Lighten up, it’s gonna brighten up

Lighten up, it’s gonna brighten up
City shrinks define ‘happiness’, debunk clichés surrounding it, and offer some real answers for a change.

Pharell Williams articulates it well in his number-one single, but most are still clueless about what ‘happiness’ truly is and how to achieve it. While many have agonised over demystifying this nebulous idea, few have managed to reach the desirable state of mind. That WHO rates Mumbai as one of the cities with highest depression rates globally forces us to investigate the factors that wean us off our natural cheer.

The troubled 20s: The Job Jab

Psychiatrist with Hinduja Hospital, Dr Kersi Chavda, feels deterrents to happiness are age-specific. For those at the dawn of their careers, Chavda feels, the downer is setting unrealistic expectations. “If you’re not happy with what you have, you’re looking at achieving things that are beyond your capacity. It’s nice to be ambitious but when you take it to a delusional level, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment.” The answer: set realistic goals based on self-assessment — be it related to one’s career, family or love life. If you don’t, “you’re just not allowing yourself to be happy”. “I might want to be a doctor, but I may be lacking in empathy or communication skills, so I know that I will not be a very good doctor. But there are people who are persistent on a profession that may not match with what they’re good at. While they may get the job, they will not be happy as they’re not doing what they like to do. They are only doing it because it was expected of them.” Being realistic about one’s abilities and accepting one’s potential can be seen as limiting, if not unambitious. So, should we forsake our dreams in our eternal quest for ‘happiness’? Harbouring aspirations are fine, says Chavda, as long as they are in sync with one’s strengths and weaknesses. “If you want to join the IIT and you’re good at maths, then work you’re a*** off to appear for the entrance test. But if you’re not good at physics and maths, you shouldn’t try it, because even if you get in, you will have to do physics and maths everyday and you won’t be happy. It’s nice to say that we can get ourselves to like something we don’t, but it only works in philosophy,” adds Chavda.

The trying 30s: The social hate-work

Psychologist Sonali Gupta feels that our nature of looking at other people’s lives and comparing it with our own to measure what we have is also intrinsic to how happy we are. “Our Facebook is a curated version of our life and people often use it to draw comparisons. But since it is a curated version, there’s a lot about my life that doesn’t make it there. I will share something that needs to spoken about, but I may not want to share that I’ve spent sleepless nights because my daughter was ill as I choose not to talk about it. So people will think everything is great with my life and feel worse about their own.” Gupta warns against being trapped by these illusory ideas to make unnecessary comparisons and focus on how you’ve improved over the years and prioritise what makes you happy. “Try and figure out what you want in life. You may be doing a particular job and role and want to move to another, but will that make you happy? Others can do that and be happy but it may or may not be suited to you, even if you make more money. So this illusory link between money, popularity with happiness is fallacy. It can give you temporary pleasure but won’t make you happy,” explains Gupta.

The fading 40s: The realm of regret

Mid-life crisis or not, being in your 40s can make you reflect and question every action or decision taken and how it has impacted your life. One should’ve done this or not done that — those tatty career choices, the one-night stand from hell, the alcoholic daze, the drug abuse of yore, the whole gamut. “But if we did something at a particular time, it is only because at that time we thought it was the best thing to have done. And if through hindsight, we think we should have done otherwise, it’s not fair, to you, to those around you. It is imperative to accept that we are not God and that we only did what we thought was best for us at that time. When you have that acceptance coming in, it’s great,” explains Chavda. From the career standpoint, he adds, “You may look back and say, OK, I missed the boat here, but I did this and have done well for myself. So pay more attention to the positives rather than the negatives.”

Moksh is a hoax: The thrifty 50s

Money can’t buy happiness — perhaps the most tossed-about cliché — may be true. But those who feel that giving it all up to seek internal peace couldn’t be more misguided. “People want to give up their material possessions and go and sit on top of the Himalayas, far away from all the stress and strain in life, but it won’t help,” says Chavda, adding, “Because happiness is within you. So, you may go to a serene environment and it will be fine, but it’s about allowing it to be fine when you’re in honking-dirty-over-congested-rude Mumbai and appreciating the good side — saying it’s such a lovely city, it is giving me my breadand-butter, it is full of pulsating energy, and everyone is helpful.” Also, one can’t say “material things cannot buy happiness” in absolute terms. “Try telling that to someone who cannot afford basic healthcare or someone whose son or daughter who cannot get into a college of her choice, because they cannot afford it. But that doesn’t mean that the richest man in the world is happy. Whether we are rich or poor, we have to be realistic in our appraisal and give it our best shot and optimise our potential.”

Nothing lasts forever

Happiness, like every emotion, isn’t a constant. Psychotherapist H’vovi Bhagwagar feels that happiness is a journey and not a destination. “One common mistake is to look for all the missing elements in life and believe that fulfilling those will lead to a permanent state of bliss. This is why people strive to earn more money, marry the right partner, or seek awards and recognition. While they make one feel satisfied, one cannot exist in a constant state of happiness forever,” explains Bhagwagar. Her tip to beat the blues: “Once we stop giving every thought that crosses our mind so much undue importance, we have started on the journey to true happiness.”