See the inspiring stories Come meet us Time to legalize weed?
VOICES
Terrorism

Voices: What you should know about terrorism's impact

Sherri Mandell
Special for USA TODAY
The McIntyre family from Redlands, Calif., hold candles at a vigil at San Manuel Stadium  on Dec 3, 2015, in remembrance of the 14 people lost in the San Bernardino mass shooting. From left to right, Patrick,11; Kathleen, 13; Renee and Joe.  The parents are middle school teachers.

We live in very difficult times, with violent attacks, with mass shootings from San Bernardino to Orlando. I am unfortunately a victim of terror, a veteran victim.

We moved to Israel in 1996 from America. Five years later, on May 8, 2001, my eldest child, my 13-year-old son Koby, and his friend Yosef Ish Ran were murdered. In an attempt to help ourselves and others, my husband and I created the Koby Mandell Foundation, where we provide therapy and activities for hundreds of victims of terrorism in Israel. Along the way I have learned the following lessons:

1. There is no closure. There is no graduation certificate for grief. Somebody asked a friend of mine when I was three years into mourning, isn’t she over it? No. There is no closure. But there is what I call “disclosure.” Survivors can find new friends, new interests and a new mission.

2. Victims’ families don’t move on. They move with. With the memories. With the pain. With the love. And with the will to survive and bear witness.

3. Trauma isn’t only in the mind. It resides in the body. Survivors have to work with their bodies to deal with the pain: Using, for example, EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) or other trauma techniques.

4. Survivors don’t overcome. They become. Somebody else. Because the person they were before would never have had the capacity to deal with this emotional horror. In every trauma there is a shattering and an opportunity for rebirth.

5. The survivors don’t need to be distracted from the pain. If they don’t enter the pain, they will never exit it. What they need is support.

6. Don’t tell the survivors to “Be strong.”  In fact, once I was speaking to a 16-year-old friend of Koby’s and when he left me, he said, “Guard your strength.” I think that’s more important. Guarding your strength means take care of yourself, protect yourself, know what is good and bad for you.

This is  13-year old Koby Mandell who was murdered in 2001.

7. It is not good to be alone. The community must help these families.

8.  Make sure that the children are taken care of.

9. There is a difference between fate and destiny. Rabbi Joseph Soloveitchik said that our job in this world is to transform fate into destiny. Even living with atrocity can be directed toward a sense of meaning and purpose.

10. Those who lose loved ones to terrorism and other acts of violence are not only victims. They are survivors. And the way they survive will determine their own children’s health. As studies of second- and third-generation Holocaust survivors have shown, trauma can be passed on if it is not processed. This is sometimes referred to as secondhand or vicarious trauma.

When individuals experience terror and violence, it also affects our local communities and our societies at large.The pain and grief, the trauma and stress, create ripples that affect everyone, whether they know us personally or have watched the tragedy on TV. Those who witness trauma (even on the screen) may be at risk for vicarious trauma disorders with the danger of higher stress levels and even PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder).

When terror and violence hurt some of us, they hurt all of us.

Mandell is the author of The Road to Resilience and The Blessing of a Broken Heart. She is the co-founder of the Koby Mandell Foundation and a certified pastoral counselor.

Featured Weekly Ad