The Interview That Was: With Cyrus Broacha and Kunal Vijayakar

Their much-loved CNN News18 show The Week That Wasn't, now The News That Wasn't (TNTW), went from being a weekly to a daily two weeks ago. But friends and co-hosts Cyrus Broacha and Kunal Vijayakar handle the increased workload with the same light touch they have brought to current affairs issues for 10 years running.

When not shooting for TNTW and his other show, The Foodie, on Times Now, Vijayakar acts, directs, and writes books (Made in India). Ditto Broacha – the VJ who brought televised gags to Indian TV with his MTV Bakra – who is also a podcaster and columnist.

Edited excerpts:

Has switching from a weekly to daily show put you into overdrive?

Kunal: Not really. We are actually working for the first time in our lives. And once you have your story and gags, it's not an issue.

Cyrus: I'd begged the channel to make TNTW a daily as far back as January so that my kids know I have a job.
But yes, it's easier to write for the day since you don't have to worry about topicality.

Kunal: Because the first job is to remind people of the story, then crack jokes on it. It's like stand up comedy. When the fellow goes onto the stage...

Cyrus: So sexist. Why only "fellow"? Why can't it be a girl? You don't say things like that in an egalitarian set-up.

Kunal: I'm not egalitarian. Anyway, once a stand-up person gets to a news story, people start laughing before the joke is even cracked. Topicality is half the battle won.

What's the update on the Jayalalithaa case?

(Both laugh)

Cyrus: Listen, they are busy with the Tamil Nadu polls. We shouldn't disturb anyone right now.

Kunal: As far as I know, it's still on. But the less said of it, the better.

Cyrus: I want to go on record to say that Ashish Shakya (of All India Bakchod/AIB), who used to work with us, is primarily to blame for this. Since AIB has enough cases against them, I think it would be better to transfer this case to him and let him take the flak.

Ashish, if you're reading this: I love you and I want to hold your hand.

While on sticky situations: Cyrus, you were once thrown against a mirror in an episode of MTV Bakra.

Cyrus: Yeah, in a barber shop. Those were early days in Bakra, so my reading of body language was not great. If you've had a good gag previously, you become super confident for the next one.

So we were putting shaving cream all over people's faces, just being ridiculous. One guy who came in was a local thug, but we didn't know it. He got so angry when I started playing with his hair, he pushed me against the mirror and broke one of the cameras. Those 15-20 seconds were scary.

Kunal: Another incident was outside Jehangir Art Gallery, where street artists sit.

Cyrus: Good artists, just not celebrated because their moms aren't pastry ladies.

Kunal: Bakra had set up a mock TV crew interviewing them, and the gag was about Cyrus constantly interrupting them.

Cyrus: This artist, Mr. Rajput, was glad to get 20 seconds of fame. And I kept interrupting his 'interview', saying, "Mummy, TV pe hoon, TV pe hoon?". Poor guy tolerated it five-six times before losing it. He caught my neck, and his thumbnail – which was long – went into my neck like a dagger.

I suspect that of the 23 stab wounds Julius Caesar suffered, four-five of them came from long nails.

Speaking of, you're quite the history buff. So who's your favourite classical philosopher – Mahesh Bhatt or Suhel Seth?

Cyrus: Haha, let me turn to my senior colleague who's closer to both parties (turns to Kunal).

Kunal: Both are very sporting. We'd done a gag with Mahesh Bhatt on our show, where he's lecturing people and everyone leaves one by one, but he continues talking.

Cyrus: And with Suhel, 83 per cent of the opinions you ask him about – at least off camera, where he's allowed to speak freely – he begins with the prefix 'ch**t'.

The first time you met Kunal met was at an audition for a Raell Padamsee play, wasn't it? And you hated his audition.

(Laughs) He had absolutely no interest. There are only two people in theatre who don't even try: Rahul Bose, who reads flat, and Kunal. And that time he was smoking, so he was coughing throughout the reading.

Who's your first wife: Ayesha or Kunal?

Cyrus: Kunal has a better temperament. And he's really short-tempered, so please understand what I mean by that...

Kunal: How can you even answer this question Cyrus?

Cyrus: Arre but it's true. There are good points in both of you.

Kunal: I'm not your spouse, she is. You have children with her!

Cyrus: Since I'm not sleeping with either, I don't know what I'm getting out of these relationships.

Haha. Is it true that you and Ayesha have separate bedrooms?

I'm sure I'm not the first person to think about this: everyone puts up their best front while dating. Your breath is good, your conversation flows and you don't put a foot wrong. The moment you start living together, everything gets exposed. I think by having separate bathrooms and bedrooms, relationships can endure much more. You can stay in one room for one or two evenings, whatever you want.

Kunal, you once said: 'If a friend and his wife fight, always take the wife's side because that's how the friendship lasts.'

Kunal: It does.

Cyrus: They gang up on me now. In the old days it was her against us. Now it's them versus me.

Kunal: When I'm with her, I take her side and when I'm with him, I take his side. When they are together, I take the wife's side.

Cyrus: Kunal is ready for politics. Except for AAP, he can go to any other party. Because AAP is about being Arvind's friend and listening to everything he says.

Any topic that's off-limits when you write gags for the show?

Cyrus: The sad thing is that we've started censoring ourselves lately. It wasn't so years ago.

Kunal: After the whole Jayalalithaa thing, one started worrying...

Cyrus: But it's not just her. There are so many sacred cows in the country.

Kunal: It's also not governments who attack you. It's the aam janta and chamchas. Look at what Donald Trump has done in the US. He's taking them backwards...

Someone like Trump must be a dream subject for you.

Cyrus: I'm telling you, Trump has Indian blood. You can't be so riddled with prejudice without being Indian. We're the most prejudiced people in the world. There's nobody worse than us when it comes to racism, communism, casteism, regionalism.

Kunal: All of us. I have my own set of prejudices...

Cyrus: Oh, he's really prejudiced.

In what way?

Cyrus: He hates vegetarians.

Kunal: They make me look bad.

Kunal, what's the most overrated restaurant you've been to?

Kunal: Many are overhyped. I still find great comfort in cheap places...

Cyrus: He's lying. His newfound friends Rahul Velkar and Boman Irani are very rich. Now he eats only at seven-star restaurants with them. The Peshwa doesn't go to places like Olympia, where we used to go.

Kunal: I'm on a diet, so I can't eat all that oily food.

Cyrus: Are you Milind Soman? If you lose 5kgs you'll still look like this.

Kunal: I quit smoking a year ago and put on 10kgs.

Cyrus: How can you turn your back on Olympia's bheja masala?

Kunal: I haven't turned my back on anything! Didn't I eat kidney-liver masala at your place yesterday?

Cyrus: What's the most overrated restaurant? Answer the question.

Kunal: Lots yaar.

Okay, anything bad you've eaten, but said 'It's good' for the camera?

Kunal: In South India and Gujarat, I've eaten some highly-recommended vegetarian food that I wouldn't eat again. Unless the food is really good, it upsets me. 90 percent of hyped food turns out bad, in my experience.

(Just then, Kunal's phone rings. It's Ayesha Broacha).

Cyrus: (Puts her on speaker).

Ayesha: Kunal...

Kunal: Yeah Ayesha, I'm just doing an interview.

Ayesha: I'm damn hungry.

Cyrus: I've slept three hours, returned from Hyderabad and am coming home after earning money for the family. This is how you treat me?

Ayesha: Don't earn any money. I've hung up four paintings...

Cyrus: You'll make more money if you paint people's houses.

Ayesha: I know. Kunal sells three paintings a year. Such a terrible record.

Cyrus: (Hands over phone to Kunal) Kunal and my wife both paint. She's decent but Kunal is below average. He can't do (facial) features.

Kunal: (After hanging up) I have a problem drawing eyes, nose, lips...

Cyrus: That's everything. It's not a credible handicap for an artist.

Kunal: I'm not an artist, I just went to art school.

And Cyrus, you studied law for a year.

Cyrus: Yeah, at Government Law College. Best year of my life. Just put a newspaper on your desk, place your head on it and go to sleep.

Kunal: Then he did the next boring thing: he studied acting.

Cyrus: We also worked together in advertising (daCunha Communications). Those were the days.

Kunal: We had mutton biryani at Delhi Durbar every day for nine months.

Cyrus: I'm telling you, advertising is the most fraudulent industry.

Kunal: Man, I spent 11 years in advertising...

You must be aghast seeing all the ads these days.

Kunal: God! The problem is when budgets are high, clients don't want to take risks because the money involved is too much. And when you don't take risks, creativity dies.

Moving on from creativity to humour: do you agree that the pun is the lowest form of wit?

Kunal: Not unless you think of it first.

Cyrus: Shakespeare was the master of puns. And I don't think humour should be overanalysed. It's killing the one thing we have fun with.

(In walks TNTW senior producer Mohit Mahale)

Cyrus: Mohit here is why the Left still survives in India. We don't pay him anything. He gets lassi for me, does post-production, makes sure tapes get delivered...

Kunal: For the past 10 years, he's ordered food for Cyrus and also paid for it.

Of all the interviews you've done so far, what's the dumbest question you've ever been asked?

Cyrus: "Did you go to school?" and "How old is (former MTV VJ) Shenaz (Treasurywalla)?" And she was sitting right there.

Kunal: I'm always asked "Do you eat everything on your show?". And "How can you eat so much food?"

Cyrus: People come to me saying, "Tell your friend to stop eating."

Kunal: I also get, "You eat so much but don't look that fat."

Cyrus: Rubbish, no one's ever said that.

Kunal: But what annoys me most is people pulling my cheeks.

Cyrus: And we're not talking his face here.

Kunal: I'm 52 years old! People need to stop pulling my cheeks man.