Next level indeed
Nigerians devise new way to launder money: swallow dollars!
Some years back, gonorrhea was seen as a disease of the famous in the country. At least that was the way those selling what they regarded as its cure in Molue buses used to advertise the product/s. The reason why the disease was so regarded probably has to do with the temptations that come with fame, some of which are irresistible. Attraction to the opposite sex ranks high. Since the idea of asking people to zip up was not yet common then, chances of people contracting gonorrhea and other sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) were very high. What the gonorrhea cure vendors were saying in essence is that should someone who is not too famous contract the disease, he or she had nothing to be ashamed of. He or she should just walk into any hospital or contact the local drug seller for solution. Today, despite the avalanche of churches and mosques, as well as all manner of campaign asking people to refrain from premarital sex, or have at most one sexual partner if they cannot flee from it, we have many cases of STDs
Just as these STDs used to be the disease of the famous; so was money laundering, at least in Nigeria. Mere mortals could not have engaged in it because the stakes were usually high. Hence, it was usually heads of state, governors, ministers, etc. that engaged in money laundering. Some of them, including highly placed Nigerians, have had their days in jail abroad for engaging in it. But what we hear these days is that because some of those countries that they used to stash the money (usually ill-gotten wealth) have tightened the noose on them due to fears that such monies could be used for terrorism or drug-related matters, these rich Nigerians have now devised a way to beat the new measures. They are now said to be ‘warehousing’ those monies in buildings that they constructed specifically for that purpose. If this is true, then it is only a matter of time for us to be led into the new tricks of our big thieves.
But, just as our big men are trying to find a haven for their ill-gotten wealth, some not-too-rich Nigerians came up with their own version of money laundering. According to reports, the National Drug Law Enforcement Agency’s (NDLEA) Joint Task Force (JTF) team has smashed a money laundering syndicate of six at a hotel on Airport Road, Ikeja, Lagos. They allegedly swallowed $156,000 cash in a money laundering bid.
What we were used to are stories about people swallowing hard drugs with the intention of taking them abroad to sell. Even when that started, it was strange to the rest of us who could never in our wild imagination have thought it possible or practicable for human beings to swallow hard drugs with the intention of excreting it later for monetary gains. That practice apparently is still very much with us as the law enforcers keep making arrests that are widely reported in the media. But with advancement in science and technology, it was only a matter of time for the appropriate machines to be developed to catch up with such characters. Of recent, security agents have begun to arrest people with suspicious huge foreign currencies at our airports, with the aim of exporting such huge sums contrary to the law. Again, this seems not to be enough. But, like the Abiku (Ogbanje) and his mother who continue to engage one another in a battle of wits, those bent on making money, no matter how, have continued to deploy their God-given talent for even more sinister purposes. Given this new dimension, it would seem killing for ritual purposes too would soon be on the decline because many of those in the act are also being caught. Perhaps these are the reasons that made some other people come up with the idea of swallowing cash.
Nigerians may not be the only nationals harbouring all manner of criminals, local and international, but we should hardly be surprised when our people are subjected to extraordinary frisking by security agents abroad because, if we have lost our own capability to be shocked, we should not expect others to be like us; and when they don’t, we should not be crying foul as if we do not know the extent some of us can go to get rich quick. It beats my imagination that people could be as ingenious as to even contemplate swallowing money. An equally baffled online commentator appropriately tagged it “Next Level Money Laundering”. I doubt if there could have been a better headline for the report.
I wrote on this same page that for everything that God or man has made, there is always an adulterated version. When we talk about money laundering, it was not something for the hoi polloi; it was and remains a crime committed by the rich and mighty. But the poor who want to do what the rich do but could not muster the huge amounts the rich launder allegedly came together, with six of them trying to export $156,000. Even at a generous exchange rate of N220 to a dollar, the total amount is N34.3 million. Is this sufficient for six men to take the risk of swallowing cash? Many of those who swallowed drugs died in the process; just as many who are crossing over to Europe from Africa in search of the elusive better life. Yet, none of these is sufficient to deter others from doing same. Swallow cash? This sure, is more than next level in need. It smells more of next level indeed.
The Nwosus, the police and jurisdiction
Even as the full and final report of what actually led to the abduction, on Monday, of Toyin, wife of the Deputy Managing Director of The Sun, Steve Nwosu, is yet to be released, one thing that has come out of it is the question of jurisdiction. According to report, when the marauders got to the Nwosus’ house, the husband placed calls through to the ‘Area E’ Division of the Nigeria Police Force in Amuwo-Odofin, Lagos, but they did not respond on time because, according to them, the street where the Nwosus live is under Okota Police Division, which is outside their jurisdiction. I am not a policeman and therefore do not know how these things work. But I guess the divisions were created for administrative convenience and should therefore facilitate, rather than hinder efficiency. The Fire Brigade is a good example. When there is a fire incident, and you call the appropriate emergency numbers, fire fighters from as many as three fire stations could meet at the scene and collaborate to put out the fire. That, I think, should be the model. The police authorities could look at the issue again if that, strictly speaking, is not what obtains now.
It is gratifying that Mrs Nwosu was released at about 2.20 a.m. on Thursday. But the family might have been saved the agony if the police division initially contacted had responded swiftly.