Plan B…. for men
We get it. Things are hotting up. Men are feeling “oppressed” (ha!), persecuted (double ha!), martyred ( ha ha ha!). Go ahead guys, get in touch with your inner selves (they do exist - swear). Cry into your pillows. Hang together. And wallow. We know the feeling, have known it for centuries. It’s fine. We have survived. And so will you.
This is not about the blame game. This one won’t make you Chief Villain or Biggest Turd. The intention is to make you think a little. Rewire. Unlearn. And find a few answers that work well for both men and women. Just as “How to be a Chick” isn’t easy these days (if it ever was), “How to be a Guy” is equally tough. I meet far too many men with hang dog expressions off late. And my hard, cold heart instantly melts.
Poor chaps, I think secretly. They resemble sheep with secret sorrows. They don’t know what to say to chicks. They don’t know what to do with chicks (errr, they do know that. But the chicks aren’t interested in the old routine). They are utterly confused around chicks. They want to be liked by chicks, but are totally bewildered how to get it going in this new, sexually-charged, potentially explosive environment.
Trouble starts when negotiations breakdown. Semantics get in the way. Chicks say one thing but mean another. Ditto for guys. So guys, if you want to get ahead with chicks, learn to talk their language, which, I readily admit, is very tough. It’s almost impossible to decode.
To understand a chick’s language, first you have to be a bloody good listener. Most guys become stone deaf when chicks start talking. This terminal deafness aggravates the situation immensely. Which is why it is important for you to pay attention. Close attention. To what may sound like an alien tongue to you. If your attention span is limited and/or restricted, don’t make the mistake of faking it. Chicks can tell. Just as clever guys can tell when chicks fake the Big ‘O’.
Right now, chicks across India are in a foul mood, with reason. It’s a pretty terrible time to be a chick (refer to what’s going on in Kolkata right now). So, if you care about your testicles, do NOT ever joke about the ‘r’ word (rape). Do not make cracks about sensitive issues (hormones, menstrual cramps, mood swings). Avoid topics that are touchy (ex-es, parents, girl friends). And strictly no references to body parts, eating habits, weight, skin condition.
These are just a few ground rules guys need to pay attention to, but rarely do. Workplace rules cannot be flouted, as men across the world have recently discovered to their grief.
You absolutely cannot, must not, talk to a female colleague’s chest or butt or crotch. Make eye contact and address the “person”, not the woman. She is not your locker room buddy, spare her those corny guy jokes. Don’t compete in areas that are wired to make you look like an absolute loser (you know what those are). Remember, respect begets respect.
Never forget good manners when you talk to a chick. Regardless of what people tell you, no chick likes to be treated like another best bud. She is not your “Bro”. So kindly don’t address her as that. It’s not all that complicated, after all. Guys still want to score with chicks. And chicks still want to get the guys. It’s same-same but different.
Behave like a gentleman (think Dadaji/Ajoba/Grandpa). That is your best option Always was. Always will be. Somewhere along the way, I guess you guys kinda forgot. Koi baat nahi. Chicks are a pretty forgiving lot. When all else fails, try tears. Believe me, women adore men who cry. It’s a pretty cheap trick. But hey, it works.
Have a gorgeous year.
This is not about the blame game. This one won’t make you Chief Villain or Biggest Turd. The intention is to make you think a little. Rewire. Unlearn. And find a few answers that work well for both men and women. Just as “How to be a Chick” isn’t easy these days (if it ever was), “How to be a Guy” is equally tough. I meet far too many men with hang dog expressions off late. And my hard, cold heart instantly melts.
Poor chaps, I think secretly. They resemble sheep with secret sorrows. They don’t know what to say to chicks. They don’t know what to do with chicks (errr, they do know that. But the chicks aren’t interested in the old routine). They are utterly confused around chicks. They want to be liked by chicks, but are totally bewildered how to get it going in this new, sexually-charged, potentially explosive environment.
Really guys, it’s not rocket science. It’s not all that tough. Chicks want two basic things: love and security. No matter how strenuously they pretend not to. Sex? Well, that too. But it generally comes as a special combo offer with the other two (love and security). Let’s call it McLove. Most guys run in the opposite direction when they hear those two dreaded words. But, the bottom line is this: give chicks what they want and they’ll give you what you want. It’s a pretty fair bargain.
Trouble starts when negotiations breakdown. Semantics get in the way. Chicks say one thing but mean another. Ditto for guys. So guys, if you want to get ahead with chicks, learn to talk their language, which, I readily admit, is very tough. It’s almost impossible to decode.
To understand a chick’s language, first you have to be a bloody good listener. Most guys become stone deaf when chicks start talking. This terminal deafness aggravates the situation immensely. Which is why it is important for you to pay attention. Close attention. To what may sound like an alien tongue to you. If your attention span is limited and/or restricted, don’t make the mistake of faking it. Chicks can tell. Just as clever guys can tell when chicks fake the Big ‘O’.
Right now, chicks across India are in a foul mood, with reason. It’s a pretty terrible time to be a chick (refer to what’s going on in Kolkata right now). So, if you care about your testicles, do NOT ever joke about the ‘r’ word (rape). Do not make cracks about sensitive issues (hormones, menstrual cramps, mood swings). Avoid topics that are touchy (ex-es, parents, girl friends). And strictly no references to body parts, eating habits, weight, skin condition.
These are just a few ground rules guys need to pay attention to, but rarely do. Workplace rules cannot be flouted, as men across the world have recently discovered to their grief.
You absolutely cannot, must not, talk to a female colleague’s chest or butt or crotch. Make eye contact and address the “person”, not the woman. She is not your locker room buddy, spare her those corny guy jokes. Don’t compete in areas that are wired to make you look like an absolute loser (you know what those are). Remember, respect begets respect.
Never forget good manners when you talk to a chick. Regardless of what people tell you, no chick likes to be treated like another best bud. She is not your “Bro”. So kindly don’t address her as that. It’s not all that complicated, after all. Guys still want to score with chicks. And chicks still want to get the guys. It’s same-same but different.
Behave like a gentleman (think Dadaji/Ajoba/Grandpa). That is your best option Always was. Always will be. Somewhere along the way, I guess you guys kinda forgot. Koi baat nahi. Chicks are a pretty forgiving lot. When all else fails, try tears. Believe me, women adore men who cry. It’s a pretty cheap trick. But hey, it works.
Have a gorgeous year.
Disclaimer: The views expressed here are the author's own. The opinions and facts expressed here do not reflect the views of Mirror and Mirror does not assume any responsibility or liability for the same.
