By Tegan Higginbotham
As we come down from the highs and the lows of the grand final, and the disappointment that West Coast didn't summon Gandalf the Grey on an actual flying Eagle to help them over the finishing line, it's time to reflect on the week that was. Let's face it, grand final week is never dull.
CHICKING TIME BOMB
Daniel Chick made an unexpected appearance during the week.Credit: John Donegan
The lead-up to the AFL's big day was a peculiar one indeed. Made no less so by the return of Daniel Chick, who appeared in the papers on Thursday like a long-lost relative that unfortunately still knows where you live, "Oh look, kids! It's Uncle Chick. Yes, the one that got arrested. No, no, don't hug him". I think comedian and West Coast fan James Masters summed things up well when he said, "The only new thing we learned about Daniel Chick this morning is that now he looks like Mickey Rourke".
BUT WAIT ...
We also had the AFL's awkward Brownlow faux pas, which left us wondering if somewhere there's some tragic warehouse filled with Sam Mitchell 2015 Brownlow memorabilia, right next to a stack of "Buzz Aldrin, First Man On The Moon" collectable mugs. On Thursday, the AFL jumped the gun yet again when they all but announced that John Worsfold would coach Essendon, while the Dons themselves were still trying to ascertain whether moving from their own drug scandal to an Eagles drug scandal was the best way forward. What's the old saying? Out of the pot, into the pipe? I checked Friday morning to see if the AFL had capped things off with a trifecta, but was pleased to find that no, they hadn't declared the winner of the grand final. That said, they did announced that Bernie Sanders is going to be the next president of the United States, so that's nice.
NAT FYFE
Speaking of the Brownlow, I think it's safe to say that practically everyone was happy to see it go to Nat Fyfe (Except Anthony Mundine, who posted a statement on Facebook saying it probably should have gone to him and Tony Abbott, who was so sure he had the numbers). But seriously, how good is Nat Thighs? I mean Fyfe! Nat Fyfe. Why would anyone be thinking about his thighs?
For some this week, the most exciting thing to happen in Australia was the arrival of troubled pop star Justin Bieber. But I'm of the opinion that if Nat Fyfe released an album, his fans would far outdo the "Beliebers". I can see it now: A bunch of teenage girls screaming at the front of the stage alongside a teary Bruce McAvaney who's wearing a crop-top with Nat's face on it. In front of them, Fyfe blasts out his latest hit, "You can break my leg but don't break my heart", his oiled thighs glittering under the stage lights … OK, I'll take a breath now.
ANOTHER BLUES' MILESTONE
Carlton celebrated 20 years since their last grand final win. No jokes here. Just genuine sadness.
NORTH BREAKFAST, SOUTH OF THE RIVER
In the same way that it wouldn't be Christmas without the usual Carols by Candle Light featuring everyone's favourite, Rob Mills; It wouldn't be grand final day without the North Melbourne Grand Final Breakfast featuring … yep, Rob Mills. Although the Melbourne Convention Centre was by far warmer than the previous setting on the grounds of Etihad, one couldn't help but feel that James Brayshaw's welcome was a little frosty, having watched his team come so close to the final's themselves. Even Drew Petrie admitted that he'd like not to have to come to the breakfast next year. Probably because he'd like to be playing. But maybe because the sausages weren't great.
As always, the breakfast serves as an opportunity for our entertainment and political elite to bestow upon us such pearls of wisdom as, "Whoever plays better on the day will probably win". You don't say? However, this year's event took a strange turn when nearly everyone shunned the typical speech format and opted for stand-up comedy instead. No one managed this better than Gillon McLachlan, who's suggestion that the Liberals should introduce and interchange cap was just one of many good jokes on his part. And in case you're interested, Shorten was funnier than Turnbull. Who would have thunk it?
Speaking of comedians, the event was capped off with a fine performance by Marty Fields, Lawrence Mooney and Dave Thornton, who'd probably all agree that despite having to perform in the early hours of the morning, they were still better off than Mick Molloy who had to face the Brownlow audience on Monday night right after a moving tribute to Phil Walsh. That's right, they had a memorial for Phil Walsh … then brought on a comedian. "Are you ready to laugh!?"
GENDER, POLITICS AND FOOTBALL
It's been a momentous year for women's football across all codes. In the AFL, we had the first live televised broadcast and the promise of a National League in 2017. And it's worth noting that in women's soccer, a pay rise will now see the players granted a heady minimum wage. If they keep going like this, in a few years' time the Matildas might very well be hundredaires!
This year's AFL Woman of the Year recipient, Jan Cooper, said when accepting her award on Tuesday at the Essendon Comedy Debate, "This has taken hundreds of people a hundred years to get to this point where females are accepted and can aspire to be in any role they want to be in our code". If only this message had been echoed by our new PM, who opened his speech at the Grand Final Breakfast by stating that it was a day "when every little boy imagines he's out there flying hard for a mark". Trust me, girls dream of playing in front of huge crowds too. In fact, Malcolm Turnbull needed only look to his left to see one particular female in the shape of Julie Bishop who has long had eyes on the bigger and better things. Because just like Fremantle, Malcolm Turnbull may have topped the ladder this year. But why do I feel like it won't last another season?
THE WATCHMAN
3 minutes to midnight for... a six-year contract for Ross Lyon
After another near-miss, the Fremantle coach must know that time's a wasting.
LOCAL HERO
Representing the hopes for a next generation of Socceroos heroes, Australia's under-17 team, the Joeys, fly to Chile this week for the 2015 FIFA U-17 World Cup. Head coach Tony Vidmar has selected a 21-player squad to take on Germany, Argentina, and Mexico. Thirteen of the players are from the FFA Centre of Excellence squad based in Canberra, four are overseas-based players, three from the A-League and one unattached player. "We will be throwing everything at our opponents in the group stage to give us the best possible chance to progress," Vidmar said.
NUMBERS UP
18 years old and now Formula One driver Max Verstappen is officially permitted to drive on the road after passing his driving test in Belgium. At 17 he was the youngest ever driver to race in F1.
14 Grands Prix for 32 points so far for the Dutch driver, who until Wednesday was unable to drive legally on public roads. Fourth in the Hungary Grand Prix is Verstappen's best result so far, where he was less than 20 seconds off a podium place.