Those things we do in hiding

The no-nos. We are living in an age where there is an irresistible charm in things that are taboo. It is not that they are out of reach – these taboo things – or that they are impossible to do. While talking to couples, at least one in three will mention cheating on a spouse as the worst thing that can happen to a relationship. However, there are many forbidden habits that come naturally to some people. Within the confines of a relationship, one must hide the illicit pleasure they get to avoid the shame that comes with being caught. Gillian Nantume writes.

LUSTING AFTER IN-LAWS

It is normal to appreciate beauty. That is how Nina Birungi, a 28-year-old hairdresser, explains her feelings for her boyfriend’s brother: “That man is handsome,” she says. “Your heart can melt when he looks at you. I can’t explain what I feel but we are close.”
Her customers tease her that she is in love with her ‘in-law’ which she loudly denies.
“He is not my brother, so I can have a crush on him,” she later concedes.
In-laws are supposed to be off-limits. But that is what makes them even more attractive to some people. Stories abound of men who have had affairs with their wives’ siblings. Some of these relationships have resulted in children.
More shockingly, perhaps, are fathers-in-law, who fall in love with their sons’ wives.

SMOKING SECRETLY

Secret smokers always have tell-tale signs, so it is almost futile trying to hide this habit. The sight of a woman smoking in a bar counter is no longer shocking.
But what if that woman was your wife of 20-something years?
“I learnt how to smoke in Nairobi where I met new friends who influenced me,” says Rose Onyona, an office administrator.
“It is now five years since and on average I smoke a pack of cigarettes a day. After each cigarette, I squeeze the juice from a tiny lemon into my hands and rub them. I also chew raw lemons when I am driving home.”
Her husband has never once suspected that she smokes – not even when she suddenly dropped about 10kgs.

NOT TAKING THE LEAD

Society has nurtured us into the belief that a man must take charge in the home. But sometimes, little things like bulbs can overturn this notion.
“The sitting room bulb blew while we were having supper,” says Jovia Ibira, who has been married for three years. “My husband witnessed this incident.”
Two weeks later, the old bulb was still in the socket. Jovia had to leave the bedroom door open so that its light could illuminate the sitting room. “That is when I learnt that my husband did not know how to change a bulb,” she says, still in wonder about the incident.
“I did not know how to change one either. Luckily, my brother agreed to come and help. But this whole event changed my outlook on marriage. I have learnt how to repair a few things at home.”
For Joel Mafabi‘s parents, the situation went deeper than a bulb. After 20 years of both his parents working, the family was still living in a rented house.
“They both had good jobs but my father was reluctant to buy a piece of land in town. He wanted to build his home in the village; which he eventually did. Our mother saved her money and built a house, with rentals.”
Mafabi‘s father collects rent from the rentals and from the commercial house their mother put up in Soroti Town as well. He makes decisions on how the money should be spent.

THE GREEDY SPOUSE

There are things that childbearing does to a woman’s body. It can become stubborn when it comes to weight loss exercises and dieting techniques.
Gone are the days when a banana and dry tea made up breakfast for Alice, a housewife.
If she was to weigh the amount of food she eats in a day, she would be shocked.
“I feel ashamed. My husband is not comfortable with my stomach. It is too big. When we are together, I eat very little, and blame the weight on my genes.”
For breakfast, Alice takes bushera (millet porridge) with buttered bread. Mid-morning finds her with a mug of milk tea and katogo. For lunch, it is a mixture of local food with beef.
At around 5pm, it is another cup of porridge and a cob of maize, and then afterwards, a full meal at supper. With two children, she weighs 120kg, on a 5ft. frame. Before giving birth, she weighed 62kg.
Not only women struggle with secret eating habits, however.
When Hamidu Kyeyune, a taxi driver, feels like treating himself to a piece of chicken he hangs around the trading centre after he has parked his taxi for the night.
He caught my attention because it is strange to see a man sitting next to the sigiri enjoying a meal.
“I have six children and other relatives at home. If we are to eat chicken, I have to buy two at Shs15,000 each. That is too much money to spend on sauce for one meal.”
The two pieces of chicken he is eating cost Shs7,000, he tells me, as he swigs a 500ml bottle of Coca-Cola.

COMPARING YOUR PARTNER TO A PHANTOM

When people enter into long-term relationships, they already have imaginary partners whom they have lived with for years.
“From the romance novels I read in my teenage years, I formed my ideal husband,” says Irene Kibuuka, a trainee teacher at a prestigious girls’ secondary school.
“When I got married, the fantasies disappeared for a while, but they came back. Every time my real husband does something I do not like, I think about my fantasy man doing it better.”
In her fantasies, this man is always madly in love with her, he buys her expensive gifts, and treats her like a goddess – something her real husband does not know how to do.

Counsellor says > Jovia Busingye, Nkumba Counselling Services

Every one of us has habits that our spouses discover after a few months of living together. In the beginning, they are ready to tolerate this behaviour but as time goes not, they may become intolerant. Some of this behaviour does not necessarily mean that your spouse will leave you, if you are found out. For instance, it is not common to find a couple that separated because of the eating habits of one of them. The main thing in a relationship is communication. Sometimes the burden of guilt is too much to carry alone especially if you are willing to drop these secret habits. Share the burden with your partner and indicate your willingness to change. Ask for their help and advice. Fighting a problem together strengthens the love of a couple.