Fan the flames of your bromance
Though they’re typically viewed as emotionally non-supportive arrangements, male friendships serve an important purpose. Here’s how you can build that bond.
US President Barack Obama knew he’d be ribbed about his eight-year-old ‘bromance’ with Joe Biden when he awarded him the Medal of Freedom a few days ago. Social pressure may make it more difficult for men, who, several studies have shown, already have a hard time making friends, at least in comparison to women. Yet, men actually do need male friends, particularly in light of clinical psychologist H’vovi Bhagwagar’s observation that, “Men don’t share much with their female partners, as women tend to nag or to overexaggerate problems.”
“A male friend might tell a guy, let’s go for a drink, and they’d go to a bar and talk about the problem — that’s it; problem solved! Men don’t really get into the details of issues,” Bhagwagar says. “Men feel better when they can solve a problem; women feel better when someone acknowledges their feelings,” says Bhagwagar, explaining why sometimes a guy needs to talk to another guy about whatever is bothering him. Male friendships are complex arrangements though, with a distinct set of rules – Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother), it seems, was on to something. There actually is a Bro Code. We break it down:
“Men bond a lot over adventure sports, even games like monopoly and poker,” says Bhagwagar. Though these exchanges may seem like indirection, for a guy, a sincere discussion about golf or cars or even beer can be as intimate as a heart-to-heart about family squabbles may be to women. Bhagwagar says, “Primarily, men talk about their work problems or they may discuss politics and sports. Men tend to be leftbrained. They absorb data from the surroundings as is (women, on the other hand, would make sense of the data and interpret it on an emotional level).”
Don’t get soppy
Men do not express how much they value friendships. “Women may tell each other things like that, but a man will not. Even when it comes to calling a friend up to wish him for his birthday, this could easily slip a guy’s mind — men just don’t give these issues much importance.” On the up-side, this means that men are also less likely to nitpick. “When a man meets someone after, say, two years, he won’t even think it’s necessary to catch up; he’ll just get right to the topic, as if no time has passed.” A man is also very unlikely to hold a grudge against another man, “about things like ‘he didn’t congratulate me on my wedding anniversary’ — that’s just because of the way their brains are wired,” says Bhagwagar.
Pick a neutral zone
When it comes to hanging out, most men will pick a pub over their living room. Bhagwagar explains, “Many men feel that they’re constantly putting on a face for the world — they’re trying to be more sociable than they really are at gettogethers, or they’re trying to put on a nicer front for the world. Men feel like they’re being judged constantly, and so, when they want to unwind with their friends, what they’re looking for is a neutral zone where they can just be themselves, without having to worry about the language they use or the subjects they discuss. They’d be more conscious in front of family.”
Keep the ladies out
Bhagwagar points out that both, men and women, tend to discuss very different subjects when out in same-sex groups. “Women may discuss their sex lives, for instance, which a man wouldn’t do, so a man may feel lost at a gathering of just women. Men do discuss sex, but they’d discuss porn or attractive actresses; they don’t usually discuss their own sex life.”
This, says Bhagwagar, is why men don’t want their wives to tag along for those boys’ nights out, and their buddies don’t want a woman tagging along either. “I have seen cases, where the man is forced to take his wife to such gatherings and it’s a mess: the wife will criticise her husband for the way his friends talk, and his friends don’t want the woman tagging along, so they’ll eventually stop inviting him for these things. It’s a no-win situation for the man. A boys’ club is a boys’ club,” says Bhagwagar. “It’s a place where your buddies can shed their inhibitions, and be themselves. Therefore, its privacy must be sacrosanct.”
US President Barack Obama knew he’d be ribbed about his eight-year-old ‘bromance’ with Joe Biden when he awarded him the Medal of Freedom a few days ago. Social pressure may make it more difficult for men, who, several studies have shown, already have a hard time making friends, at least in comparison to women. Yet, men actually do need male friends, particularly in light of clinical psychologist H’vovi Bhagwagar’s observation that, “Men don’t share much with their female partners, as women tend to nag or to overexaggerate problems.”
“A male friend might tell a guy, let’s go for a drink, and they’d go to a bar and talk about the problem — that’s it; problem solved! Men don’t really get into the details of issues,” Bhagwagar says. “Men feel better when they can solve a problem; women feel better when someone acknowledges their feelings,” says Bhagwagar, explaining why sometimes a guy needs to talk to another guy about whatever is bothering him. Male friendships are complex arrangements though, with a distinct set of rules – Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother), it seems, was on to something. There actually is a Bro Code. We break it down:
Talk about sports
“Men bond a lot over adventure sports, even games like monopoly and poker,” says Bhagwagar. Though these exchanges may seem like indirection, for a guy, a sincere discussion about golf or cars or even beer can be as intimate as a heart-to-heart about family squabbles may be to women. Bhagwagar says, “Primarily, men talk about their work problems or they may discuss politics and sports. Men tend to be leftbrained. They absorb data from the surroundings as is (women, on the other hand, would make sense of the data and interpret it on an emotional level).”
Don’t get soppy
Men do not express how much they value friendships. “Women may tell each other things like that, but a man will not. Even when it comes to calling a friend up to wish him for his birthday, this could easily slip a guy’s mind — men just don’t give these issues much importance.” On the up-side, this means that men are also less likely to nitpick. “When a man meets someone after, say, two years, he won’t even think it’s necessary to catch up; he’ll just get right to the topic, as if no time has passed.” A man is also very unlikely to hold a grudge against another man, “about things like ‘he didn’t congratulate me on my wedding anniversary’ — that’s just because of the way their brains are wired,” says Bhagwagar.
Pick a neutral zone
When it comes to hanging out, most men will pick a pub over their living room. Bhagwagar explains, “Many men feel that they’re constantly putting on a face for the world — they’re trying to be more sociable than they really are at gettogethers, or they’re trying to put on a nicer front for the world. Men feel like they’re being judged constantly, and so, when they want to unwind with their friends, what they’re looking for is a neutral zone where they can just be themselves, without having to worry about the language they use or the subjects they discuss. They’d be more conscious in front of family.”
Keep the ladies out
Bhagwagar points out that both, men and women, tend to discuss very different subjects when out in same-sex groups. “Women may discuss their sex lives, for instance, which a man wouldn’t do, so a man may feel lost at a gathering of just women. Men do discuss sex, but they’d discuss porn or attractive actresses; they don’t usually discuss their own sex life.”
This, says Bhagwagar, is why men don’t want their wives to tag along for those boys’ nights out, and their buddies don’t want a woman tagging along either. “I have seen cases, where the man is forced to take his wife to such gatherings and it’s a mess: the wife will criticise her husband for the way his friends talk, and his friends don’t want the woman tagging along, so they’ll eventually stop inviting him for these things. It’s a no-win situation for the man. A boys’ club is a boys’ club,” says Bhagwagar. “It’s a place where your buddies can shed their inhibitions, and be themselves. Therefore, its privacy must be sacrosanct.”
