The Fitz Files: Carry on with the milking

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This was published 7 years ago

The Fitz Files: Carry on with the milking

By Peter FitzSimons
Updated

Plus ca change, plus ca reste la meme chose!

Yes, the ongoing argy-bargy between the federal government and the state governments over who who gets to raise the tax, and how it should be spent continues to make headlines. But old-timers have seen it all before. As a matter of fact, a reader, Geoff Brothers, notes that – as quoted in McMillan, Evans and Storey's Australia's Constitution: Time for Change – the following ditty was found on table at the conclusion of the Premiers' Conference in 1951, when the Feds offered the states the right to tax:

If you only see one theatrical production this year, see STC's <i>King Charles III</i>.

If you only see one theatrical production this year, see STC's King Charles III.

"We thank you for the offer of a cow

But we can't milk, and so we answer now,

Illustration: Reg Lynch

Illustration: Reg Lynch

We answer in a loud resounding chorus:

Please keep the cow and do the milking for us!"

Charles in charge

If you only see one theatrical production this year, see the Sydney Theatre Company's King Charles III, which had its premiere last Saturday evening. Brilliantly conceived and executed, it looks at what might happen once Prince Charles takes the mantle of his mother, to become – and I'm not making this up – our King. It offers a plausible scenario where Charles rebels against being a rubber-stamp and all goes to hell in a handcart around him, because of it. And yet, it is not without sympathy for him, and actually delves well beneath the foolish façade we've all become accustomed to, but most of us have never bothered to examine deeper. A great production, it was even spruiked on twitter by the Australian Constitutional Monarchy League, or one of those mobs, so you know it has to be good!

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Slow motion

Is it me, or is Sydney traffic getting worse than ever? A few Fridays back I was stunned to leave the city at 4.30 pm, and only make the Wahroonga turn-off for the expressway to Newcastle, at 6.15 – a post-war record of an hour and three-quarters on a trip I have made hundreds of times to get to the family farm at Peats Ridge. And I have since noted other absurdities – an hour to get from the airport to Neutral Bay, 90 minutes to get from the CBD to Parramatta.

Joke of the week

On his way to the Masters in Georgia, Tiger Woods – who is sitting it out this year through injury – drives his Mercedes-Benz into a petrol station in south Alabama, just on the edge of a picturesque rural village.

The attendant at the pump greets him nonchalantly, completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"How y'all doin'?' says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick, cursory "Hiya" and as he bends to wipe a fleck of guff from his white golfing shoes, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket.

"What are they, son?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"Well, what are they for?" inquires the Alabama man.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.

"Well, I'll be Goddamned," says this son of the Deep South,. "Those good ole boys at Mercedes think of everything!"

They said it

"As long as you come here legally and get a proper job ... we need immigrants. Who's going to vacuum our living rooms and clean up after us? Americans don't like to do that."

Ivana Trump, affirming that her erstwhile husband, the man she famously referred to as "The Donald" is not against all immigration.

"This failure was colossal. It was nothing less than organised crime . . ."

State politician Mike Vereb, in Pennsylvania, in a letter to the United States attorney for the Western District of Pennsylvania calling for an investigation into the local Catholic diocese, under the federal Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations act, known as RICO, for its failure to act on child abuse by priests.

"I expect that from a 12-year-old bully on a playground. Not someone who wants the office held by Abraham Lincoln,"

Charlie Sykes, a conservative radio host in Milwaukee, to Republican candidate Donald Trump, after the Donald tweeted an unflattering photo of rival Senator Ted Cruz's wife.

"I think it is coming across to the public that we are a little bit wishy-washy."

Michelle Landry, Lib Nat MP for Capricornia, about her party.

"Here's a numeracy test for Mr Shorten – how are you going to pay?"

Malcolm Turnbull trying to claw back his lead in the polls.

"These polls remind me that pride comes before a fall."

Bill Shorten refusing to be excited about finally being ahead of Turnbull in a Newspoll.

"I'm not very happy about this sort of behaviour being allowed to fly and getting rewarded. The reality is, my margin speaks for itself. I've been the most popular member for Tangney that there's ever been – ever – and they stabbed me in the back for that."

Western Australian Federal MP Dennis Jenson, who has been dumped by the pre-selectors of his seat, after it transpired he had used his office in an effort to get some erotic literature he had penned a decade ago, published.

"A great sense of achievement."

Peter Dutton about having moved the final 43 children out of detention into the community, despite reports suggesting that the government had simply re-classified sections of detention centres as "community centres" in order to make the claim, and later reports that there were still two children locked up.

"Every time you see Bill Shorten's lips moving over the next three months, or however long it is to the next election, there is one consequence of it – your taxes will go up or the deficit will go up."

Scott Morrison, getting his sabre-rattling started early.

"Sare ..."

Alan Jones, addressing the visiting Duchess of York, Sarah Ferguson, in an onstage interview at the Intercontinental last Wednesday afternoon. Goodness, Alan! Just imagine knowing a ROYAL so well, you can address them by their first name! Stunning!

Twitter @Peter_Fitz

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