Will it be pasta or pongal? The moderns weigh against tradition

When Sukanya R got married nine years ago, she lived with her in-laws for a year. Her husband's work then took them abroad and when they shifted back to Chennai two years later, the couple opted to set up their own home.
“My parents live close by and my in-laws live about 45 minutes away but we decided to have our own place and nobody objected," says the 32-year-old homemaker from Mylapore.The arrangement suits everyone as the younger and older generations differ in their choice of food as well as entertainment. “Though all of us are vegetarians, my husband and children love to try other cuisine, such as Mexican and Mediterranean.But, it is tough to make my parents and in-laws even try pasta as they are fussy about the food they eat," she says.
Whether it is cuisine or clothes, the clash of modernity and tradition is having an impact on family size, with youngsters as well as the elderly among the urban affluent preferring to maintain separate residences.
“The decline of the joint family started with urbanization, which made people move to the cities and its suburbs.TN is highly urbanised with 48% of the population living in urban areas. And the one thing that goes with urbanisation is nuclear families,“ says Loyola Institute for Social Science Training and Research social scientist Ber nard D'Sami. “When people move to the city, they are looking at earning more money and those who don't work, elderly or siblings without jobs, are considered non-productive."
In the last couple of decades, the change in the family system has been rapid, say experts. “One of the reasons is the high educational levels in south India. As long as people had a BA or BSc, they listened to their parents but a generation came up that was more educated than their parents. So they felt they knew more," says cultural historian and president CP Ramaswamy Aiyar Foundation Nanditha Krishna. “Earlier the head of the family made all the decisions.“
Changes in lifestyle and work culture added to the unravelling of the joint family.“Eating together was a ritual in a joint family. But with people working late, or preferring to watch TV , it changed.Communication broke down as sapadu time broke down," she says. With more people going out to work, other changes also came about, creating points of conflict.“Caste got neutralized because when people work together they are not bothered what caste or religion their colleagues belonged to," says D'Sami. “Inter-caste and inter-religious marriages also became more common."
Food, attire, entertain ment and eating out are often flashpoints, leading to conflict. When Prathap Balasubramanian* married Jenny Xavier* two years ago, they tried living with his parents for a year. “But it didn't work out as my parents are strict vegetarians who won't allow even eggs in the kitchen while my wife can't do without meat and fish," says Balasubramanian. “My wife is more comfortable in western clothes but my parents frowned upon it. Finally, to avoid such strains and stress, we took up another apartment."
For Sukanya and her husband too, living on their own meant a life they wanted.“Earlier, we had school and college friends who came home. Now, we invite colleagues who also bring their own friends and I am not sure my parents or in laws would be comfortable with the way we unwind, with music and drink," she says. “We often party till 3am and come back late, I am not sure if they would be happy with it."
Many elderly people also prefer to live on their own, if they can afford it. When Anuradha Seshadri's husband died, her daughter wanted her to move in with them.“But I wanted to give them their space as their lifestyle is different. For instance, my idea of an evening out would be a visit a temple, while they would prefer a stand-up comedy," she says.
(*Names changed)