Sammy Squirrel Obituary

 Sammy Squirrel died today.  While the coroner's report might indicate the cause of death as blunt force caused by sudden impact with an SUV as Sammy crossed the road, those of us that know Sammy know the real cause.  Death by Facebook.

Sammy in his prime was a bright red coated squirrel with a big bushy tail that was the envy of all the other squirrels in his patch of the woods.  Sammy could climb a tree quicker than anyone and leap from one narrow branch to another with ease.  Yes, Sammy was leading the good life with a nice nest in an oak tree.  He was stashing away his nuts and planning for a great retirement in the hickory tree down the street.  As long as he stayed away from the local coyotes and hawks his life was pretty peaceful!  Sammy could even tease the area cats through the screen doors because he knew they couldn't get out!

But Sammy's downfall started when he tapped into the local cable line and installed high speed internet in his leafy nest.  Before long Sammy was hooked, surfing the web and reading about all that human stuff.  He'd always wondered about those little stickers on the cars and had noticed them change lately so he knew something important must be happening.  Yes, something big was happening in 2016!  What is this Election 2016??

So Sammy opened up a Facebook account and friended a bunch of people because on the Internet no one knows you're a squirrel.  At first he didn't really understand the concept of liberal or conservative, but in time he grew to understand that those two labels seemed to be the only thing humans cared about.  Before long Sammy was deep into Facebook debates, click clacking away on his tiny keyboard.  He learned that even more dangerous than coyotes and hawks were these beings called Internet trolls. Apparently they possess people that were previously normal and turn them into raging maniacs with a win at all costs agenda. 

Sammy steadily had his life consumed as these humans battled.  Name calling was everywhere.  Words Sammy had to use Urban Dictionary to translate.  He watched friends and families fight and split, pledging to never speak again.

Sammy hoped that maybe after the campaign was over that things would get better, but no, they seemed to only get worse. 

Sammy hadn't slept well in months and he'd stopped gathering nuts.  Sammy was losing weight and losing fur.  Sammy was a shell of his former self.

So poor Sammy was living in a fog and Sammy didn't look before crossing the street.  Sammy's demise was quick and he never knew what hit him.  Poor Sammy, if only he hadn't become addicted to Facebook politics, he'd still be alive today.  

RIP Sammy.