Miriam Lord’s Week: Lucky escape as FG poster is liquidated

Fine Gael very kindly left copies of its canvassing guide lying around at its ardfheis last weekend. They were instantly devoured by a grateful media, although the tips contained within its covers weren’t much more than a rundown of the obvious. There were lists of “Canvassing Do’s [sic]” and “Canvassing Don’ts” and stock lines and key phrases for use on the doorstep.

Besides the handy guide, there was a session on general election strategy. This was closed to the media.

It was conducted by director of elections Brian Hayes MEP; Minister for Justice Frances Fitzgerald, who chairs the national strategy committee; deputy leader James Reilly; and long-time strategist Mark Mortell, an international PR high-flier who is one of the Taoiseach’s closest advisers.

The meeting was packed, with more than 300 politicians and grassroots members in attendance. Digital slides were shown on screens around the room. The top table explained the finer points of Fine Gael’s election master plan and spoke about the campaign posters and literature they wanted to use.

The meeting clipped along nicely. Finally, after a big build-up, Brian Hayes declared that THE poster was ready. Yes indeed, he was about to unveil the image of Enda Kenny that will grace thousands of lampposts and poles around the country.

The members leaned forward in anticipation. Hayes bustled about like a magician’s assistant before pressing the button to make the big reveal.

“And now,” he quivered, “we have the leader’s poster.”

And there it was.

Up on the screen.

Tah-dah!

There was a brief, stunned, silence. Then audible gasps from the floor.

“Aaaaaargh!”

The crowd recoiled in horror. “Aaaaaargh!”

The MEP looked to the Minister for Justice, who looked to the Minister for Children, who looked to Mark Mortell. Speechless. Then they looked at the footsoldiers, rooted to their seats with the shock.

Finally, Hayes managed to say something.

“Do you not like it?” he squeaked.

From the body of the room, and to general approval, a woman shouted: “Yis’ll have to change that, lads!”

“That’s it, we’re stuck with it,” said Hayes, in a wan attempt at levity.

Opinions were sought from the floor. A member of young Fine Gael from Tipperary didn’t mince his words.

“We’ve been known for our capacity to put our foot in it, but this will go down as one of our greatest own goals,” he declared, to loud applause.

Hayes turned to Fitzgerald. “We might have to take a look at it again.”

James Reilly, with quiet understatement, murmured: “We note the views of the floor.”

We haven’t seen the offending photo. It has been liquidated. But there are descriptions.

We are discounting the one that started: “Do you know the Turin Shroud? Well . . .”

Kenny is wearing a shirt and tie, but no jacket. He is grinning like a man possessed, his eyes so scrunched up you can hardly see them at all.

“I couldn’t tell whether he was angry or constipated,” a traumatised delegate told us. “I found it a bit sinister and he has such a lovely smile normally.”

The best most could say was “it’s different” and “it was, eh, very natural”.

The line doing the rounds at the ardfheis was that the picture of Kenny used by Fianna Fáil on their “attack” billboard was far better than the one selected by Fine Gael.

At least the election team can congratulate themselves on running the dodgy poster past their most interested focus group. We understand they didn’t choose the image. They’ve had a lucky escape.

Gilmore learns how not to labour the macarena

Anything happening these days with the former tánaiste?

Life can be difficult for senior government politicians who find themselves suddenly exiled to the back benches – out of the loop and with a lot of time on their hands.

Eamon Gilmore didn’t let the grass grow under his feet. He produced a memoir chronicling his experiences at the top level of Irish politics. What was it called? Inside the Room (But Behind the Door), or something like that.

The book came out in good time for Christmas, which left poor Eamon at a loose end again.

So we are delighted to learn that he has taken up a hobby.

Dancing.

He’s a natural.

The former minister for foreign affairs must have felt his globe-trotting days were behind him when Joan Burton ousted him from the leadership of the Labour Party in 2014. But, as our heart-warming photograph shows, his talented feet are taking him to some very exotic places.

Latin American specialist Gilmore has evolved into a Latin American specialist. He has the look of a man who enjoys a nice bit of rhumba. Apparently his cha-cha-cha is the talk of Shankill.

Eamon has also developed a new dance: the Gilmorengue (pronounced “morengay”) is an exciting fusion of the lambada and the walls of Limerick.

And here we see him in all his terpsichorean glory, giving lessons in the Gilmorengue to two overjoyed ladies at a sunny location which could either be Dún Laoghaire pier or a farm in South America.

When he isn’t working on his moves, Eamon is European Union envoy to the peace process in Colombia. He is overseeing EU-supported peace initiatives between the Colombian government, paramilitary groups and guerrilla forces. Last Saturday, he was shaking his booty to traditional music at a farm in Caloto, where Brussels is funding agriculture and landmine-clearance projects.

Presumably he’ll be dancing on the doorsteps in the coming weeks.

In the meantime, with any luck, he might give us an exhibition in Mullingar tonight at Labour’s annual conference.

Labour’s two other former leaders and retirees, Rúairí Quinn and Pat Rabbitte, could salsa in solidarity with him on the platform. It would certainly boost the viewing figures. Joan would be delighted to see them.

Enda lacks ground control

Earth calling Enda: a theme is already emerging from the Taoiseach’s campaign speeches.

He was at a pep rally in Killarney on Thursday night, firing up the troops with some galvanising words.

“Ignition sequence begins,” he hollered. “It has not begun yet but we are getting close to it.”

He waxed lyrical about launches and lift-offs in Cape Canaveral in days gone by, which he watched on the old black-and-white television.

He was at it again yesterday, when he visited the constituency of Limerick County and Adare’s Woodlands House Hotel to launch the campaign of sitting TD Patrick O’Donovan and his running mate, Tom Neville. Neville is older than O’Donovan but, because he is the son of retiring TD Dan Neville, is known as “Young Tom”.

Enda arrived, punching the air and making shapes before barging in on a roomful of players at a bridge congress.

When he got to the podium he did the ignition sequence for his adoring supporters and returned to memories of Cape Canaveral. He asked them to help O’Donovan and Neville get lift-off on the election trail.

As he had done the night before in Kerry, there were numerous references to Star Wars and the Skelligs and Fine Gael’s troops giving their all in a stellar battle.

Alas, the Taoiseach had to leave before his campaign capsule could rendezvous with an orbiting wedding. A local explained: “He had to go off to announce a big ball of money in Limerick.”