The medieval Baba Ramdev: Who needs leeches, when you have Patanjali to cure every ill?

“A chat with Baba Ramdevji in-flight I realised he is ancient believer of Vedic science when there was no religion?”

“Had 2 hours long good chat with superman baba ram dev ji during flight. Man with 4K company and no money in his a/c?”

No, I didn’t write either of those two paeans to Baba Ramdev. But stellar filmmaker, Subhash Ghai did. (Since a picture speaks a thousand words, here goes.)

Had 2 hours long good chat with superman baba ram dev ji during flight. Man with 4K company and no money in his a/c? pic.twitter.com/4qe3SLAceC

— Subhash Ghai (@SubhashGhai1) May 1, 2015

A chat with Baba ramdev ji inflight I realised 'he is ancient believer of Vedic science when there was no religion? pic.twitter.com/Hf8iP2ymbz

— Subhash Ghai (@SubhashGhai1) May 1, 2015

And the maker of Yaadein and Taal may not be too far from the truth. Because after careful study, I have realised that Baba Ramdev is indeed no ordinary mortal.

Here is a man who can conduct miracles. He can cure homosexuality. Bring back India’s black money. Cross dress with élan. Reject a Cabinet post in Haryana, while others hold on to theirs for dear life. He can give us the gift of male offspring – and then deny it. And he has a sidekick  whose antecedents are under a cloud.

Forget Superman, even Jesus didn’t have these many talents.

Of course Ramdev’s able supporters will immediately rush to his defence to write copious comments on how he never promised us male heirs. And yes, I read his tweet where he wrote that “‘Putrajivak’ is classical ayurvedic name & deals with infertility issues not gender selection”.

This according to me is actually a strike against the good Baba-ji. What good is a Baba if he can’t guarantee his followers a male scion? I also quite liked his argument that the medicine only costs Rs 30, so he’s hardly making a profit. So by pricing it at Rs 30, he’d made sure that every misogynist bigot – across all bank balances - could lay their hands on the son-maker. A detail that seems to have eluded him, or has it?

Even if you look past this minor deficiency in his curative prowess - of not being able to guarantee us a son - the Babaji should be appreciated for his other achievements. Most recently, he was in the news because Patanjali Yogpeeth has emerged as one of the largest purchasers of red sanders.

In fact, in a recent auction by the Andhra Pradesh government, Patanjali purchased 706 tonnes of red sanders for Rs 207cr. Reportedly, Baba-ji is the only domestic purchaser of red sanders. What does he use the sanders for? You got me. But in China, the wood is used for its aphrodisiac properties. Going by the plethora of medicines available for fertility issues on his website, I can only guess that the sanders are being put to good use.

Another reason for my affection for the Baba is his focus on all things Indian and indigenous. He makes the same products as MNCs, but at a much lower price. He is also one of India’s inexplicable but heartening success stories, a first generation entrepreneur and a dropout much like that other great man, Mr Gautam Adani. According to a report in The Times Of India, Patanjali Ayurved, the company that manufactures Babaji’s products – including Putrajeev - clocked a turnover of about Rs 1,200 crore in fiscal 2015, up from about Rs 850 crore a year earlier and Rs 450 crore in fiscal 2012. In the current fiscal, Patanjali is expected to clock a turnover of Rs 2,000 crore, a 67 percent jump from the previous fiscal. Yes, he’s had a few run-ins with the income tax authorities in the past, but haters will be haters.

But the main reason I am a fan of the Baba-ji is because he is the only person who can cure the incurable. Much like Jesus, no infirmity or genetic snafu is impossible for him to fix. While looking, unsuccessfully I must add, for some pills to ensure not only immaculate conception but also a male heir to my throne, I chanced upon yet another gem in the Patanjali trove. One I’m surprised has gone unnoticed. This is the Ayurvedic package for the treatment of “mental retardation and mongoloid children”. If you’d like to buy the package, simply click here on the official website for Patanjali Ayurved  (Under FAQs, Ramdev is listed as the founder). And before it gets miraculously deleted like the Putrajivak page, here are some screenshots.

Yes, you read it right. For as little as Rs 870, you can ensure that you prevent mental retardation in your child or cure it. And you can even treat your “mongoloid children”.

I cannot even fathom what all falls under the gamut of “mental retardation” in the world of the good Baba. If it’s cerebral palsy, someone should explain the finer points of the disease to him and let him know that it is a neurological disorder which is incurable. Not a mild case of cough that you pop some pills for and emerge cured. But of course, if he can cure homosexuality, what stops him from curing cerebral palsy?

Maybe “mental retardation” includes other disorders as well such as cretinism or even learning disorders such as dyslexia. For Baba Ramdev and Patanjali, it seems all disorders and disabilities fall under one large category – that of “mental retardation”. I suppose we should just be impressed he hasn’t called it the treatment of “mad” children. Someone should also let the talented Baba know that we no longer refer to children with Down’s Syndrome as Mongoloid and that the term is both racist as well as misleading and has not been in use since the Seventies. Next thing we know, he’ll be selling Ayurvedic treatments for ‘Chinky’ children.

I’m waiting with bated breath to hear how I’ve misinterpreted what is being sold in the bazaar of miracle cures known as Patanjali. Or maybe I should look forward instead to the announcement that people with “mental retardation and mongoloid features” will be cured if they simply attend joint yoga classes with the homosexuals every Friday at Baba-ji’s yoga ashram.

And just in case you think Babaji’s cures are limited to “mental retardation”, think again. He can also cure you of Parkinson’s disease . So what if Mayo Clinic says Parkinson’s can’t be cured, Baba-ji knows best. What do those American sods know? It is this inexplicable ability to do the impossible, which makes him Superman – one who, if the occasion demands, sometimes dresses as Lois Lane. What’s even more impressive than his ability to rid the world of homosexuals and mongoloid children is that not only is he being allowed to peddle his dubious cures, he is being awarded and rewarded by the government of the day for doing so.

There is one final reason why we should all strike a yogic pose in support of Baba Ramdev. And that’s because he takes us back to simpler times. When, if you weren’t getting pregnant, you simply visited a baba-ji or a yogi in a dimly lit obscure ashram or roadside tent lined with various jari-booti, and would discover that a little fertilised egg has found its way into your uterus. Or if you had a “mad” relative or two, or a blind one, or a gay one, you could just visit a rishi and get the damn thing exorcised out of him or her.

Baba Ramdev is our Millenium Baba, with his head in the Middle Ages, and a profit making model made purely for the 21st century. You don’t need to visit him in some tiny smelly tent propped up on the side of the street. Thanks to him and his new age solutions, you and your prejudices and low levels of awareness can simply log onto his website and find a cure to whatever social ill you feel you have been struck down with. After all, if there’s one thing you can depend on, it’s that Baba-ji will keep an eye out for you, or at least your wallet.