Roger Federer issued a 48-emoji statement on Friday describing his off day at Wimbledon. For sake of clarity, we have transcribed it for you, the FTW reader.

Here in Great Britain, on the planet earth things were definitely pretty good. I checked my iPhone and realized it was not charged, thus keeping me from all my important interviews, which I am happy to do, of course. I also couldn’t have conversations with my friends Anna Wintour …

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… or Gavin Rossdale …

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… and Candy Crush wouldn’t work either, which was an unfortunate thing because I’ve been feeling very good out there playing it.

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Usually someone plugs my phone in for me, so after Mirka did that, I put the children to bed, then I went to bed myself, snoring very loudly, because, look, I’ve strived to become a good snorer and hope to do at a high level every time I step out into the bed.

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Soon, the alarm went off, awakening me to a cloudy day. I took a shower, put on a shirt, had some coffee, ate a single egg and then got a brain massage because I heard Novak sleeps in a pod and I thought I would try something similar but not a pod because it doesn’t seem gentlemanly.

Then it was 12:30 and time to be driven in a small blue car that doesn’t appear to be a Mercedes but should be because Mercedes is the only car I have my staff drive me in.

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Then I got out and walked and, somehow, time went backward because it was now noon. At this point, I realized the blue car wasn’t blue at all, but was a black DeLorean driven by a crazy, wild-eyed scientist and the young man from Family Ties.

The sun came out, which causes plants to grow through a process known as metamorphosis. I then played tennis with Stefan.

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Though it may look like I punched out Nick Kyrgios next, that’s not correct because I love all my fellow players — Nick really plays some great tennis and I think his vibrancy is good for the tour. He’s certainly on the list of up-and-coming stars. I look forward to his career but can’t say I’ve watched many of his matches here because I’ve been busy preparing for my own. Instead I bestowed upon him a fist bump that the girls told me are called “dapz.”

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I then visited an establishment called “Sparkles” and showered again before eating strawberries and getting into another car.

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My dinner was far bigger than my breakfast, with spaghetti, meat eaten by the guards from Zelda, a chocolate bar (hopefully Lindt!), ice cream and then another coffee. It made me so happy that I received another head message.

The TV was on when I returned and I watched Wimbledon highlights and was confused not to see any of me but then Mirka reminded me that I hadn’t played today. I smiled. During these highlights I saw that Rafa had lost, which is tough because he’s such a great champion who’s done so much for the sport.

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But he’ll be back. Then I smiled again. Then the sun turned to rain and I had an idea: Let’s play darts! This idea made me happy! So I clapped my hands and asked for a dartboard but, alas, none was brought forth.

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And thus ended the day off for me, Roger Federer.

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