From Dr. to Mrs.: I've Got My Doctorate...Now Where's My Husband?

From Dr. to Mrs.: I've Got My Doctorate...Now Where's My Husband?
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By Brittny Wells, DrPH, CHES
Higher Education Faculty

The dating scene overall has changed significantly over the past 40 years. Remember the stories about how your parents met? Maybe they were high school sweethearts or met through a friend at a drive-in movie or concert. Either way, with the advent of social media and online mechanisms for dating, the days of "boy meets girl" and "you hang up...no you hang up...on three hang up" are almost ancient. This notion is even more so true for women pursuing doctoral or professional degrees, especially Black women in this category.

Whether you're a doctor (MD), doctor (PhD), or a doctor (JD, EdD) and the list goes on, if you are a single Black woman, you may be looking back on your matriculation through school and wonder where all your good years have gone. By "good", I mean available, carefree, and for some of us, 10-15 pounds lighter. Recently, I've been having conversations with many of my friends who have completed these highly respectable credentials, some before the age of 30, and they all have the same question - "I've got my doctorate...now where is my husband?"

This question has brought me to three main conclusions about the uptake of a terminal degree program:

1) Many of these educated queens have conducted life with a "serial" thought process beginning with obtaining education and ending with marriage and having a family.

2) Most Black women are willing to "date down", but find that men can be very insecure when dating a woman with higher credentials/pay than theirs.

3) Marriage is viewed as more of an "accomplishment" than reaching a milestone that only 3% (U.S. Census Bureau, 2016) of the American population have reached.

Going to school nonstop has been the recent trend in the journey to the doctorate. Most older Black women with these degrees went back several years after finishing undergrad or getting a master's, putting them in their late 30's, 40's, and even 50's when obtaining the "Dr." designation. Most recently, Black women are taking the "serial student" approach and getting one degree after the other. As I conducted a little informal research during my own journey, many of my colleagues were around my age, with the minority being married. Furthermore, the ratio of women to men was HIGHLY unequal - with women outnumbering men (heterosexual, unmarried men) by a landslide. That being said, one would be led to believe that women would be able to graduate and have access to that same pool of men who are now proud owners of doctoral degrees, right? Wrong!

This brings me to my next point, which is the fact that most Black women with doctoral degrees are willing to "date down", but find it incredibly exhausting when their partner is insecure about their own level of education or income. Men who hold an advanced degree, have it much easier than women. Their dating pool is much larger, given that socially we are programmed to believe that the man should be the breadwinner in the household, therefore making it easier for them to attract the trophy wife of their choice, and maintain their position as the true "head" of the household in all aspects. In addition to this, men can take their time in settling down and getting married since their sperm doesn't have an expiration date like the ever-ticking female eggs. Tick, tock...tick!

Which brings me to my last point, and may be culturally biased considered I live in the South, however, I've observed that although Black women are making great strides in educational attainment and career mobility, we are more likely to be asked, "when's the wedding?" or "when am I going to have some grandbabies?" than about progress on the job or professional desires.

Do I think this is limited to Black female doctors? Absolutely not, but I do think there is added pressure to marry someone with equal credentials/income-earning capability. Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, Nigerian novelist and feminist had a major point when she so politely informed us, "We say to girls, 'You can have ambition, but not too much. You should aim to be successful, but not too successful. Otherwise you will threaten the man'. Because I am female, I am expected to aspire to marriage. I am expected to make my life choices always keeping in mind that marriage is the most important."

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