ROD CHESTER
Camera IconROD CHESTER Credit: Supplied

Census 2016: As quizzes go, this one sucked

Rod ChesterNews Corp Australia

The Census is broken. But I have a plan to fix it and it’s got nothing to do with designing a system actually able to cope with the job it was meant to do. Although that would help. Obviously.

If there is one lesson we have learnt by the failure of the Census servers last week, it’s that Australians clearly love a quiz.

OK, we also learnt that if you insist everyone log into a web server in the same add break of the Olympics, then stuff is going to go down, and by stuff, we mean your web server.

Plus, we learnt that some in Canberra don’t know what a hack is, including the Census Minister Michael McCormack who treated the word like it’s contagious and can be caught in the air like a game of verbal tiggy. “There, I said it! You’ve been hacked now”.

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As a journalist of 25 years, I’ve worked with some hacks. I know some hacks. Some hacks are friends of mine. Minister, you’ve not been hacked. A hack is when your little brother opens your diary and reads it. A denial of service is when your little brother puts so much crap in the hallway you can’t get into your bedroom.

There is no evidence that the census was hacked although there is evidence, from what the ABS has said, that the system was targeted in a denial of service attack, although that’s another word the minister has issues with too.

No, minister, someone doesn’t make a DDoS (Distributed Denial of Service) attempt. They make an attack. And saying you shut down your server yourself to stop an “attempt” from shutting it down for you doesn’t make it even less so.

It’s like saying you outsmarted the king’s executioner by cutting your own head off. When there is a head in the basket, discussing how it got there is a moot point.

So, there were lots of lessons from #censusfail and no doubt more to come — and more heads in baskets — as the truth unravels in how the ABS and IBM combined to do such a remarkably inadequate job. Dozens of countries have been doing Census counts online since 2000, including Australia which has successfully done this two times already.

The Census is important in the sense that it has the potential to direct funding to things like more bike paths. (Pic: News Corp)
Camera IconThe Census is important in the sense that it has the potential to direct funding to things like more bike paths. (Pic: News Corp) Credit: News Corp Australia

So much for third time is a charm.

But let’s put aside, just for a moment, the shemozzle that was Census night. And let’s put aside, for the same extended moment, the privacy concerns that were hashed out endlessly in the lead up.

And let’s jump back in to the heart of the matter. The Census is a quiz and as quizzes go, the Census sucked. Aside from who I work for and how much I earn, which the Government already knows, the only real question on the form is the antiquated “do you have internet at home?”.

Clearly the correct answer to the ABS folk is “why, do you need to come and use it?”. Other correct answers include “you do realise that almost every adult Australian has the internet in their pocket anywhere they go?”.

I love the Census. I support the Census. I just wish the Census was more like those quizzes in magazines aimed at teenage girls that give you a score on what you’re willing to do on a first date.

I told the Census I rode my bike to work that day, which should go towards the push to improve bike tracks in my area. But often, I catch the train and I didn’t get to tell them that.

The Census is important and the Census is stuffed.

They need to fix it. Maybe they should find some teenage girls who are experts in doing quizzes. They could probably give the government a few tips on how to use the internet too.