Not a child’s play

Shiloh Jolie-Pitt with brothers Pax (left) and Maddox (right) along with dad, Brad Pitt at the premiere of Angelina Jolie's movie, Unbroken in 2014. (Photo: AP)

Even as Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are in the middle of a messy divorce, it’s their kids who seem to be bearing the brunt of the split, particularly Shiloh Jolie-Pitt. Shiloh, who is said to be close to her father Brad, is upset with the temporary custody settlement, awarded to Angie, after the divorce. Life coaches and relationship experts say that while going through a divorce maybe be a traumatic experience for a couple already, extra care must be taken to ensure that the kids don’t bear the brunt of the split.

Parenting expert and strategist Freyaz Shroff observes, “A child may find it difficult to take in the news of a divorce. A child too has pictured a happy ending in his head — one where he or she continues to be a happy family and stay together. If not handled well. the news of a divorce could stunt his or her emotional growth and negatively change his or her perception of relationships.”

Taking responsibility about the split, and having the talk together is a good opportunity to convince the children that the kids come first. Life coach Chetna Mehrotra says that this is also a chance to get the kids on the same page. “The best way is to break the news is to own up to it. Parents should keep a united front while explaining it to the kids and should be ready to answer their questions. However, do not indulge in any blame game about the separation. It is important for kids to understand that it is fine for two people to not share the same frequency, and that’s alright.”

This exercise may bring up a mixed bag of reactions. Children may feel partly responsible, angry, confused or even relived about the split.

Psychotherapist Dr. Kashish A. Chhabria says that being patient, and looking at things from the child’s point of view may help immensely. “You need to give kids the time to understand what it really means. It is quite possible that, a year after the split, they may ask you questions about the divorce. Encourage questions and comfort them about the future. Shutting off these questions won’t do.” She adds that constant reassuring is required to ensure that the child is loved, and isn’t the reason for the split.

When a split is imminent, Chetna says that respecting the child’s relationship with the other parent will help the child ease his way into the development. Spending extra time with children in and out of home, express your feelings and emotions towards them are a few ways one can make the child feel comfortable. She says, “You have got to give the child a free reign to see the parent they aren’t going to live with, often. Otherwise, they would develop coldness towards the relationship. Encourage them to see their other parent every now and then.” Kashish concludes, “Look at things from their point of view, to make things easier for them.”