Hey dad, don't leave 'the talk' to mom

When 18 year-old Shivani Shukla's mother passed away at the onset of her teenage years, it took a while for her and father Kamlesh Shukla to open up to each other. "I could see that he was having a hard time coping, so I helped him some, and he helped me right back. We became good friends," recalls Shivani, now a first year student at Ruia College. The opening up eventually led to a father-daughter dynamic that has weathered everything from teenage whims of bunking college to candid conversations about puberty, menstrual hygiene and talks about the opposite gender.

Not all fathers achieve this degree of transparency with their adolescent daughters. In fact, not all fathers are even willing to try. Clinical psychologist H'vovi Bhagwagar vouches that 80 per cent of fathers who attend her parenting workshops and counselling sessions are hesitant to broach subjects essential to adolescent parenting, especially in the case of a girl child. She says that a majority of them leave 'the talk' to the mothers.

And what about families where the mother is absent? Professor Devi Prasad of the Centre for Equity for Women, Children and Families at Mumbai's Tata Institute of Social Science (TISS), observes that many single fathers relegate the responsibility to an elder female in the family or to a close family-friend who's a woman. "Truth is, there is no harm in fathers who are a part of a couple to be actively involved during their daughter's transitional phase," he says. For his own part, things have been relatively easy. Father to two young women, professor Prasad reckons, his free ways with his daughters have solidified over the years, helped in no small part by his 'sociology background' and from participating in parenting conferences that revealed "teenage girls whose fathers participated in intimate grooming rituals like combing or braiding their hair, had an easier time opening up to the male figures in trying times".

Bhagwagar remembers one such father, who had come to her with his daughter after he lost his wife in a tragic accident. "This man is a role model," says Bhagwagar, talking about how the grieving husband had the good sense to caution his daughter about every oncoming adolescent trappings from periods to male attention. "He took the help of a gynaecologist to equip his daughter with a flawless manual on puberty, but he did the real breaking down of issues himself." These included orienting her to the possibility of boyfriends (which he did not forbid, but asked to be kept informed), laying down rules about things he would be okay with her doing and things he wouldn't approve of in the context of a new relationship.

That, right there, is another positive strategy. Professor Prasad advises fathers to refrain from phrases like "don't do and shouldn't do". Instead he suggests laying down the boundaries she deems fit, and then leaving it up to her. "Its a good idea for a father to tell his daughter that if she makes questionable choices, she should be prepared for the consequences. And if she were to find herself in trouble, she can always come to him," he adds.​ Bhagwagar too, observes that when fathers do talk sexuality to daughters, too often the conversation borders on moral policing and should evolve to mutual interaction.

For Kamlesh Shukla, this evolution involved some small, innocuous steps that aren't directly related to the subject of adolescence. "He started confiding in me about his work and I started telling him secrets—my friend's and mine," Shivani says, adding that while she agrees with most of his opinions, sometimes their point of views clash. I tell Shivani I've been in that boat and she gets defensive. "Well, not always. If I wanted to bunk a class occasionally, I know he'd be cool and say—yahi toh time hain!"

Don't be squeamish about:

• Changes in the body and puberty
   
• Menstrual science and menstrual hygiene
   
• Social and psychological impacts of maturation
   
• Relationship with the opposite sex
   
• Sex, sexuality and sexual abuse
   
• Importance of keeping the parent informed
   
• Possible consequences of recklessness
   
• The right to form one's own decisions
   
• The assurance of your presence, no matter what