We don’t normally look for a deep and personal connection with total strangers, but for the attendees at The Human Connection’s monthly eye-gazing events, that’s exactly what we’re here for. Usually steel-reinforced personal space bubbles have been punctured, and in a corner of the Fitzroy Gardens in Melbourne, people have gathered hoping to take a look through the windows of another’s soul.
A group of assorted people – many in hippie and festival gear, but plenty in unremarkable Saturday wear – are sitting cross-legged on the grass. The drill is simple: find someone sitting alone, sit opposite them, gaze silently into each other’s eyes for as long as you feel like it, then chat.
Over the course of three hours, I gaze into the eyes of 11 strangers. Some are meditative and peaceful. Some are nervous. Some can’t stop giggling or pulling faces. Some engage in the activity as if it is a staring contest. Some list gently to one side.
For me, it’s mostly quite calming; less challenging and less intense than expected. Several of my gazes are ended by a blowfly flying up my nose, and one by a ringtail possum crashing down out of a palm tree. Melbourne organiser Cindy Melksham tells me that in an indoor environment, the experience is more intense – less chatting, fewer distractions. In the park, though, the conversation flows freely, and the post-gaze chats are probably the best bit. It’s easy to talk to someone you’ve just stared at for three minutes straight. The awkwardness has burned off already.
Most of the participants are new to eye gazing, but everyone here is looking for different versions of the same thing: human connection. A few are taking part in an effort to come out of a shell. Some are looking for meaningful interaction. One participant tells me, mournfully, “I didn’t really feel much.” He’s here to get in touch with his feelings, and the fact that he isn’t having any is a disappointment. Some are keen to do a little post-gaze personality cold reading, though few get it right.
There’s a lot of mention of the superficial nature of modern digital life and social media, though ironically, everyone present heard about the event through Facebook. One participant, Dave Kirk, admits he’s more of an introvert.
“I love connecting with people, but I recharge in isolation – I’m much more comfortable in isolation. I like venturing out to connect, then returning to being a hermit,” he tells me. “The experience of connection with someone with eye contact for just a minute – conversation just flows so easily following that, it’s quite amazing.”
The Human Connection’s founder, Igor Kreyman, tells me the movement has snowballed since it began last year. “We started off with Sydney, and we had 150 people come to the first event in April, and then in May we had 300 people, so we decided to try Melbourne, then Adelaide, Brisbane, Canberra, Wollongong and Sunshine Coast are in the process – and we have events in LA and Mumbai then New Zealand. We’re growing quite rapidly.
“One of the most memorable experiences was when an Asian lady in her 40s or 50s came through. She didn’t know about the event, had her grocery shopping bags with her. She asked what was happening, and we said, ‘It’s a form of meditation, would you like to try it?’ She sat down and kept asking, ‘What do we do now?’
“She had very specific ideas and settled values, but watching her let go and go deeper into the experience was amazing. Afterwards, she told me, ‘You’re like an airport – you hold a lot of space for all the planes.’”
In Hindu practice, Darshan – literally, “seeing” – includes gazing into the eyes of a holy person, and being seen in return. Eye gazing is a meditative practice in Buddhism, Sufism and Tantra. The original “look into my eyes” hypnotist, Franz Mesmer, treated patients with intense eye contact. Psychoanalytic philosophers such as Lacan and Žižek explored the idea of “gaze” – the paradox being that the only thing you can never see properly is yourself.
Many animals, including bears, chimps, dogs and cats, regard eye contact as an act of dominance. Many cultures regard it the same way, and avoid it when interacting with a superior. While westerners generally regard it as a sign of respect, trust, truthfulness and strength, it’s still confronting, and holding a gaze is usually the province of romantic relationships. In fact, in 1989, researcher Joan Kellerman and her team linked eye gazing to increased romantic and interpersonal attraction. Kreyman tells me that at least one couple has now met and married through their eye-gazing events.
Performance artist Marina Abramović turned the eye gaze into art with her work The Artist Is Present, looking into the eyes of thousands of MoMA punters over three months – a work which went viral to the tune of 40 million views, after her former lover Ulay dropped in, apparently unannounced. The footage of the two weeping (along with, in one version, a false backstory that they hadn’t seen each other for 30 years) was pure emotional cocaine, somewhat undercut by the fact that the two have since sued each other. But it was no matter: Amnesty International put the concept to work, pairing Europeans and refugees in their own affecting video.
It’s Abramović we mostly have to thank for this pleasant day of meeting strangers under the linden trees in Fitzroy Gardens. Kreyman first experienced eye gazing as a meditation and theatresports activity, but honed his technique as a facilitator at Kaldor Project 30’s Marina Abramović: in Residence in Sydney in 2015.
Whatever the origins of the movement, and whatever your personal experience of the process, it’s clear that eye gazing is an undeniable shortcut to human connection – something most of us could always use a little more of.
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