The Serby 5.0 Mock stands ready to be mocked, but just keep in mind that even a blind squirrel sometimes finds an acorn at the top of the draft.
The excuses have been concocted — the Kelly and Michael flap was so distracting, it’s virtually impossible to concentrate while Phil Jackson conducts his search for a Knicks coach — and can be trotted out at a moment’s notice.
But here it is anyway, a pass rusher for the Giants, a run-and-chase linebacker for the Jets, no 29th pick for the Patriots because of Deflategate:
1. Rams: QB Jared Goff, California: From Golden Bear to Golden Boy. Hooray for Hollywood.
2. Eagles: QB Carson Wentz, North Dakota State: Big, strong and ultra-competitive, not even the hard-boiled fans of Philadelphia can sink the Bismarck kid … at least not until he is handed the keys to the kingdom in 2017.
3. Chargers: DE DeForest Buckner, Oregon: Philip Rivers needs a better left tackle than King Dunlap, but he also needs a defense that can keep him from playing catch-up all the time. A 6-foot-7, 291-pounder who can rush the passer and stop the run, and play outside or inside, is difficult to pass up.
4. Cowboys: CB/S Jalen Ramsey, Florida State: Emmitt Smith suggests the Boys don’t need Ezekiel Elliott, but that doesn’t mean the rest of the war room staff won’t have to bind and gag Jerry Jones so they can bolster the secondary with this versatile game-changer. Imperative to snare a pass rusher in the second round with DEs Randy Gregory and DeMarcus Lawrence serving four-game suspensions.
5. Jaguars: DE Joey Bosa, Ohio State: Maybe Myles Jack’s knee defect doesn’t scare away GM Dave Caldwell and coach Gus Bradley. But last year’s No. 1 pick, OLB Dante Fowler, missed his rookie season. Might as well team him with the draft’s best pass rusher.
6. Ravens: OT Laremy Tunsil, Mississippi: Unless Ozzie Newsome prefers Ronnie Stanley. Either way, Joe Flacco gets a bodyguard more dependable than medical question mark LT Eugene Monroe.
7. 49ers: OT Ronnie Stanley, Notre Dame: Chip Kelly’s LT of the Future and RT of the present for his unknown Quarterback of the Present.
8. Browns: RB Ezekiel Elliott, Ohio State: Everyone expects a trade down here, perhaps with Trader Mike Tannenbaum looking to get the Dolphins back into the top 10 for Elliott. Maybe Hue Jackson makes life easier on RGIII.
9. Bucs: DE Shaq Lawson, Clemson: What, pair 5-foot-9 cornerback Brent Grimes with 5-foot-10 cornerback Vernon Hargreaves III? A pass rusher, but not one named Leonard Floyd, so I can save him for the Giants.
10. Giants: OLB Leonard Floyd, Georgia: A 6-foot-6, 244-pound freak who might remind some of Barkevious Mingo, but might remind Jerry Reese of Aldon Smith. A pass-rush toy for Steve Spagnuolo who could grow into Jason Pierre-Paul’s eventual replacement. There are plenty of places to find good pasta around town.
11. Bears: LB Myles Jack, UCLA: Ryan Pace and John Fox have enough security to roll the dice on a new Monster of the Midway, knee questions be damned.
12. Saints: DT Sheldon Rankins, Louisville: A poor man’s Aaron Donald for a defense that seemingly hasn’t stopped the run since Archie Manning was last seen running for his life.
13. Dolphins: CB Vernon Hargreaves III, Florida: A plug-and-play corner is necessary opposite Byron Maxwell, even if Tom Brady is forced to miss the Sept. 18 matchup in Foxboro for. . .what was it again?
14. Raiders: ILB Reggie Ragland, Alabama: The Silver & Black conducted a private workout last week with Jack, which tells me that Jack Del Rio is looking for an inside linebacker. So what if Rolando McClain was a bust?
15. Titans: OT Jack Conklin, Michigan State: He may not have the elite feet to be the perfect pass protector for Marcus Mariota, but he’s easily Best Available Road Grader.
16. Lions: OT Taylor Decker, Ohio State: Matthew Stafford can only be a punching bag for so long, so a bookend for Riley Reiff.
17. Falcons: DE Kevin Dodd, Clemson: Most mocks have OLB Darron Lee in this spot. This isn’t most mocks. Dan Quinn needs more speed, but he also needs a bookend pass rusher for DE Vic Beasley, last year’s No. 1 draft from Clemson.
18. Colts: C Ryan Kelly, Alabama: Andrew Luck gets his own Nick Mangold, presumably without the hockey heckling.
19. Bills: DT Jarran Reed, Alabama: Rex Ryan greets war room visitor Donald Trump, who gives his trademark thumbs-up of a player who will cut his teeth as the heir apparent to Kyle Williams and breaks up the Brothers Ryan when he bellows: “This guy’s almost as big as Rosie O’Donnell!”
20 Jets: OLB Darron Lee, Ohio State: Costello talked me out of Paxton Lynch, so he gets the blame if Mike Maccagnan doesn’t opt for this athletic linebacker who would add much-needed speed to Todd Bowles’ defense.
21. Redskins: WR Laquon Treadwell, Mississippi: DeSean Jackson and Pierre Garcon are in the last year of their contracts, so why not an Anquan Boldin clone for Kirk Cousins?
22. Texans: WR Will Fuller, Notre Dame: A dynamic deep threat with 4.33 speed to complement DeAndre Hopkins for Brock Osweiler.
23. Vikings: WR Josh Doctson, TCU: Tall target who can make the acrobatic catch for Teddy Bridgewater and complement Stefon Diggs.
24. Bengals: WR Corey Coleman, Baylor: There may be questions about his route running, but not his 4.38 speed or competitiveness, and Andy Dalton needs a replacement for Marvin Jones and Mohamed Sanu.
25. Steelers: S Karl Joseph, West Virginia: Savage hitter. Mike Tomlin kind of player.
26. Seahawks: DE/DT Chris Jones, Mississippi State: A raw Muhammad Wilkerson clone to replace Brandon Mebane.
27. Packers: DT/DE A’Shawn Robinson, Alabama: Dom Capers needs a moose to replace NT B.J. Raji.
28. Chiefs: CB William Jackson III, Houston: A corner with 4.37 speed and length to replace Sean Smith.
29. Cardinals: QB Paxton Lynch, Memphis: A redshirt year, maybe two, behind Carson Palmer.
30. Panthers: CB Eli Apple, Ohio State: Josh Norman has taken his talents and his Odell Beckham Jr. voodoo doll to DC.
31. Broncos: DE Vernon Butler, Louisiana Tech: A 6-4, 323-pound Manster who also has drawn comparisons to Wilkerson to replace Malik Jackson.