Work that boyfriend muscle

By Nonita Kalra
It seems there is a new muscle group that has been neglected by the thirty something male. And while its development is not regarded as desirable in the early years, its absence is sorely felt at a later stage.
It is the biggest muscle group that helps boys get the girls. And instead of giant weights to bulk up, all you need is maturity and a sense of responsibility. Meet the boyfriend muscle.

Earlier this month The Cut, New York magazine’s digital fashion destination, ran a piece about the boyfriend muscle. It asked women a few hard hitting questions. Starting with simple ones like does he remember your birthday, where you are from, does he always meet for drinks not dinner… all seemingly innocuous.

And then came the clincher: When was the last time he was in a serious relationship? If the answer was, “not for many years”, then he has the dreaded “Flabby boyfriend muscle”.

It took his latest break up for the author of the piece, Jeff Wilser, to discover that he too was “diagnosed with this condition”. It seems he really liked the girl and things were going well. “Then one night, after a couple of months, my iPhone does this strange thing where it emits a loud, curious sound, which I can only describe as a ‘ringing’-type noise, and apparently it received something called a ‘phone call’. She was calling me.” To have the talk. With good reason. It seems the author didn’t put in the work to be a boyfriend. So apart from zero calls, there were no charming surprises, no thoughtful gestures, none of the stuff that he labels as ‘Suitor 101’. After some introspection and research, which involved talking to other male friends, he realised the big problem was that he was “unable to bridge Dating Mode to Relationship Mode”.

So Wilser, who is also founding editor of ThePlunge.com (a website for grooms), decided to get professional advice to fix this malaise. The solution: Find a practice girlfriend to build boyfriend muscle. One psychotherapist suggests that he should think of it as repetitions in the gym. Another comes up with a “concrete plan” of sending flowers every two weeks to show that you are a good boyfriend.

While the piece is naively American with its tendency to demand a quick fix, it definitely applies to the young Indian man who thinks he is doing women a favour by going out with them. Arranged marriages mean that Mummy does the hunting and gathering, you briefly flex some relationship muscle to get engaged and then can go back to your old ways of being emotionally lazy. I briefly dated a manboy who hated all the things that made a relationship.

Like phoning each other or sharing feelings. Yet he was put out that he hadn’t found ‘the one’. When this anthropological experiment (for me) ended, I told him he was the only thing that was coming in the way of a shaadi card. You need to work to be in a relationship. That is the only way to have one.

Funnily enough, part of a man’s outrage comes from the thought that it is easier for the woman. You are very wrong. Let me tell you a secret: All women play at relationships. When I was single, I went out everywhere I was invited. I said yes to dates that were definite no nos. And I kissed enough frogs to know that the Prince was just a fairy tale. Or at best a Doberman in Dadar East.

(The author is a lifestyle journalist and former ELLE editor-in-chief.)