Brave soul Jenna Sauers has gone where no writer has ever gone before: an East Hampton sex party. On the whole, having a reporter at a sex party is nothing new. (Sex parties are like celebrity cruises—90 percent media, 10 percent elderly Paula Deen disciples.) But Sauers trod new territory, attending the inaugural Hamptons sex party of London-based company Killing Kittens, a.k.a. the most boring sex party since the first sex parties (which, if HBO is to be believed, were in ancient Rome and were hahhhhht).
“Hamptons sex party for the elite” sounds like a great setting for an episode of SVU and also like hell—and not a sexy, sweaty hell full of writhing bodies. Sauers spent most of the day watching “well-groomed people in their white linen outfits mingle.” It was many hours before people started doing any sex.
So, should you end up invited to a Hamptons sex party, shove aside some of the hunnids in your money satchel (tickets to the sex party are $400 per couple, and drinks are not free) and pack these must-haves. Or risk hours of sexless boredom.
Twister
Twister is both a lovely way to pass a rainy afternoon at summer camp and a shortcut to intimacy. Probably the kind of people who would pay $400 to be part of “the world’s sexual elite” will be really competitive at Twister and extra aroused by winning.
Snacks
Sauers reports that there is very little food at a Hamptons sex party. Beyond some sushi from a nearby grocery store and some token oysters, there was nothing. Wait until everyone is desperate, and then reveal your stash of Trader Joe’s “Just a Handful” trail mix packs. Sell them at $90 a pop.
A Sunny Disposition
Nobody wants to be here, but we're all stuck here because we paid $400 and we want to be the world's sexual elite, so we might as well make the best of it.
Résumés
Maybe someone from the world's sexual elite will hire you.
Buckets of Lube
For lubing up a Slip'N Slide made out of trash bags.
Clipboard
I find that at really awkward parties—sexy or otherwise—it's helpful to hold something official-looking in your hands. Bring extra crayons and invite new sex friends to make an erotic doodle or several.
iPhone Charger
When your phone is out of juice, it's a lot harder to convincingly sit alone "handling a work crisis" on your phone.
A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara
You’ll be really happy you brought a book to this sex party. Plus, everyone in the Hamptons has read A Little Life, and they all “really identify with Jude,” so it’s a great tool for sparking an existential conversation with a major tool.
Getaway Yacht
"The au courant way to have traveled to the party was on one's own boat," Sauers tells us. If the sex party reaches its sixth hour and nobody has had any sex yet and the sex-party hostess is about to jump in and "get things started" (Cha Cha Slide, anyone?), trust us: You're going to want your fastest getaway yacht at the ready.
