Same-sex marriage: ‘My God, this is what feeling equal feels like’

For Sandra Irwin-Gowran, legalisation of same-sex marriage meant finally feeling equal for the first time in her life.

Sandra and her wife Marion availed of a civil partnership five years ago, but says she always felt they were not considered a family under the Constitution.

The couple married last month at the Grand Canal Street civil registry office in Dublin. The same registrar who performed their civil partnership officiated over their marriage.

“It was a very moving occasion, saying those vows and being called officially married. Being called wife and wife at the end of the ceremony was very profound,” Irwin-Gowran recalls.

“We did the big hotel thing for our civil partnership, so we weren’t going to do a big occasion this time round, but it ended up being nearly twice as big. We had a garden party in a friend’s house and it was a lovely celebration.

Stress-free wedding

“It was a very stress-free wedding and, as a result, was very enjoyable.

“We had one of the nicest days of the year and had food and drink and chats until the early hours of the morning. It was very simple but lovely,” she says.

The couple live in Dublin and are biological parents to one each of their two children – a son, Caelum, aged 8; and a daughter, Elliot, aged 5.

Marion gave birth to Caelum and Sandra gave birth to Elliot.

“We have two lovely men in our lives who are the dads; they’re a couple as well. Our kids have four parents but I suppose Marion and I are the day-to-day, put-them-to-bed parents,” she laughs.

She says being married gives them “more weight” in being recognised as a family.

“Both of us are still only guardians of one of our children, as we each gave birth to one of them, so we have to now pursue the guardianship that is available to us now through the Children and Family Relationships Act.”

Sandra is a secondary-school teacher who also works in the education sector for Glen, the Gay and Lesbian Equality Network, and was involved in the Yes campaign.

Nerve-wracking wait

She knew a Yes Vote would be hard-fought.

“While there was a high percentages of Yes votes while we were out on the canvass, you were worried how the people who didn’t open their door felt,” she says.

She recalls a nerve-wracking wait, watching over the shoulders of the tallymen at the count in the RDS.

“Every No vote was almost like a punch in the stomach,” she says.

Profound difference

Irwin-Gowran says she feels “profoundly different” following the outcome of the referendum in a way she says may not be tangible to those who are not LGBT.

“It’s very difficult to describe that to somebody who didn’t feel that sense of exclusion before that. It is a bit like getting your citizenship as a couple.

“You have been living in the State with some level of legal status, and now we’re full citizens with all that goes with that. It is the status of our relationship and our family being recognised under the Constitution,” she explains.

She says she feels a “huge gratitude” to the 62 per cent who voted Yes.

“In the days after, I was just walking down the street thinking ‘Oh my God; this is what feeling equal feels like’.

“When you don’t have it, you don’t know what it feels like, and then when you have it - you do.”