Here I was flicking channels, juice ke saath news wallas, when I realised that on every single show Mr Gujarat was flexing his chest and biceps at the Wilting Willow Party’s campaign for Mr Cute Dimples. And then, suddenly, I came upon Arnab Goswami doing the dandiya with Miss Meenakshi Lekhi. They have great chemistry, these two. And they are entertaining. Mr Goswami is toh the Johnny Lever of TV journalism. He always makes me laugh — if not his trite finger-wagging, then his Virat Roop that the channel tries to present makes me chuckle, especially since the so-called “interview of the decade”. Even now, after so many days, Goswamiji’s mug flashes on the screen without provocation or warning, in the style of WWF wrestlers, and is followed by an equally urgent catch-line, “Complete News Domination”.
I expect the channel to soon go the extra mile and get Goswamiji into the wrestling ring, bare-chested and in a lycra tiranga. Goswamiji can keep his good-boy office shoes, socks and tie on. But he must circle the ring, thump his chest and shout “Complete News Domination” staring at the two people standing outside the ring — Rajdeep Sardesai and Barkha Dutt. One will be shouting back at him while smiling at the gathered audience, and the other will soon disappear into the audience, start hugging bemused people and say, with her hand on her heart, “It’s a Hindutva, gender thing. Don’t worry. See, I’m not worried.”
Jab se yeh interview ka silsila shuru hua hai na, tab se all the channels are trying to outdo the other. Last week one small news channel was threatening to telecast “interview of the century”. O-teri, I thought, Mr Gujarat ka parda faash! Challenging questions will be posed, footage of 2002 will be played and Mr Gujarat will be asked, “Jawab do”.
So shaam ko main and meri friends baith gaye, with wine, cigar and our full attention, and waited for it to come on even as Mr Gujarat was sitting in a small, dull office and droning on and on about this and that, sometimes whispering, sometimes murmuring. After about 20 minutes of this bizarreness we realised this was it, this was the “interview of the century” which we had put on mute. And so we quickly tried to listen, but in five minutes all of us shouted, in unison, “Does he know that the camera is on?”
It was the most lackadaisical performance. Mr Gujarat seemed like he was being filmed by some Gujarati Mani Kaul without his knowledge.
Except that it was Gujarat ki Mata, Madhu Kishwar, who was pretending to ask questions even as Mr Gujarat talked about this and that, looked here, there and generally stopped to smell the daisies he has sown in Gujarat.
The fact is that aaj kal news channels do not reflect mere andar ka toofan at how the idea of India is being killed at the ballot box. So I flicked channels and came upon Mahabharat. Entertainment guys seemed to know what I was feeling, not news wallas.
Last week was Draupadi’s cheer-haran, which very comprehensively, poignantly projected meri and mere jaison ki emotional halat.
Draupadi, like my India, has been dragged into a sabha full of criminal while her own good people stand quiet, shame-faced. Draupadi, like my India, is screaming, weeping, even as Dushsasan walks towards her. Duryodhan is excited. Karan and Mama Shakuni are goading him.
Pitamaha and Yudhisthir do nothing. Arjun has gone off on a tangent. Kay main aur meri India ankhein band kar ke Krishna ki wait karenge?
For many Kejriwal was Krishna, his jharoo the new age Sudarshan Chakra. But now Delhi people are running after him with their own jharoos.
So who will save us? No one, I realised watching Draupadi being saved by Krishna. And then I paused and decided to stay in the moment because in this country’s history this is a significant moment. For the first time, I, a Hindu, am feeling like a minority in my own country — pushed to the side, abused and invisibilised. No Krishna will come to save me or my India. Mujhe hi apni India ke liye Krishna ban-na hoga.
Aur aap ko bhi.
