9 Types Of Guys On Shaadi.Com And Why They're Not Getting Lucky

Matrimony is funny business in India. Everybody from your chachis to your padoswali aunties will try to match you with random Bittoos and Bablis. “Munda kamata kitna haiga?” (How much does your son earn?) “Ladki ka weight kya hai?” (How much does your daughter weigh?). And when none of the local matchmaking experts are able to help you, you are promoted to Shaadi.com or any other matrimonial website. 

We know you are too cool to be on a matrimonial website, but let’s face it, almost everybody single and over 25 finds himself/herself on Shaadi.com, or any other matrimonial site. Like our gender ratio, the number of boys clearly outweighs the number of girls on these sites. We take a look at the types of guys there are on these sites, and attempt to understand why they are not getting laid….correction getting married.  

1. The One Whose Parents Manage His Profile

Now this type is the one whose parents have created a matrimonial profile for him, with or without his knowledge. If you ask him if he is on Shaadi, he’d be like, “Dude, no way! It’s just my old folks who keep scouting for bahus.” 

2. The One Who Only Wants To Get Laid

Okay, Tinder didn’t help them. Either they are too ugly or the girls were too prudish. This type thinks the best way to get into a woman’s pants is the promise of marriage, period. 

3. The Fake Profile

He is too good to be true. He wines in Italy, dines in Germany, and flies to London to have breakfast. He looks stunning – six-pack abs, crisp white shirt that is unbuttoned to show his waxed chest, conditioned hair flowing in the sea breeze as he strikes a handsome pose on his personal yacht in Hawaii.  One look at the profile and you know it’s probably a photoshopped picture and a fake profile.

4. The NRI

He has an air of sophistication that comes with having lived abroad for long (sometimes, it comes even after a 2-month internship in University of Honolulu). The hair will be gelled, and the beard trimmed perfectly, and the muscles flexing in the right direction. A decent command over the English language, and a seemingly good sense of humour. This, by far, is the most stylish of the lot. Only if he isn’t posing with his firang friends and making a victory sign with the hands. 

5. The Wanna Fraandship Guy

No matter how good looking his profile picture is, or how well-settled he is in his career, his online behavior is enough to drive away the chikas.  Every time he sees a woman online, he goes “Hey.” No reply. 

“Hey hi.” Girl declines his request. 

“Hey why you rejected mah offer?” No response. 

“Hey U R beautiful. I want your friend. Baby.” Spam reported. 

6. The Fry-Puris-For-Me Brigade

Seriously, this one just needs a cook. And a washing machine. And a housekeeper. He might pretend to be the biggest businessman in his city too. He will boast about his vast ancestral lineage and his big house and bigger family. But he will still want the wife-to-be to fry puris for him while he sits in front of his LCD television sipping kesar sherbet. 

7. The I-Am-In-A-Business-Meeting Guy 

This type is always dressed in a three-piece-suit and has an I-am-so-fucking-cool expression on his face. He probably works in an MNC, and behaves like everybody’s boss. He likes to quote his salary package during conversations, talks a lot about his boss and his car, and most of his pictures have him wearing a formal suit, laptop in hand, eyebrows knitted, looking into the distance. 

8. The Tu-Janta-Hai-Mere-Papaji-Kaun-Hain Guy 

Unless your daddyji is the president of the United States, you don’t try to impress by showing off your father’s and father’s brother’s professional status and success. Don’t spend long paragraphs ranting about how your dadaji’s mamaji once travelled in the same train as the Queen. The profile of this person will have his entire family history – 2 sentences about him and eighty sentences about his family. He will describe in detail how everybody in his family is a doctor or an IAS or a minister’s son’s playmate. 

9. The Nice Guy 

Hidden in the sea of stalkers and muscle-flexing NRIs, is the nice guy. He has a decent job – is most probably an engineer, reads books, plays a musical instrument, travels enough, and all that shizz. Out of the 20 requests he sends, 15 get rejected because the women probably mistake him to be one of the above 9 types.

So guys, if (god forbid) you plan to create an account on a matrimonial website, you know what to do and what NOT to do.  

P.S.- This article is not sponsored by any matrimonial website, or any chachi or mami, looking to lure innocent young boys to start looking for brides online. Many people have found life partners on Shaadi.com and are hopefully living happily ever since. We truly believe it is a good platform to find life partners. And anyway, everybody loves online shopping! :P

Photo: © Dharma Productions (Main Image)