If the price is right, You just might, writes Sajid Khan

I seriously believe that we are all God’s children. But I also believe that somewhere, there is a bit of the Devil in all of us, which if left unchecked, could take over completely. To a great extent, perhaps our faith in the Almighty also exists because of the fear of the Devil. Now before you start feeling that I’m giving a pravachan, let me explain. Samjhaata hoon, samjhaata hoon…

The other night, I happened to watch the controversial classic, Indecent Proposal, again. Robert Redford, the billionaire, offers one million dollars to sleep with Demi Moore who happens to be Woody Harrelson’s wife. Woody accepts. The film, which released in 1993, had sparked off a huge amount of controversy and debate, thanks to its tagline: Would you let your wife sleep with a stranger for a million dollars? The reason why the film had an impact on me only recently and not 20 years ago is because in 1993, I was in my early 20s viewing this film for its bold content rather than the bigger meaning behind it. Now, I realise that money is the ultimate problem and also the ultimate solution. Money just doesn’t tempt; it is the final temptation.

This is something that kept playing on my mind even as I was on my way for dinner at a friend’s house. Is money the ultimate bait? I decided to explore this further that night —hypothetically of course. My driver who has been with me for the last 15 years was a bit surprised when I asked him: If someone offered you a crore to commit a murder, would you do it? He immediately said no. I was very impressed with his honesty and righteousness. Thirty seconds later, I asked him what if you were offered two crores? He laughed and said: No bhai. Who will look after my family if I go to jail? Plus, killing somebody is wrong.

At that time, in my heart, I was so happy that I had such a good-hearted staff member that I decided to hike his pagaar by `1000. One kilometre ahead, I decided to test him some more. What if someone gave you five crores to commit the same crime, I asked him. I made the deal even sweeter: You will not go to jail and the person you kill is a stranger. His answer then stumped me. He said: Which weapon do I have to use? Gun or knife? Your bare hands, I replied. You have to strangle him in his sleep. He said: Then I’ll do it for 10 crores. At that time, I wanted to strangle him with my bare hands but since he was at the wheel and no one was offering me any money, I decided to let him live. The moment we reached our destination, he told me: Bhai, main toh sirf mazaak kar raha tha. To which I said: Really? What if someone gave you 20 crores? He said: Done. And I said: Arre main mazaak kar raha tha. But guess what? The `1000 rupees pagaar hike that I was considering was immediately terminated.

Shit! I realised I was being driven around for the last 15 years by an inexperienced, confused contract killer. It was all thanks to this temptation test, which I now decided to explore further at the dinner party I was invited to.

Since there were only eight of us, we were sitting and chatting when I decided to ask the host couple: How important are we friends to the two of you? They replied: You guys are our lifelines. You’re not just friends but family. We cannot think of our lives without you guys. To which everyone said: Awww… We love you too.

Devil Question Time. What if someone gave the two of you 10 crores to break your friendship with us permanently? Would you do it? The husband’s answer to this was like a Kadar Khan dialogue: Dus kya? Koi agar sau karod bhi dega, even then we won’t accept. We love you guys. To which everyone went once again: Awww… We love you too. How about 200 crores, I asked. 100 crores each. You get the money right now and this is the last you see of us. Pin-drop silence in the room followed. This time, the wife replied: You’re saying 100 crores each? He gets 100 and I get 100? What about service tax and TDS? I said, you get 100 each after cutting all taxes.

She then looked at her husband and he said: Are you mad? Sau kya, even hazaar karod ke liye, I won’t leave them. To which she replied: Arre, for 100 crores, I’ll leave you so who are they? Well, the Devil works in mysterious ways. Everyone laughed, joked and tried to change the topic towards other things like Bajrangi Bhaijaan, Minions and Bahubali. But the unspoken tension between the husband and wife was evidently visible. Because even while we were having dinner, he asked her all of a sudden: Will you really leave me for 100 crores? And she replied: No baby, I was joking. At that point, I turned to the husband and said: 500 crores!!! To you!!! To leave your wife forever!!! His silence ended the dinner.

When I came down from his apartment, my driver was almost in tears. He said: Bhai, please don’t get me wrong. I was only joking. Five minutes later, I asked him: 25 crores to kill a stranger. Take it or leave it. He instantly said: Done. I stopped the car and took a cab home.

Yaar, human behaviour bhi kamaal ki cheez hain. Of course, all this was hypothetical and just in theory. But I still believe no amount of money can buy off our emotions. Cheers to that. Errrr… Unless that amount is the correct amount (TDS and service tax kaat ke).