This was published 7 years ago
The missing link in the making of good men?
By Sarah Berry
Twenty five years ago, Dr Arne Rubenstein was working as a GP and an emergency room doctor when he began to notice a pattern emerging in young patients.
Bubbly, energetic pre-adolescent boys were turning into withdrawn, angry teens who were ending up in the emergency room.
Dr Arne Rubenstein says rite of passage ceremonies can play an important part in preparing us for the next stage of life.Credit: iStock
"I was seeing lots of teenagers really struggling," says Rubenstein, the author of best-selling book Making of Men, who has been nominated for Australian of the Year. "I was seeing, in my practise and also in emergency, a lot of risk-taking behaviour... [behaviours] that were going to affect them for the rest of their lives."
Rubenstein wondered what was going on and what could be done to work with children before they were struggling and self-destructing.
He began exploring how different cultures dealt with the transition between child/adolescent/adult and realised that we were missing a key element.
We use rite of passage ceremonies to facilitate and celebrate our various transitions through life – from child to adolescent, adolescent to adult, single to married, childless to with child, life to death.
It's easy to see them either as an excuse to dress-up and get drunk or an excuse for some fairly brutal practices.
There's the initiation for youngsters of the Amazonian Satere-Mawe tribe, for instance. For 10 minutes adolescent boys wear a glove of woven bullet ants (named because of their intensely painful sting which lasts 24 hours), which have their stingers pointed inwards. The endurance of suffering is a display of his readiness for manhood.
In Vanuatu, the coming-of-age involves young boys jumping from a 30-metre tall tower with a stretchless vine tied to their ankles.
Of course there is the rite of passage for Massai girls as they transition into womanhood and, along with blessings by tribal elders and celebrations where they sing traditional songs and wear finery, they have their labia and clitoris cut away.
Rite of passage ceremonies can be shocking, but they can also play an incredibly powerful part in preparing us for the next stage of our lives, recognising the change as an individual as well as our new place in society.
"It is acknowledging that a person is moving to a new stage in life," explains Rubenstein, who admits he felt "quite lost" growing up which, in part, has motivated his work.
"Look at what happens if a boy does not have a rite of passage ceremony and stays a boy – he sees himself as the centre of the universe, wants power, doesn't take responsibility for his actions and wants a mother.
"Imagine if the world were ruled by boys."
I assume he's referring to Donald Trump, and, he says that the world being ruled by boys, not men (or women), is in part because people are stuck and it takes the nurturing of community for us to grow into healthy individuals .
"The whole community is developing and evolving. The community needs to support the shifts and stages of life and people going through that need to be recognised by the community."
Rubenstein, who has developed rite of passage programs for children and adults, adds that if we don't provide a rite of passage, children create their own through bullying, hazing, fighting one another and "testing their mortality".
It's not just the 721 million adolescents in the world who are struggling without the support or acknowledgement of their community to enter a new phase.
"People grow older and... feel isolated and rejected or pretend they're still young," he says.
"What I see that amazes me is how many people are lost and how few people are doing what they want...
"So many people are struggling in silence and compensate with unhealthy habits – drugs, alcohol, technology, unhealthy relationships, food."
While we are not, Rubenstein says, "a tribe living in the bush", we are individuals and a community made up of individuals and "we need both to evolve".
"The stages [of life] should be celebrated, they're not shameful."
WHAT DOES A RITE OF PASSAGE CEREMONY INVOLVE
– Going somewhere to separate us from our normal community and everyday life
– The "transformation part", which involves the sharing of stories and "some sort of challenge or ordeal". The "challenge" is not about suffering but, Rubenstein explains, might involve looking at what aspects of your life need to be challenged and creating a vision for the future by "recognising individual talents".
– The third stage involves returning to the community and entering a new phase of being by living differently
THE NEW YEAR IS RIGHT TIME FOR A RITE OF PASSAGE
At this year's Lost Paradise music festival, Rubenstein will be running rite of passage workshops. It might seem like an unusual place for such a workshop but Rubenstein says it's just right for a rite of passage. It's a time for celebration but can also be a time for reflection.
"After the year and about to start a new year... It's a fantastic opportunity of looking at 'what do I want to bring into the new year?'. It's the opportunity to celebrate and create a vision for the future.
"It may be addressing their own health and wellbeing, a job they're in that's not right, stepping up in relationships and taking the time out – which we rarely get – to look at where we want to be in our lives."
He adds: "It's asking the question, 'How can I have the best year possible in all ways? What do I need to change to do that?'.
"What I see so many people doing is, it's like they're on a train and they keep going... but, if people genuinely make change, it's a rite of passage and a transformational process."