‘YOU KNOW THE NEARER YOUR DESTINATION’
“No comment.” Two simple words, beloved of press conference-holders across the Anglophone world. Two words that stand as a gentle, polite, only mildly aggravating two fingers at the questioner and his like. And it’s not as if Jürgen Klopp doesn’t know them: he used them deftly back in August when asked about the possibility that he might bring Borussia Dortmund whelp Christian Pulisic to Anfield. “I have no comment on this,” he sagely demurred. “Absolutely nothing to speak about this and all the other [rumours] too.” As knockbacks go, textbook stuff. So compare and contrast with his reaction to being asked if $tevie Mbe was heading back to Anfield after finally knocking his playing career on the head. “This is not the room I want to speak about this,” he blathered. “When there is something to announce we will announce it and then we talk. That one day in the future there will be something to announce I’m pretty sure too. Up till then, nothing to say.”
Well, it’s not exactly nothing, is it Jürgen? I mean, you just all but appointed him chairman. But still, the assembled hacks were not sated. Like one of Klopp’s teams on a good day, they continued to press, insatiably hassling and bothering their target until they finally wore him down. Under a prolonged barrage of $tevie-focused questioning, Klopp’s cool cracked. “Stop using me for stories about [$tevie Mbe]” he sobbed. “You don’t need me. If you want to write a story about him write it because he deserved it.” OK then!
Just hours earlier $tevie himself had announced the end of his playing career. “I’ve listened to people over the years,” he confessed. “Important people in the game who I trust have said to me: ‘Always go with a tiny bit left. Never overstay your welcome and play on too long where it becomes embarrassing.’” Showing the infallible sense of timing with which he could once be relied upon to rifle in 40-yard Cup final thunderbolts, thump home last-gasp European campaign-salvaging thunderbolts or randomly fall over in key games for no obvious reason, he clearly had sensed that this day, the day when it becomes embarrassing, was finally close. And then he waited another couple of years and retired.
“My last three, four months I didn’t feel as sharp as I used to,” he said. “The games were becoming more challenging, the travel was affecting me. I’ve had a few moments in the last six months where I’ve thought: ‘I didn’t play well today.’” Don’t worry $tevie, we’ve all had those moments. His official statement, like Klopp’s improvised one, stopped just short of revealing what he would do next. “I am excited about the future and feel I still have a lot to offer the game, in whatever capacity that may be,” he concluded. “I am currently taking my time to consider a number of options.” Hell, The Fiver’s seen him do that before. Expect a 50-yard backpass straight to the feet of Thierry Henry any moment.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
Join Paul Doyle from 8.05pm GMT for hot Big Vase MBM coverage of Manchester United 2-1 Feyenoord.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“If you are planning a stag weekend and think the Clapton Ultras can provide you with a little ‘east London colour’, ask yourself this: how much fun can you really have surrounded by people who will inevitably look on you with nothing but absolute contempt? Is an almost sociopathic lack of empathy towards people who attend Clapton games week on week genuine, or would it make you feel more than just a little ashamed?” – the club’s response to musician Frank Turner turning up for a recent game while on a stag do.
FIVER LETTERS
“While Messi’s undeniable overgrowth (yesterday’s Fiver) might be the most interesting and controversial piece of Argentinian shrubbery to amass since the Falkland Islands, I’d like to posit for consideration the talismanic properties such wooly statements vest on their hosts. Sure, Leo may have missed a critical penalty or two in the months since ‘the bushening’ commenced, but ever since he’s hopped on the hirsute haywagon, not a single allegation of tax evasion or fraud has been raised against him” – Cary Hooper.
“Regarding Fifa’s stance on displaying poppies at football matches (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs), I’d like to draw on the extensive wisdom of The Fiver and ask how you think Fifa would manage the hypothetical situation (with a willing suspension of disbelief) if ever Wessex League’s Bournemouth Poppies played in a World Club Cup scheduled for early/mid-November at some future date?” – James Nott.
“Being a reader from the great state of Texas, I couldn’t help but notice how similar England’s national team is to the Dallas Cowboys. Both think they own the sport, both are very arrogant and unaware of when the game changes around them, both are run by people that don’t know anything about the sport, and both enjoy periods of success that make their fans sure they will win a championship just to choke when it counts” – Tyson Cluff.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is James Nott, who receives a copy of Football Manager 2017 from those good people at Football Manager Towers, and it’s out now! We’ve got a one final copy left to give away, so if you want one, get busy writing.
SUPPORT THE GUARDIAN
Producing the Guardian’s thoughtful, in-depth journalism – the stuff not normally found in this email, obviously – is expensive, but supporting us isn’t. If you value our journalism, please support us by making a one-off or recurring contribution.
BITS AND BOBS
David White, the one-time England international, is among the former footballers whose “life was torn apart” by Barry Bennell and is now willing to go public about his ordeal at the hands of a serial paedophile who worked in junior and professional football more than three decades. Meanwhile, Crewe Alexandra’s director of football and former manager Dario Gradi has issued a statement to express sympathy for Bennell’s victims. “The first I knew of Barry Bennell’s crimes was when he was arrested in the United States in 1994. I knew nothing of his crimes before this time when he was employed by us,” said Gradi. “No one at the football club knew of Bennell’s crimes until his arrest in 1994 and his subsequent prosecution in the United Kingdom.”
Paul Futcher, the former Luton, Barnsley, Grimsby and Manchester City defender, has died at the age of 60.
The Gareth Southgate England era is coming. Control yourself.
Gareth Bale faces up to three months out with the ankle-knack he sustained with Real Madrid at Sporting Lisbon.
His Queen’s Celtic side may be out of Europe, but everything’s coming up Brendan. “The team deserve great credit,” he cheered after a 2-0 defeat at home to Barcelona. “We weren’t fearful. As a coach you look for improvement. I think this team has made significant improvement. This experience was always going to be invaluable for us.”
Fresh off a 2-2 draw with PSG that will likely guarantee a testing tie in Big Cup’s Round of Arsenal, Arsène Wenger has got his shrug on. “Will it be good or bad for us?” he mused. “I think we have to wait for the draw because, if you look at all of the groups, you cannot really guess if it is good or bad.” Bad, it’ll be bad.
Manchester City did enough to get over the line and join the Gunners with a 1-1 draw in Mönchengladbach. “These players are so new in Europe and every time we play a game like this we improve,” parped Pep Guardiola.
Karl Robinson will likely be the name on Charlton’s seemingly stock sacking statement when it next sees the light of day.
Andy Edwards will likely be the name on Leyton Orient’s seemingly stock sacking statement when it next sees the light of day.
And Bundesliga leaders RB Leipzig are happy to be getting all up in their rivals’ grilles. “We have stirred up a hornets’ nest with our sporting achievements and it is normal,” fizzed coach Ralph Hasenhuettl. “The fact that we play good and successful football at the moment of course helps us to become more self-confident on the pitch.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Simon Burnton dives into his time machine to recall the 1979 West Brom testimonial when black players took on a team of white players.
How Crewe Alexandra’s football talent factory has been thrown into turmoil. By Owen Gibson.
The Damilola Taylor Centre in Peckham has been central to everything in Mustapha Carayol’s life, says the Nottingham Forest winger in this interview with Ed Aarons.
Some teenagers play Football Manager. Some – like Edin Djonlic – take their coaching badges.
Peterborough’s Michael Bostwick mistakes a steward for a left-back. Plus James Milner. Say no more about this week’s Classic YouTube collection.
Manchester United dare not lose to Feyenoord as the spectre of 2005 looms, warns Barry Glendenning.
According to today’s Rumour Mill, Thiago Silva has practically sewn up a deal to sign for Juventus. That and more unfounded tittle-tattle here.
Arsenal’s Mesut Özil is an easy target but he was ruddy useful against PSG, so-says Barney Ronay.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. AND INSTACHAT, TOO!