This story is from July 9, 2016

The truth about couple therapy

Experts warn of the ill effects of the blame game as the demand for marriage counsellors reaches an all-time high. Nona Walia finds out more...
The truth about couple therapy
Experts warn of the ill effects of the blame game as the demand for marriage counsellors reaches an all-time high. Nona Walia finds out more...
Marital misery is on the rise. With divorce rates rising every day in India, marriage therapy is booming. However, even for psychotherapists, relationship counselling remains the most challenging area. It’s not easy to be caught between warring couples.
Psychotherapists and counsellors, who have been dealing with the spate in marital discord in the past decade, tell us how to find peace even as patience teeters and life seems to spin out of control.
Dr Brian D Doss, professor of psychology at the University of Miami, says the average couple is unhappy for six years before seeking counselling — at which point relationship problems are very difficult to fix. There was a time when marriage counsellors and psychologists mostly dealt with queries on living in a joint family or wanted tips on how to deal with the mother-in-law. These days, however, men and women are seeking help to understand how to co-habit the same space.
Changing times
Says Dr Nisha Khanna, marriage counsellor, “Couples now come to us with temperamental issues. It’s no longer about adjustment. The male ego is still high – 70 per cent of men still cannot take ‘no’ for an answer from a woman. And women are refusing to accept that. Both men and women are having extramarital affairs. The bottom line is that individuals are unhappy. And if one is unhappy in life, there’s no way he or she will find happiness in the marriage.”

Curb your expectations
Says marriage and family counseller Dr Gitanjali Sharma, “Some of the most common problems are: ‘I am attracted to someone other than my partner’, ‘We have not consummated our marriage’, ‘What if I have a one-night stand, will my marriage be over?’ It shows confusion in the minds of couples. Relationships are going through a big shift. Both genders find it difficult to make decisions. There are problems at every step. It’s not possible to break up and get a divorce every time you have a disagreement! We have to be more proactive in valuing relationships.”
Then there are behavioural issues like anxiety, stress and ego. Adds Dr Sharma, “Men still want the best of everything, without wanting to really give in while women today don’t want to compromise. No one has any clarity about what to expect of one another. And those who have been in multiple relationships before tying the knot, magically expect their spouse to have all the good attributes of every person they’ve dated before. Comparisons are only human. So, huge disappointments lie ahead.”
No magic pill
Says clinical psychologist and special educator Dr Ripan Sippy, “Technology and the liberalisation of social mores have changed the pattern of relationships. Couples now meet on the internet, and come to us for pre-marital counselling. People even Skype or chat with therapists online. Issues range from extra-marital affairs, ego issues to differences on how to bring up a child. Couples have far more access to professional help, but life doesn’t always have a one-word answer to problems. There is no quick fix to emotional issues.People need to understand that.”
Therapy is not like popping a pill. Most of the time, it involves dealing with emotions that one may not be comfortable with, or feelings that one finds difficult to accept. The change should begin with oneself.
How to prepare for couple therapy, and what to expect
Dos
Write down your concerns Realise that you can’t change your partner Explain your hopes and worries Leave the anger behind
Don’ts
Don’t expect your partner to agree to every solution Don’t force your partner to accompany you to the therapist Don’t ignore the fact that male and female brains work differently
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