JOIN USSome returns on investment are intangible. In the coming year, Vimla Patil urges you to forego expectations from close pals and reap a lifetime of incredible benefits
In India’s religious and cultural history, there are several unique examples of friendships and dedicated relationships, which are described as nirapeksha or ‘without any expectations’.
A wonderful example is that of Krishna and his childhood friend Sudama — one a king and the other a poor villager — who shared a beautiful bond of love and loyalty.
Their devotion and respect for each other is in no way hampered by the huge social and economic chasm between them. Similarly, the relationship of Radha, a milkmaid in Gokul and Krishna, the divine incarnation, has been celebrated in art, music and dance for centuries in India.
Radha is in no way related to Krishna and in fact, after he leaves his home in Gokul, he probably never sees her again. But they have been worshipped in innumerable temples and poets and artists have even turned their relationship into a ‘romance’.
Building blocks
These are ancient fables, but their essence remains as fresh today as it was centuries ago. Friendships or close relationships, where there is a strong bond of unshakable goodwill and service with no expectations light up our lives and make us better people.
But how do we build such relationships? What qualities do we need to make our friendships strong, genuine, joyful and rewarding?
Our culture reminds us everyday that we are made for the world, but that the world is not made for our personal benefit or pleasure. So, arrogance and ruthlessness in any relationship are taboo.
Human society is based on tribes, groups or families living together. Therefore, no one can lead a solitary or lonely life unless it is voluntarily chosen or inevitable. All of us need people — be it family, friends, colleagues or just acquaintances — because our world often exists through all people who come into our lives.
Exchanging ideas, thoughts and feelings is an intrinsic part of our lives and so we inevitably need people to enlarge and colour the horizon of our lives. History records that we lived as tribes travelling and living in communities.
Birth, marriage, parenthood — all these are causes of joy as well as conflict as human society has learnt over the millennia to maintain a ‘group spirit’ in spite of differences of all kinds. This proves that we need each other to live fulfilled lives and we should be aware of the value of close relationships and friendships and regard them as treasures of our lives.
What is the cornerstone of a genuine relationship? Many would say, honesty. If you feel the need to boast about your wealth or whine about your poverty and put up false fronts, then the relationship is far from honest. A deep relationship or close friendship is not for public display. True relationships are direct, fearless, open and non-judgemental.
However, honesty does not mean being a fault-finder who puts friends and close ones down or cuts them to size. Sadly, most conversations in the present social scenario are ‘just for the sake of keeping up appearances’. But close, trusted friendships do not work like this. Trust and confidence are the foundation of good relationships.
When we use the word ‘affection’ or ‘love’, we must do so with sincerity. It’s good to remember that closeness cannot result from ‘hi-bye’ meetings. We need long quiet hours — or even days — to get to know each other well.
When the going gets tough, who are the folks who’ll stand by you? Who’ll do the gentle probing, questioning with sympathy and a non-critical attitude. As much talking is important, good listening is a valuable skill in building lasting relationships.
Being there
With close friends and loved ones, there needn’t be any secrets. You know that you can hurt each other and have the need not to do so. Protecting each other from hurt of any kind becomes the anthem of such relationships. There is a quality of peace to the relationship.
To be a good friend, we need to ask ourselves: How can I help or be of service to the other person? This could be difficult in the beginning as people tend to hold back their problems for fear of divulging personal details. So, it’s best to make an offer of help as is fit.
Arguments and fights are inevitable in any relationship. But a strong bond always wins in the end. Being open to hurt and anger is a sterling ingredient of a truly close bond.
If we achieve this strength in our relationships, we will not be scared to share our fears and insecurities. But also remember to share your ambitions, future dreams, secret wishes and all those aspects of life that take us closer to each other.
Every relationship is a two-way street. So, we need to create trust to ensure that the other person also feels comfortable to share his or her aspirations with us.
Finally, we must acknowledge that there is no divine gift higher than a close bond with friends or loved ones and work hard to achieve this magic in our lives.