sure to be chartbusters. And we are now ready to record our first single, but we do not have the money for it. Can you please suggest some place where we can record for free?
— Rock Star

Dear Rock Star,
Sure. You can record for free by calling any customer care centre. They record all calls for quality and training purposes.

How do I stay safe from robbers?
Of late, there has been a spate of robberies in our locality by a gang of masked robbers. We do not keep any valuables in our house, so I’m not worried about the theft. But, I’m worried about the safety of my family. What if they get pissed at not finding anything and hurt us? Can you suggest any precautionary measures?
— Mohammad

Dear Mohammad,
Make sure all of you wear a mask before going to sleep. That way, if the masked robbers break into your house, they’ll think you’re part of their gang, and not hurt you.

Can a man and a woman be just friends?
My husband has a very attractive colleague who accompanies him on all his outstation trips. I was suspicious of them, so I gave him a surprise visit on his recent tour, and was shocked to see that they were both sharing the same room. When I questioned him about it, he said there was nothing to worry about, as they were just friends and had to spend the night together as only one room was available. But I’m not convinced. Do you think it’s possible for a man and a woman to just be friends and spend the night together?
— Worried Wife

Dear Worried Wife,
Of course, it’s possible for a man and a woman to just be friends and spend the night together. But only when one of them is ugly. Or gay.

Not celebrating India’s loss
I’m an Indian Muslim. I had bought some crackers to celebrate the India-Pakistan match as I was sure India would win. But, unfortunately, that did not happen. Because the crackers would get spoilt in the moisture, I burst them anyway late in the night. Since then, some local politicians have been enquiring about me for celebrating Pakistan’s victory. I have been dodging them so far, but won’t be able to for long. I know they won’t believe my actual reason for bursting the crackers. How do I convince them? What else can I say?
— Indian Muslim

Dear Indian Muslim,
Tell them you were celebrating India’s victory over Pakistan in hockey.