When we think of a child passing into adulthood, we usually picture independent living — perhaps with roommates, alone or eventually with a partner or spouse. Today that picture might need some adjustment.
A Pew Research poll released last week found that American men age 18 to 34 are more likely to be living with their parents than in any other living situation.
What’s going on? What’s happening to men? And, just as important: Why?
It seems like men don’t know whom they’re supposed to be anymore. While they get a lot of specific advice during different stages of their life, perhaps more than even women do, there’s no longer a sense of a “big picture” for men to try to live up to.
For example: Women are encouraged to “have it all,” a ridiculous goal, but a goal nevertheless. Women are told to aim for family, career, a perfect body, strong friendships.
But men? Men are told to put off family until they have a career, as if those two things couldn’t possibly run in parallel. Meanwhile, women outpace men at colleges but don’t seem to have the same pressure to have figured everything out before they look for a commitment.
In a job market that no longer favors them, men are stuck in limbo waiting to have a stable career before a stable relationship.
That results in a cycle in which women continue outpacing men while men are being told to close that gap as a precondition for settling down with women.
As for taking care of themselves, sure, men are encouraged to work out, but if they don’t, they could still end up with a celebrated “dad bod.” Friendships should be taken seriously, but not too seriously. Bro culture is in, emoting about problems is not.
At the core of this is a perhaps odd-sounding question, but it really is quite serious: What does it mean to “be a man”?
Men still playing the field in their late 30s are more likely to get an “attaboy” from their friends while women will get tips on how to “find the one.” It might be more fun being a guy at that point, but at least women know what the societal expectations of them are. Whether they choose to live by those expectations is another matter — but men just don’t have the same guidelines.
Today, in 40 percent of families with children under 18, mothers are the primary breadwinners. The problem is that, despite this shift, a majority of Americans continue to say that men should be the primary breadwinners.
This is, of course, in direct contrast to the message from popular culture, which is always telling us these are the outmoded beliefs of the Unfrozen Cave Man. But people still live by them — even if they won’t admit it. No wonder men seem lost.
And even more than the economy, it’s these cultural expectations and trends that weigh on young people stuck at home with their parents.
As FiveThirtyEight’s Ben Casselman wrote Friday, “The recession wasn’t what led millennials to move back into their old bedrooms (or to not leave in the first place). Rather, long-run shifts in demographics and behavior have been pushing them in that direction for decades. Most importantly, Americans are waiting longer to get married, a trend that long predates the recession.”
Let’s not just expect that boys can grow into men without any information on what that means. We over-focus on girls at the peril of our boys, and when they fail to launch, it’s a problem for us all.
Our message to boys should be similar to what we instill in our girls. Be a productive member of society. Develop a career that fulfills you. Find a partner who will support you and whom you can support.
And, for goodness’ sake, don’t live at home with your parents into your 30s.