Are you still friends with your ex?

By Ritu Verma
Most love stories have similar fates. While some promise a lifetime of togetherness, others decide to part ways to find a new mate.

Irrespective of whether the break up is mutual or one-sided; a lot of people are curious about their ex-lovers wanting sometimes even to reconnect with their loved ones lost. Once the anger settles down, you put all your memories in your back pocket and decide to move on in life. It might take weeks, months or years, but over a period of time you grow as a person and you learn to forgive.

Chaya Majumdar, a marketing executive says, "Your ex lover knows you better than anybody else. You have shared all sorts of moments together. If things did not work out between the two of you as a couple, how does it make sense to lose a guy who was your best friend at one point of time? Though things can't remain same, but what's the harm in being in touch."

The duration may vary, but most of us end up as well-wishers to our ex lovers with the passage of time. If you learn to deal with a separation sensibly, then it's easier to sit across a coffee table with your ex in time.

Psychiatrist Dr Sanjay Chugh opines, "It is quite possible to develop a healthy relationship with your ex as you already share an emotional proximity and comfort level with that person. It requires a great amount of maturity that most of the people lack. The person should be willing to accept the change in the nature of relationship. "

Once a relationship ends, your ex occupies the role of a friend in your life. And just as you share a different chemistry level with all your friends, the dynamics with your ex metamorphoses through time. With some, you confide everything, with others you just kill time and then there are those with whom you go shopping, bowling and share beer pints. So let's check the varied categories of a healthy ex relationship:

She is my best buddy!

Jeten Rawat, a media person says. "In my case, my girlfriend decided to walk out of the relationship. But soon after, we realized that we still miss sharing our sorrows and success with each other. She remains the one with whom I can share anything and everything without even giving it a thought. I know we are not soul mates, but I couldn't find a better friend."
If you are forgiving enough, then it is easy to remain friends, after all, what is the point of living with lots of bitterness?

Some strings attached

Once an affair goes kaput, every part of the relationship definitely can't go back to normal, but if you manage to subtract possessiveness and expectations from the relationship, you will start enjoying whatever is left between you two.

Richa Tyagi, a medical student adds, "My boyfriend was scared of commitment, so after an intense argument I decided to call it off. After almost a year, I entered into a new relationship and that took all the bitterness away from me. I can't say that I am friends with my ex boyfriend, but yes I am in touch with him. He tries to be really nice and flirtatious with me sometimes. Whenever I talk to him I get this feeling that I am better off now and it satisfies my ego somewhere."

Oops! I did it again...

Some couples decide to be in touch even after their break up as there might be some old feelings left or they are just not ready to let go. However, such relationships come with a 'Handle with care' tag.

Model-turned-actress Nikita Anand feels, "I have friends who have given it a shot, but I am sure that it rarely happens. Being friends with your ex darling brings back a lot of nostalgic memories. Therefore, it's better to put a very strong line in-between. Always remember your priorities and keep your eyes and ears open."

Once broken, relationships of the heart often become very fragile when it comes to being 'just friends'.

Yamini, a PR consultant bares it all, "Almost after 2-3 years of our breakup, my ex contacted me through a social networking website. We exchanged numbers and started talking and meeting. He accompanied me to a camping trip and after a few drinks, I unintentionally shared some intimate moments with him. I am already into a steady relationship that is why the following morning I felt really guilty."

Psychiatrist Dr Samir Parikh explains, "Many a times being friends with your ex leads to a great deal of misinterpretations and misunderstandings. This can also create differences with your current partner. If you cross your limit sometime, then just keep convincing yourself that you have moved on in your life and your priorities have changed. Redefine your limits to avoid this in future."

Friends? Nah....

Being friends with your ex also depends on the nature of your break up. If you are not able forget the betrayal part of your relationship then its better to let it go.

Nidhi Tanwar, an airhostess states, "We were friends from long and developed special feelings for each other, but despite putting so much effort, we realized it was not working out. Obviously, it created friction between us, but still we managed to keep in touch. Calls and mails continued for almost a year and one day I got to know he was seeing one of my friends. I couldn't pretend being nice after that. I still feel disgusting when I think of him."

Being on friendly terms with your ex may look like a tricky task, but once you fit in a few things in your mind, the situation will appear much simpler. These guidelines will help you understand and respect the new nature of your association with maturity, leading to a healthy bond.

1. Your ex might not be so comfortable listening to the latest account of your hot date last night.

2. He is not bound to make 10 calls to you in a day.

3. His smell or touch may bring back memories of intimate moments. Be prepared to tackle it. Maintain physical distance.

4. Forgiveness is the best way to leave grudges behind.

5. Recall the time when you were just friends and how much you enjoyed it.

6. In a practical situation, your current beau wouldn't be too pleased to hear about your reunion with your ex. So the best thing is to judge and prioritize your relationship with your ex and be candid about it to your present beau. Introduce them and remember to maintain a line between you both to avoid jeopardising your present relationship. Consequently, try and get familiar with your ex's present lover/spouse to maintain a healthy balance.

7. If you still feel jealous with his arm candy, atleast don't make it obvious.

8. If you just bump into your ex and feel like slapping him, then it's a clear indication that the concept of healthy friendship is not meant for you. Forgive him as bearing grudges will not allow you to move ahead in life, accept it as a closed chapter.