This was published 7 years ago
It's not Timbuktu: A guide for public servants booted to Armidale
By Henry Belot
If you're a public servant being marched to Armidale you best prepare for drinks at "the spewy", tales of Captain Thunderbolt and a bright future as compost.
Deputy Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce announced the hostile takeover on Thursday and insisted Armidale was not Kathmandu or Timbuktu and public servants would be just fine.
It's not Kathmandu or Timbuktu: Barnaby Joyce has announced Canberra public servants will move Armidale. Credit: Andrew Meares
ACT Chief Minister Andrew Barr obviously didn't get the memo. He fired off a press release calling it an extraordinary example of pork (human) barrelling in an election battle.
"Capped at the knees," he said. "Breathtaking arrogance," he said. "Forced out of their homes," he said.
But Mr Joyce - Barn if you please - said Armidale was a vibrant and exciting town. He's right too. Here's a taste of Armidale's top treats for those mercilessly forced from their homes:
If you get fired from the public service, you could have a future as compost
The town hopes to transform dead human bodies into compost on a 16-hectare property. On your days off you could search for your own biodegradable coffin or shroud to push up daisies.
Take your boss to The Spewy for Friday night drinks after work
Mooseheads is a Canberra institution for many younger public servants and the occasional EL1 gone wild. In Armidale, you can hit up the New England Hotel affectionately dubbed "The Newy", or in some refined circles "The Spewy". The Barn famously learned diplomacy and tact as a bouncer at a pub in Armidale. This could be your turn.
The place has two traffic lights and plenty of parking
Leave your pay parking rage in the parliamentary triangle. Just think of the savings. You could use that money at the town's fine dining establishment, The Coughing Gherkin. Our newsroom insiders say there are only two traffic lights in town. Their intelligence on roundabouts is shaky.
They've got the National Broadband Network
No more writing angry letters to this paper about no internet connection despite living a short drive from Parliament House. You can direct your mail to the Armidale Express, whose reporters will be happy hear from you.
Kids at Armidale City Public School have internet so fast they can videoconference with Korea
You can't escape university students looking for trouble
You'll never be far from first year students gallivanting through town in dress-ups seeking cheap booze. My mail is Armidale students enjoy the "Pants Down Eagle Rock Dance", which involves dropping your daks whenever a C-grade cover-band plans the Daddy Cool classic.
The spirit of Captain Thunderbolt lives on
The town has a rich bushranger history. It's also controversial. Some believe local gentleman bushranger Captain Thunderbolt was the subject of a police cover up that continues today. Ask someone at The Spewy about it.
You'll still get political drama in the bush
Richard Torbay was popular mayor in the 1990s and in turn became popular independent state MP. He was the protege of Tony Windsor until he joined the Nationals and tried to run against him. It was fun and games until he was referred to the Independent Commission Against Corruption and deselected, making space for The Barn.
Richard Torbay made way for Barnaby Joyce to switch from the Senate to the House of Representatives
Blazing through your flex-time in the highest city in Australia
It's officially the highest city in Australia and that has nothing to do with a large student population. At 980 metres above sea level you also get long, cold winters with a chance of snow.