O CAPTAIN! MY CAPTAIN!
One game under the belt for Caretaker Gareth and things are looking up for England. Winning the first match under their new manager was decent enough. But the real challenge was whether he would exhibit the necessary self-control required to stay clear of celebrating Saturday’s thumping 2-0 win over Malta by hiring a gold limousine to take him out for a big night in London’s West End, during which he would unwittingly accept a lucrative offer to feature as a keynote speaker at the Pizza Hut Christmas party later this year, all while taking gulps from a pint of absinthe. It would all end with him saying he’s never much cared for Mary Berry’s recipes and that would be that; Phil Brown would have been England’s manager by the end of the week. But no, none of that for Caretaker Gareth, which means he’s already one up on his predecessor. After the debacle of Big Sam’s grubby demise it’s progress, enough for $exually Repressed Morris Dancing Fiver to proclaim England as favourites for the next World Cup if they maintain this rate of improvement.
For all that Malta cowered as England squelched past them, Caretaker Gareth wasn’t entirely pleased. While it initially seemed that he wasn’t going to rock the boat, heightening the impression that he’s too nice to succeed in the job, he’s decided that it’s time to steer it into some choppy waters, having come to the conclusion that the majority of England supporters reached a long time ago: it seems he’s about to drop Wazziesta for Tuesday’s World Cup qualifier in Slovenia. That’s right. No more Mr Nice Caretaker Gareth. He’s unveiled his mean streak and the first casualty is his wheezing, spluttering, red-faced captain, whose attempt to convert himself from a deadly striker to a midfield maestro looks more doomed than ever, with that trademark crossfield pass out to the right-back not enough to spare him from a place on the bench.
Now we can drop the pretence that Wazziesta was any use during Euro 2016. While it’s a brave move in some ways, it’s an obvious one in so many others. It won’t cure all of England’s flaws, it is slightly reminiscent of Schecond–Schoish Schteve’s decision to omit David Beckham from his first squad after replacing $exy Sven and there is every chance that Wazziesta will be back in the side sooner rather than later, given how these episodes have played out in the past. Above all, however, it does show two things. Firstly Caretaker Gareth isn’t overawed by fame, unlike, say the surprisingly timid Sam Allardyce. Secondly that he is the owner of a functioning pair of eyes, enabling him to spot that England would probably be better off with a lump of cheese instead of Wazziesta in midfield. Three years after Lord Ferg tried to get him out of Manchester United, only for David Moyes to lose his nerve, is this the beginning of the end?
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I have tried everything, but I can’t bear this anymore, today’s issue of the sleeves is the straw that breaks the camel’s back. They’ve managed to make me lose the excitement of coming here and although after Russia I’ll only be 31, I’ll leave” – having been booed for being seen as disrespectful for wearing a Spain shirt with sleeves cut short against Albania, Gerard Piqué decides he’ll curtail his Spain career too rather than put up with any more nonsense surrounding his views on Catalan independence, either real or imagined, by easily offended fans.
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FIVER LETTER
“Can I be the first of 1,057 rehashers of an old joke to say I’m not sure Sergei Rafailov (Friday’s Bits and Bobs) was actually in Manchester when he witnessed all those things he didn’t like. Plenty of cities have ‘homeless people … masses of drunk people [and] men walking down the street and kissing’. However, if it was really Manchester surely he would have also complained about the rain” – Ed Taylor (and no other rehashers of an old joke).
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Ed Taylor.
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BITS AND BOBS
Fifa is facing legal action in the Swiss courts over its alleged complicity in the mistreatment of migrant workers in Qatar before the 2022 World Cup.
York City keep moving the finish line of their Do One marathon, so now Jackie McNamara is leaving … but will stay on as caretaker. “The chairman has asked Jackie to train and prepare the team until a suitable candidate has been determined,” cheered the club. “This process should be completed within two weeks.”
A Team GB Big Sports Day football team would not endanger the four home nations’ independent status in the eyes of Fifa head-honcho and former Big Cup tombola overlord Gianni Infantino. “I don’t see this as being an issue,” he confirmed, while spying on Rory McIlroy.
Lukewarm property Riyad Mahrez has decided it is already time he reminded everyone that not so long ago he brought the heat. “There was contact with Arsenal,” blabbed the Leicester player, polishing his ego. “But Leicester wanted to keep me and I was pretty expensive. Personally, I think it is a good thing I stayed put.”
Bernard Cribbins, after undergoing the most startling transformation since Weird Uncle Fiver took those pills and disappeared into that cave for three months, has said he would not be against cosying up with Dr Tony at Aston Villa. “I’ve had a chat with them. That’s as far as it’s gone,” said Cribbins Mk II. “They did say they’re in a process, which you have to respect. I’m hoping that I hear something this week. It would be a terrific job.”
Don’t cry over split Milik, reckon Napoli after their Poland striker knacked his cruciate ligament. “We hope to see [Arkadiusz Milik] running in January. Recovery time will be shorter than we usually declare,” tooted club medical type Alfonso De Nicola.
And the Russian Football Union decided to hastily call off a half-time gong ceremony planned to honour 100-cap veteran defender Vasili Berezutski when the player showed a remarkable grasp of timing by putting through his own net during a three-goal Russia collapse minutes before the break. To cap a truly splendid day, Berezutski went on to concede a 91st-minute penalty from which Costa Rica scored the decisive goal in their 4-3 win.
STILL WANT MORE?
Paul Doyle jumps on board Dundalk’s extraordinary domestic and Big Vase adventure, after chatting to manager Stephen Kenny, who took over the club with the club’s very existence in the balance.
‘Safe standing’ would not be a return to English football’s dark ages, writes Daniel Taylor.
Gareth Farrelly’s goal kept Everton up in 1998, but that’s where his story really starts, as Alan Smith explains.
How exactly will Wales line up ... in their pre-match team photo? More on the 3-8 formation – and others – right here.
Gordon Strachan’s soundbites fell flat after Scotland’s dire performance against Lithuania. Ewan Murray tells all.
Sachin Nakrani heard from Jackie McNamara before the latest bizarre instalment of goings on at York.
A bit like Robbie Williams, Dele Alli thrives as England’s born entertainer, writes David Hytner.
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