Sindhi Papad, writes Twinkle Khanna

Dear Editor,

This is Vaishali Dadlani again, I last wrote to you, asking if you would be interested in my new business venture where we hire out protestors for various causes. You did not respond, but it’s fine because I have dropped that idea now.

Last week, fed up of Pappu Makhija, my next-door neighbour’s constant Talat Aziz-type of ghazals played at 2000 decibels, I told the building children that I will give them a packet of Marie biscuit if they stand in the compound with the sign I have made, saying, ‘Makkhi Makhija’s music sucks!’

I was watching from the balcony and it was going well. Pappu Makhija must have also seen the sign because he put off his music. I waved at the children and gave them a thumbs-up, but suddenly I saw Pappu crossing the garden, holding six Cadburys and as soon as he spoke to the idiot children, they — the traitors — started pointing at me!

I can’t tell you how much trouble there was and Sunoji (I told you before, I call my husband that because I don’t like his name, Ranjeet... like that olden-day movie villain), was very angry and Mummyji who was in her room, preparing a lecture to bore her students at the college with some more of her gyaan, came out and said ‘Vaishu, you play your Bollywood dance songs equally loud and we tolerate it. When you examine things carefully, you will realise that everyone is doing the same dance, it’s just the tune that is different.’

Anyway, to cut a long story (about Pappu Makhija, complaints to the society chairman and a thousand apologies), short, let’s just say that I have now dropped the ‘Let’s protest’ business plan.

So, the reason I am writing to you this month is because I want to start a new venture and I wonder if you could help me by printing a few articles and giving me publicity, so I can build up my clientele.

I have decided to become a Sindhi wedding consultant. This is for two reasons:

1. Because, of course, I am a pure Sindhi. Even before my marriage, I had an A-grade surname — Nihalani ending with ‘ni’ — and not these wannabe Sindhi surnames like Makhija and all.
2. After beloing enough papads, I have realised that this is a big money-making venture.

See, there are simple rules to function in Sindhi society, but people can get confused so that’s the time I step in and give them a few tips and also a bill for the same. I have many useful suggestions in my magic box all with cool taglines like:

* Mirror Mirror, on the wall, who is the glitziest of us all?
* Once you are ready for a Sindhi wedding, switch off all your lights. In the darkness, if you can’t be seen in the glow of all your bling, you are really not ready at all.

But I don’t want to reveal all my tricks because then no one will hire me. They will just print out this letter and pass it along with innovative recipes of sai bhaji.

Please do spread the word and wish me success and… uff... I will be right back, I can hear the bloody dog barking and now, I have to go and spray deodorant on my main door. Ever since my protest backfired, Pappu Makhija’s dreadful wife has been tormenting me by making her dog urinate at my very doorstep. I told Mummyji about her and said, ‘Mummyji, you know that famous Sindhi saying: Jedo uth tedo lodo (the bigger the camel, the bigger the jerks it experiences). It sounds so X-rated but you, of course, know what it really means; one should not get all high and mighty because the fall is even harder and that Mrs Makhija is a big camel, alright.’

I don’t know why I bother talking to Mummyji, she is so spaced out sometimes because she replied, ‘Beta, everyone thinks the camel is standing in front of them instead of inside them.’

Anyway, I have to end this letter now, because we are all going to my Chacha’s house for tea.

I don’t know what qualities they are looking for in the brand ambassador for Incredible India since they have removed Aamir Khan; but if sanskar and all are the main criteria, then I vote for my Chacha.

He has even registered ‘Sanskari’ as the title of his next movie.

So along with advertising my wedding consultancy, can you also have a write-up saying ‘Censor Board Chief for brand ambassador of Incredible India’?

Big hug,
Vaishali Dadlani
Not related to Vishal Dadlani
Sindhis rock!
Pali Hill resident