The Name on the Marquee: NWA World Championship Wrestling (4.5.1986)

-Cold open: Ricky Morton stomps on the sunglasses.

-Original airdate: April 5, 1986.

-Your hosts are Tony Schiavone & David Crockett.

-Tully Blanchard Enterprises interrupts the opening, because the conversation that Tony & David are having about Ron Garvin is boring him. He’s a guy that comes up short repeatedly, while Tully actually HAS a belt! Tully Blanchard surprises JJ with plane tickets to Paris as a show of appreciation for all of his hard work this past week.

WAHOO MCDANIEL vs RAY TRAYLOR
-Traylor appears to be slimming down, but he’d beef right back up when they finally found a gig for him. Wahoo chops him down, then BARELY manages to hoist him up and slams him. Back to the chops, as Wahoo seems a little irritated about not being able to pull off the slam. They have a pretty obvious conversation while the camera is too close, and Wahoo applies a nice-looking top wristlock to take Traylor down to his knees.

-Wahoo goes to work on the leg. A few more big chops and the elbow gets the three-count.

-Magnum TA is here. Magnum has a cut on his forehead that’s been getting gradually bigger and bigger for the past six weeks now, and it looks like pretty soon you’ll be able to pop the top of his head off like a can of Chef Boy-Ar-Dee.

-We watch action from World Wide Wrestling. Ivan Koloff wins a squash over Rocky King, then Nikita comes in and whips King with the Russian chain…until Magnum shows up, wraps it around his neck, and hangs him. Magnum says that Nikita’s been walking around for weeks saying he’s scared, and Magnum wasn’t too afraid to do THAT to him.

NIGHTHAWK vs TONY ZANE
-Nighthawk, once again, is Joe Coltrane, the guy we met a few weeks ago who has the most imposing name ever and his gimmick is “extremely polite black guy.” He’s such a nice guy that he personally promised Zane that he’d only leave eight bruises on him.

-Nighthawk shoves Zane down. Zane’s massive thigh bruise from last week is gone but he now has a new one on the left side of his stomach, about ten inches away from achieving Full Dusty. Shoulderbreaker by Dusty gets the win pretty swiftly.

-Gorgeous Jimmy has bad news: Wahoo McDaniel has been diagnosed with Swamp Fever—characterized by a swollen nose and thinning hair—and Jimmy refuses to wrestle Wahoo until he gets a note from his doctor.

“Ragin’ Bull” MANNY FERNANDEZ vs BOB OWENS
-Fernandez tackles Owens and dropkicks him down. We hear the hype for the Crockett Cup, and the commentators are desperately trying to polish the turd for the afternoon show, reminding us that the stars that we actually want to pay money to see WILL be there…we just won’t tell you which other team will be their opponents and more than likely, it’s some jobbers that we borrowed to flesh out the show.

-Chops by Manny as a fan yells “Taco!” and the rest of the studio becomes silent in an uncomfortable moment. Flying burrito by the Taco gets three.

-Wahoo McDaniel says that his nose doesn’t make him self-conscious because that swelling comes from getting broken twelve times in the NFL. Wahoo has signed the contract, now it’s time for Jimmy to back up everything he says.

-Ron Garvin is here. He wants a belt, he wants the Crockett Cup, and when you want it bad enough, you can get it, no matter what it is.

IVAN KOLOFF (with Nikita and a meaningless championship) vs GENE LIGON
-Ivan slams Ligon down but misses the second rope kneedrop. Ligon capitalizes with a stepover toehold, but Ivan kicks out and Ligon lands on the floor. Ligon is smart enough to snap Ivan’s neck over the top rope while he’s out there, but heads back in for more leg work.

-Koloff throws chops at Ligon and tosses him back outside. Ligon lands on his feet but is somehow in tremendous pain from that, but again, Ligon puts his position to good use, sweeping Ivan’s leg and ramming it into the post. He goes back in and Ivan connects with right hands. He throws Ligon out to the floor and again Ligon doesn’t have it in him to actually take the bump, but sells as if he did. Ivan connects with a kneedrop, and actually makes it a point to use the knee that Ligon hasn’t been working, which is a nice touch.

-Legdrop by Ivan gets two. Ligon throws forearms and punches as he gets back to his feet, but Ivan takes him right back down. Ligon comes back with more right hands, but misses a corner charge. Second rope elbow by Ivan. Ivan gingerly pushes Ligon out to the floor one more time, and this time Nikita FINALLY strikes him down with the chain, which everyone in the audience was waiting for him to do for the entire match.

-Back in, Ivan connects with one more knee and gets the pin. Pretty good jobber match.

-Dusty Rhodes is here, wearing a David Allen Coe shirt and a country radio station shirt. Some quick research finds that the radio station has since switched to a hip-hop format, because I cared enough to check. Baby Doll tries not to laugh as Dusty struggles with a weird analogy about how Marilyn Monroe and Baby Doll are equally beautiful, “like pyramids.” Baby Doll announces that Dusty is taking an entire week off leading up to Crockett Cup just so he’ll be fully rested for his title shot.

HECTOR GUERRERO vs CARL STYLES
-Hector takes him down fast and works the arm. Hiptosses and armdrags to and fro by Guerrero. Styles gouges the eyes and throws right hands. Guerrero comes back with double forearms off the ropes…so, a flying eightarm, I guess, and does some Ron Garvin-style tying up and pretzelizing the opponent. This actually leads to a funny spot as Styles bites his hand to break the hold, but then doesn’t STOP biting, and Guerrero brings him all the way to his feet just by pulling up his own arm. Splash off the ropes gets three.

PEZ WHATLEY, THE BARBARIAN, & BARON VON RASCHKE (with Teijo Khan & Paul Jones) vs ROCKY KERNODLE, BRODIE CHASE, & BILL TABB
-Kernodle is so stoked about this match that he yawns right on camera during the intro. And it’s new looks all around for the heel side; Paul Jones is now dressed in his foreign military leader garb, and Pez Whatley is now sporting a tuxedo and top hat for his entrance, which doesn’t fit the army motif and makes him look like a goof after cutting his fired up promo from last week where he demanded respect for his abilities as an athlete.

-Pez starts with Kernodle, slamming him down and firing away with punches. I think what bugs me is that there’s no real need for Pez to be with Paul Jones. Pez had a good reason on his own for turning heel, he cut a promo all by himself that got the feud over, and now he’s just shoehorned into a feud that’s been ongoing for three damn years.

-Whatley hammers away at Chase now, biting his face and then tagging in Barbarian. Barbarian boots him out to the floor and Jones attacks with his new weapon, the riding crop. He takes three shots with it in full view of the referee and then STRANGLES the jobber and for some reason this match is still going. So again, Jones is the exact opposite of “Weasel” despite the constant chants, and he can’t interfere in a match correctly. God, I mean..again, I have to remind you, I started watching in ’89. My exposure to Paul Jones was previously limited, but holy shit, it’s like no one would have a talk with him about how to do this.

-Pez beats up Bill Tabb as Jones, case in point, climbs between the damn ropes to yell instructions. Jones goes over and says he’s proud of “Shaska,” and nobody knows what the hell that means.

-Baron Von Geritol tags in and rakes the back of Bill Tabb. Hiptoss follows and Pez does a weird little dance before connecting with a headbutt off the ropes for three.

-Arn Anderson is here. Ron Garvin already had a chance at greatness a few weeks earlier, and now he wants another shot at the TV Title? Arn Anderson has already fought all of them, but he’s willing to give Garvin one more shot. Garvin really needs a big win in SOMETHING soon, because he’s been choking for four straight months and the Horsemen are repeatedly drawing attention to that.

-Jim Cornette is here to predict the Crockett Cup is going to the Midnight Express. He predicted he’d be manager of the year, he predicted his men would be champions, and after the Crockett Cup, he might be burned for witchcraft because nobody understands how he keeps predicting the future. But then he’s rudely interrupted by some entrance music that he doesn’t like.

ROCK & ROLL EXPRESS vs LARRY CLARKE & ART PRITTS
-Shoulderblock by Ricky, and an armdrag sends Pritts running for his corner. Kneelift by Robert on Larry Clarke, and a dropkick by Ricky Morton connects with an audible smack. Morton and Gibson work over Pritts’ leg as the commentators continue their tack about teams going to New Orleans to acclimate to the climate. It gets muggy in Georgia. I’m pretty sure they can handle it.

-Ricky keeps working over Pritts’ leg. Morton tags in to add a toehold. They stay on the leg and clear Clarke off the apron, and the double dropkick gets three.

-Ricky & Robert go over to the commentary table to enjoy an encore presentation of Ricky beating up the Nature Boy last week. They rationalize the one-sidedness pretty well, explaining that Flair was so arrogant that he just wasn’t expecting ANY offense from Ricky, period, which is why Flair didn’t even fight back; he was too surprised. But Ricky challenges Flair to a one-on-one match and promises one hell of a fight.

MAGNUM T.A. (United States Champion) vs. BILL MULKEY
-This, on the other hand, is not one hell of a fight.

-Paul Jones’ Army is here. The Army is marching through New Orleans and will come out the other side with the Crockett Cup. He declares the Army is complete, and that 1986 will be the Army’s year. Pez Whatley holds up Jimmy Valiant’s hair and promises more big tricks for 1986. The war has just begun! Pez cuts a promo that sounds exactly like his face promos, except he’s lashing out at the faces. He’s taking a 180-degree step in the wrong direction after a hot start last week. Paul Jones actually feeds a line into his ear on camera. Holy shit, getting promo advice from Paul Jones is like getting a diet tip from Adam Nedeff. Yeah, he’s not the WORST person you can ask for help, but he’s also not the FIRST person you can ask for help.

TV TITLE: ARN ANDERSON (Champion) vs RON GARVIN
-Arn stalls because wasting time works to the TV champ’s advantage. He clamps on a side headlock and switches to an armbar. Garvin escapes. Arn tries to stall but Garvin chases him back into the ring and connects with a right hand that apparently isn’t quite stony enough, because Arn gets right up. Headbutt knocks him silly, though, and Garvin starts pretzeling. Arn gets free and they have a fist fight. Hard right by Garvin still doesn’t knock Arn out and they trade two-counters before Arn goes out to the floor to stall again.

-Back in, Arn clamps on an armbar, or as I like to call it in this situation, an Arnbar. Garvin gets out on top and applies a chinlock as we pause for a break. The tape machines are rolling!

-We’re back from the break and suddenly Tully Blanchard is on commentary. Another slugfest erupts. Garvin connects with “a tremendously legal FIST!” according to Tully, but it only gets two. Arn rallies by targeting the stomach. Garvin fights back with chops and sets up for the hands of stone, but Arn dodges it and goes to the floor.

-Back in, they collide on a double shoulderblock, but in a nice twist, only Arn goes down, while Garvin fights to stay on his feet and walks around to shake it off. Garvin applies an abdominal stretch, but Tully runs in to break it up and stop the match. Double Gourdbuster by the Horsemen. Arn & JJ force Garvin’s hand against the post, and Tully drives a cowboy boot against it repeatedly to break his hand. Garvin will NEVER be able to use that punch as effectively again.

-Cornette is back. He promises that the Rock & Roll Express will NEVER get their gold back.

MIDNIGHT EXPRESS (World Tag Team Champions) vs MIKE SIMANI & DENNY BROWN
-Brown is your reigning Jr. Heavyweight Champion, by the way.

-Bobby Eaton starts with Brown. Brown flips out of a top wristlock and dropkicks Eaton down. In comes Loverboy Dennis. Brown applies a side headlock. Condrey gets free and hiptosses Brown. Brown tags in Mike Simani, so that’s it for the back-and-forth.

-Condrey rubs Simani’s face into the mat. Eaton suplexes him. They do their catch the jobber spot, but Simani is too much of a pussy to actually take the bump. There’s a lot of that going around lately. I mean, yeah, I get that it IS a hard bump, but this is getting to be pretty noticeable.

-Kneedrop off the top rope by Eaton, and the face-first Russian legsweep by Dennis gets the three.

-Nikita Koloff is back. He de-shirts to a huge pop from the freedom-hating women in the audience, and says that Magnum is trying to get out of the title match by injuring Nikita ahead of time. Funny bit from Nikita, as he grabs Tony’s arm and uses it to hit himself to prove how tough he is.