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It’s that time again, a few days after ringing in the new year, when people everywhere are ready to finally tackle their resolutions. For those partial to quick fixes, Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop has you covered with its annual detox guide, with a full menu, a “working girl detox,” and even a “Ready-to-Eat” three day detox of clean meals delivered straight to your door. But while the Annual goop Detox may help shed a few pounds if followed to a T, no “detox” will occur outside of the normal work of your liver, kidneys, lungs, skin and other biological functions. As experts have noted ad nauseam, there is no powerful herb or potion that will “detoxify” your body better than what it’s already equipped with because your body isn’t “toxified” to begin with, and if it is, you need urgent medical attention.
I won’t explain why detox doesn’t cleanse anything but funds from your bank account, because it’s been done really well by a lot of experts. A 2014 review of the scant evidence on detox programs from the Journal of Human Nutrition and Dietetics notes that “[t]he seductive power of detox diets presumably lies in their promise of purification and redemption, which are ideals that are deep-rooted in human psychology.” The promise is seductive but empty.
There is no question that while you may lose weight with a trendy detox or cleanse, this is because of reduced caloric intake or laxative effects. “Regardless of the weight loss, the body will move back to its pre-detox weight over time if diet and activity levels remain the same,” explains Scott Gavura at Science Based Medicine.
But that doesn’t stop Goop from claiming that its hand-picked detox programs will help you flush toxins, shed pounds, and look and feel better this year. Perhaps the most eyebrow-raising part of their annual detox guide is on its “advanced detoxes” list, titled, “You Probably Have a Parasite—Here’s What to Do About It.” In the Q&A, Linda Lancaster, a Santa Fe-based naturopathic physician, explains that parasites cause myriad symptoms, like teeth grinding, diarrhea, nose picking, achy joints, bad breath, fatigue, exhaustion, and brain fog. These parasites range from intestinal worms to amoebas, and tiny snails to candida. According to Lancaster, a mixture of goat milk, preferably raw, and a "specific vermifuge made of anti-parasitic herbs" should do the trick.
According to the Q&A, testing for parasites should be performed by a naturopathic physician. This is convenient, considering that no legitimate medical professional would diagnose a parasitic disease and then treat it with a Goop-recommended detox. Note that naturopathic physicians aren’t actually doctors as you and I think of them--they receive an inadequate fraction of the training that medical doctors do, and they don’t go to medical school. Naturopathic medicine has been dubbed “essentially witchcraft,” with practices that have no basis in science or reality. Goop’s recommended goat milk detox is no exception. Those whose bodies have a “low vibrational field” are more susceptible to these common parasites, Lancaster says in the Q&A, explaining:
“My treatment is based on knowledge of the Essenes, a community that lived outside of Jerusalem during biblical times. In those days, when a healer learned of a worm infestation, they would put the patient in a tub of milk until the worms would come out to drink—parasites love milk! In fact, many people who think they’re allergic to milk actually have a parasite in their system.”
Parasites love milk? Who knew? Certainly not any legitimate scientific literature, which is devoid of mention of parasites’ fondness for milk, nor of any mechanism by which herbs targeted to specific parasites, once drawn out by the preferably unpasteurized goat milk “bait,” will “eradicate” the creatures. If a treatment is based on vague knowledge of healers from biblical times, you’re probably better off avoiding it.
“That the concept of detoxification is so nebulous might be why it has evaded public suspicion,” wrote Dara Mohammadi in The Guardian. This is true of so many concepts in the detox world. There are “toxins” that our bodies need to “cleanse,” but those words have varied meanings in varied contexts. These goat milk-loving parasites are no less nebulous. They can come in any form through varied ports of entry, and cause nearly any ailment. Like magic, herbs and goat milk will eradicate them. And like magic, Goop’s annual catalog of aspirational goodies will detox you from plastic in your pores, sugar, and all other things vaguely not “clean.” But magic, by definition, is too good to be true.
