To err is human; to forgive, divine.
ALEXANDER POPE
To forgive is to forget and to give; to forget the hurt, and to give love. Forgetting and loving are like two sides of a coin. Unless one forgets, it is difficult to love; unless one loves, it is difficult to forget. Genuine forgiveness is not easy. What passes for forgiveness is usually a pragmatic compromise, good manners, frustration or fatigue resulting from sustained hostility, or simply the blunting of hostility with the passage of time. Forgiveness is most difficult when hurt is inflicted by someone very close to us, and that too because we have been misunderstood. Forgiveness is not easy because a bruised ego is difficult to heal unless the ego itself is dissolved. There is only one thing that can dissolve the ego, and that is the warmth of love. Forgiveness rooted in the ego: ‘I am better than the other person because I have forgiven’, is not genuine forgiveness.
Forgiveness is important because anger harms most the person who is angry. The harm is physical; the person may get high blood pressure, peptic ulcer, or insomnia. The harm is emotional; the person feels drained. The harm is mental; the person loses the capacity to concentrate and to think clearly. The harm is spiritual; the person hits a roadblock on the path of spiritual progress.
The ultimate antidote for all anger, resentment and hatred is forgiveness. Nobody can change the past. Nobody can change others. It is relatively easier to work on oneself. Inner work undertaken with a positive attitude is sure to yield enough ground for forgiveness. The inner work can be at the rational level. At the rational level, one can find many reasons to explain the other person’s behavior. The explanations may reside in the person’s background, limited understanding (whose is not?) or in our own behaviour and outlook. Still better than work at the rational level is inner work at the supra-rational level. First, the person whom I am angry with is also a manifestation of the Divine. Seeing the Divine in him is difficult, and therefore a challenge. Overcoming the challenge is an opportunity for spiritual growth. Therefore, instead of being angry, I should be grateful to the person for providing me an opportunity for spiritual growth, which is the very purpose of life. Secondly, the hurt, the setback, that this person has caused me, is an opportunity for introspection, for reflection, which can also lead to spiritual growth. For example, if this person has humiliated me, it gives me an opportunity to put myself in the shoes of all those who are being humiliated day in and day out in the world, without any hope of recourse or retaliation. Feeling what they feel is itself spiritual growth, and reinforces my resolve not to humiliate anybody. There is a natural tendency to thank those who boost our egos. But those who bash up our egos deserve thanks even more because we grow spiritually more because of them. Thus, genuine forgiveness is rooted in gratitude. It results from the realization that the objects of our anger or resentment have given us some of the best opportunities for spiritual growth. The realization makes it easy to forget what they did, and to love them instead.
It is difficult enough to rise to the level of consciousness that makes forgiveness easy. But it is vastly more difficult to stay at that level of consciousness. To make it a little easier to stay at the level of consciousness at which forgiveness comes naturally, some practices may help. One of them is the fire ritual. Write down all the resentment you have, resolve to replace resentment with love and forgiveness, and then burn the paper on which all the negativity had been expressed as a symbol of rooting it out of the system. Another way is to meditate, and during the meditation visualize the person whom you dislike. Think of at least one good quality, or virtue, that this person has. Meditate on this virtue. Then visualize this person walking towards you, and you offering the person a flower with a smile. The person is astonished, because he never expected it from you. But see the way he grabs this opportunity to make amends, and becomes so sweet to you. When you come out of this meditation, you are equipped to forgive. You are ready to face this person and turn a new leaf in your relationship. During the meditation, you offered him a flower; when you meet him, you are ready to offer a hug. It is that simple. Forgiveness is difficult; forgiveness can be simple.
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