Lyricist, film writer and stand-up comedian Varun Grover brought just that to life during his session at India Today Conclave 2016 on Friday.
The co-creator of Aisi Taisi Democracy, Grover brought the stark difference of people’s reactions in the past 11 years to light through his comedy.
“Right now, it’s like dealing with an angry person, who’s so angry that you can’t even tell him he’s angry, because that will make him angrier!”
1.“Log mujhe aksar poochte hain ki bhai tum itne cynical kyun hoon? Main cynical issliye hoon kyunki main UP se hoon. Waise, batane waali baat nahi hai. Sirf Bihar mein jaa k kahiye ki UP se aaya hai toh unhe lagega shayad future se aaya hai koi. UP mein toh train ke toilet mein jo huggne ka mugga hota hain, use bhi chain se bandha hota hai. Toilet mein paani ka nalke pe lock lagaya hota hai. Phir bhi, jabh takk akhri station aata hain, nalka aur magga dono gayab hote hain. Issiliye main cynical hoon!”
Translation: “People often ask me why I’m so cynical. I’m cynical because I’m from UP. It’s nothing to boast of, though. It’s only when you go to Bihar that people look at you as if you’ve come from the future. In UP, even the train’s toilet’s mug is bound by chain. Even the toilet’s tap has a lock on it. Yet, by the time we reach the last station, both the things disappear. That’s why I’m so cynical!”
2.”Bachpan mein, hum eek juicer bechne waala impress karta tha, apne juicer mein ek santre se 5 cup juice nikal ke. Toh hum vo juicer khareed lete the. Jab hum ghar jaa k ek santre ka juice nikalte the, toh hum se toh ek hi cup juice nikalta tha. 2014 mein poore Bharat ne ye juicer khareed liya hai! Aur 2015 mein, Dilli ne bhi vo hi juicer khareed liya hai!”
Translation: “As a child, a juicer salesman used to impress us by squeesing out 5 cups of juice from one orange in his juicer. When we used to buy the juicer and try the same at home, we could only manage one cup of juice out of one orange. In 2014, the whole of India bought that juicer, and in 2015, Delhi also bought it!”
3.I’m an upper-class, Hindu, male-that’s the highest establishment there is in India.”Agar aap time machine se ek upper-class, Hindu aadmi ko desh ki kisi bhi sadi mein bhej dijiye,he will never be oppressed.”
Translation: “Using a time machine, if you send an upper-class Hindu male to any century in India, he will never be oppressed.”
4.My first-ever joke in 2005 was about the then PM Manmohan Singh going to the US to meet the Indian Taxi Union. “Manmohan ji said, ‘Main tumhaari kya madad kar sakta hoon, main toh khudd kisi aur ki gaadi chala raha hoon’.”
Translation: “Manmohan Singh said, “How can I possibly be of help to you? I myself an driving someone else’s car’.”
5.”I don’t thinkManmohan ji ko jhanda phalaane ke liye Laal Qila pe chadna chahiye. Unki maansik halat dekhte hue, unhe uunchaiyon se door hi rehna chahiye!”
Translation: “I don’t think Manmohan Singh should’ve gone to hoist the flag at the Red Fort. Given his mental condition, he should be made to keep away from heights.”
6.”Rahul Gandhi galti se agar pichwaade pe zeher laga le, agle din aadhi Congress mari hui paayi jayegi.”
Translation: “If by mistake Rahul Gandhi ends up rubbing poison on his bull half of Congress would be found dead the next day.”
7.”Humari country mein kisi ne beef khaaya, toh kisi aur ne uske ghar mein ghus ke uske murder kar diya. Ye hi koi videshi desh hota toh beef ki vajah se muder hone par meat ko forensic jaanch ke liye bheja jaata.”
Translation: “In our country, someone ate beef and someone else gets into his person’s house and murdered him. In abroad, had there been a murder because of beef, the meat would’ve been sent to the lab for forensic examination.”
8.”Ghode ki taang totne pe uss MLA ka defense tha, ‘Vo ghode ko paani nahi pilaya hua that oh girr gaya’. Aise toh Karva Chauth par aadha Hindustan fracture ho jaayega!”
Translation: “After treating the horse’s leg, the MLA, in his defense, said, ‘The horse hadn’t had any water so he fell.’ If this is true, then half the country will end up with fractures on Karva Chauth!”
9.”On Arnab’s (Goswami) prime-time show, they were conducting an SMS poll on whether or not India should attack Pakistan. Is this war? Are we going to decide whether to attack or not on Arnab’s show?Socho, Chief of Army Staff beth ke TV dekh rahe hain, apne logon ko phone utha ke bole, ‘Agar yes aaya toh, matlab, kya karna hai phir?’
Translation: “On Arnab’s (Goswami) primetime show, they were conducting an SMS poll on whether or not India should attack Pakistan. Is this war? Are we going to decide whether to attack or not on Arnab’s show? Just imagine the Chief of Army Staff also watch the show , called his people and ask, what if it’s a ‘yes’? What should we do?”
10.Picking up a story from children’s book, BAL Narendra, this is about childhood stories of our beloved PM, “Mr Juicer”.
* A few kids around Modi saying, Narendra ki shirt dekho, Narendra ke baal dekho-“Vo bachcha bada ho k Arun Jaitley bana.” (That kid grew up as Arun Jaitley.)
* Bache nadi kiraani mitti mein catch-catch khel rahe hain. Ball nadi mein chali jaati hain. For starters, kaise bacche hain yaar? Nadi kinaare kaun catch-catch khelta hai? Nadi mein magarmacch hain. Bal Narendra says, ‘hum le kar aayenge ball’. Arun jaitlery says okay. Magarmachhon k beech mein se Narendra ball le aate hain, aur ball hi nahi, vo saath mein ek magarmacch ka baccha bhi le aate hain! Matlab, ye kaise magarmacch hain yaar? Magarmaccha hain ya Congress?
Translation: “Kids were playing catch ball at the river-side, and the ball fall in the river. For starters, playing with ball by river side? The river has crocodiles. BAL Narendra says, ‘I’ll get the ball’. Arun Jaitley says okay so, the brave BAL Narendra goes amongst the crocodiles and gets the ball, and not only that, he gets along a baby crocodile too! I mean, what were the crocodiles doing? What sort of crocodiles are these? Are they crocodiles or Congress?”