Bengaluru: Do the 35,000 odd Bengalureans, who have signed up for Ashley Madison, a website for married people seeking relationships, reflect the presence of a new trend? Experts agree that infidelity was always there, internet or no internet, often leading to break-up of marriages. Joyeeta Chakravorty and Darshana Ramdev speak to eminent mental health professionals, technology experts and the cyber crime cell to understand infidelity, role of internet and security available to people who log onto these sites
The internet has led to a generation of informed citizens, who have everything available at the touch of a button. Instincts have received a new outlet, one that promises secrecy and the earth, so to speak. Marriages and relationships are faced with a new challenge — communication is easier than ever before and the risk involved doesn’t seem too bad for most people. “My husband had registered on an online dating site and was having an affair. I had no idea bout this until I found his login details and confronted him,” says 31-year-old Keerthi (name changed) who works in an MNC in the city. She added that when her husband admitted to having cheated on her, she decided to leave him.
Another curious story is shared by a 25-year-old content writer from Bengaluru, whose boyfriend of three years has been on Tinder without her knowledge. "I was shocked to see him on Tinder. My friend showed me actually," says the 25-year-old who has been thinking of marrying him. After this revelation, however, she isn't so sure.
"It is a grave issue, but smartphones and the internet are not the only cause. Commitment is no longer what it used to be and people enter relationships with an ease that never existed before the internet came into play," says Dr Anand Jayaraman, Consultant Psychiatrist, Vikram Hospital. "Unimagined boundaries are being explored now because of the virtual world and IT city seems to use that smartness for both good and bad things," says Dr Diwakar Goutham, Consultant, Psychiatry and clinical psychology, Narayana Health City.
"There is liberalisation of the relationship module. You see an increasing number of broken marriages or short-lived relationships and moving on is not as earth-shattering as it used to be," adds Dr Anand who has had several cases of clients telling him that they are in an extra marital affair that they want to continue. For some people their extra marital affair has all the elements that their marriage appears to lack. They have no qualms about finding someone new and neither do they want to end things with their spouse," said Dr Jayaraman.
Dr Anand explains the psychology of adultery, saying, “it is a personal choice. It is a complex social problem which cannot be exactly linked to anything but people should realise that secure marriages are being threatened because of this. The ideal family concept does not exist anymore and couples have their own definition of marriage." Dr Diwakar sums up, "people should realise the impact it is going to have on their personal life and it should restrict them otherwise there is no solution to such a conundrum."
Adulterer gets net cover
Does Bengaluru’s overwhelming presence on the infidelity website Ashley Madison point to a larger trend? Over 16000 registered, paying members from the city, now face the risk of being exposed. Is infidelity on the rise due to social media or is it as old as the institution of marriage itself? Will clamping down on websites that encourage sexual encounters and infidelity actually curb the trend?
The webpage of Ashley Madison
“Sigmund Freud talked about human instincts through the ego and the superego. The ego handles the instincts, human beings are always looking for gratification. The superego holds you back, but at some point in our lives, this defense weakens," said Dr Chandrashekar, the Head of the Psychiatry Department at Bangalore Medical College. "The internet assures people of confidentiality and therefore, more and more want to give infidelity a go." Even so, adultery will continue regardless of censorship on the internet, if there is any. "You cannot control these things. Extra marital affairs will continue, even though such relationships can jeopardise families and destroy marriages. Despite the consequences, people are willing to take the risk," he explained.
The website being hacked has posed another challenge, one that is more immediate than the overarching questions of right and wrong. Users whose details have been leaked are already facing extortion threats. What support is available in a country where adultery is against the law? "Adultery is illegal in India,” confirmed top cop Abhishek Goyal. “Ashley Madison ‘can’ be charged with abettment, theoretically speaking. However, there is no bar on websites like these in India."
No matter how emphatically websites promise confidentiality, nothing is foolproof, said an eminent technology expert on condition of anonymity. "India doesn't provide secure servers like other countries and websites don't want to spend that much money on safety," he explained. "People know the risk involved, it just doesn't stop them," he said.
Work-centric lifestyles, corporate environments that are highly Westernised and jobs that involve travel have only enhanced extra marital affairs, he added. "Ashley Madison is well within its rights legally, as far as registration goes, because it was set up abroad. Of course, a similar company cannot be set up in India, neither can the government ban a site that is registered somewhere else and catering to Indians."
