This was published 8 years ago
Lola Berry's tips on gaining more confidence
Lola Berry glows with good health, but the nutritionist says it wasn't always this way. She turned her life around and you can too.
By Lola Berry
For years, I thought I was fat, and like many people who are self-critical and judgmental, I turned to food to make me feel better, which meant I put on more weight.
So, I'd diet and feel awesome for a bit, but then something negative would happen in my life and the weight would pile on again. This yo-yo dieting was exhausting, and staying healthy felt like an uphill battle.
Lola Berry says positive self-talk helped her stay a healthy weight and become more confident.
Then, one day I thought, 'You know what? I'm a healthy and fit girl!' And then every time my mind would try to say, 'I'm fat', I would consciously replace it with, 'I'm healthy and fit'. This took a lot of practice, and mindfulness really helped, but once I understood the power of positive self-talk, I've never looked back.
The turning point for me was realising my personal responsibility, that it was all up to me.
The Happy Life: Delicious recipes and a heartfelt guide to wellness, is Lola Berry's new book.
I had to make a choice: "Today I choose to be kind to my body." I know that makes it sound simple, but it's not. It's an ongoing process. Every day I choose to nurture my body and soul. Of course, even now, some days are a struggle.
If I'm feeling low, it can take great discipline to steer myself away from sweet food, or if I'm really tired after work, to make myself go to the gym. But every time I choose a nurturing action, it becomes a little easier. And it will work this way for you, too.
Just don't be so hard on yourself if you slip up. It's OK to make crappy choices now and again. Just know that you can begin now.
If you want to be the fittest, healthiest version of you, then honour yourself on every level. Nothing changes until you change your mindset, until you trust yourself and let go of what other people think of you.
One little trick to use is to start each day with a positive affirmation like, "I am going to make this day amazing!" Just say it to yourself, no one else needs to know about it – and then go on your merry way. If something tough comes up, remember that you promised yourself today would be amazing. So don't let yourself down.
Every morning, I tell myself that I'm going to show up and give it my very best, whatever happens. It reminds me that I can't control everything that happens to me, but I can control how I respond.
Assertiveness
Confident people are also assertive. They are comfortable expressing their opinions without dominating the conversation and will speak up when they know something is not right. They're not rude or aggressive; they simply believe that their opinion is just as important as everyone else's. And it is!
Nothing changes until you change your mindset, until you trust yourself and let go of what other people think of you.
That said, assertiveness has always been tricky for me. I love to deliver my best and keep everyone happy, so if something doesn't feel right, I find it challenging to speak up because I don't like conflict. But the reality is you don't grow from being comfortable – you grow from getting outside your comfort zone.
The old saying, "You can't please all of the people all of the time" (or even some of the time) is pretty accurate. First of all, there will be lots of people who will not like you no matter what you do. It's the same for all of us. And you might not like them, either, so don't worry about them. This doesn't mean you have to be mean to them; just don't go out of your way to please them.
Meanwhile, the people who do care (your real friends and your family) are quietly waiting for you to assert yourself. Honestly, each time you speak to them, they are probably wishing that you'd tell them what you really think! And yes, other people might get their feathers ruffled when you speak up, but that's their problem, not yours.
You are a valuable person and trying to shrink yourself down so that you don't offend people doesn't help anyone, least of all you. People will respect you more if you assert yourself. As the saying goes, 'Speak the truth, even if your voice shakes'.
Tips on being more assertive
If you feel uncomfortable expressing your opinions and sharing your ideas, lean into that feeling. It's normal. Know that you'll be OK.
Stop apologising. It actually makes the other person feel uncomfortable, and if you do it a lot, they're probably also going to get annoyed with you. If someone asks you for a "favour" and you don't want to do it, simply say, "I'm sorry, no". Or if you are genuinely not sure, give yourself some time to reflect and say, "Let me think about it, and I'll get back to you".
Keep your answer short and simple – you don't have to give a detailed explanation. You are a worthwhile human being with a right to express your own views and to take care of your own needs. If the person insists on an explanation or is angry, then you'll know you've dodged a bullet!
Practise saying "no" in front of a mirror. Say it clearly and evenly – not in an aggressive tone, or in a timid, questioning tone. After you've got used to saying it, try it in a real situation where the stakes are not too high (for example, when you and your friends are deciding on which movie to see on the weekend).
Extract from The Happy Life: Delicious recipes and a heartfelt guide to wellness, by Lola Berry. Plum, $34.99.