Are we raising a generation of narcissistic twits? Telling children they’re “special” is not good for them and not good for society, says a new study in an American journal, Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences (hey, that sounds catchy — get me a subscription now.) Call me Oprah Winfrey, but I disagree: we are all special. And the more we realise that, and the younger we realise that, the less likely we are to be egotistical maniacs.
But first, the clinical results. They suggest that Generation Diva is on the horizon. Based on 565 children aged between 7 and 11 in the Netherlands interviewed at three-month intervals over the course of a year, the survey found that “children believe it when their parents tell them they are more special than others.” The research concludes: “Parental warmth and encouragement may be a better strategy than inflating the ego.”
Yet where do you draw the line? The fact is, we need to give children more love, not less. There is no such thing as too much love. Still, though, there are lots of psychological studies suggesting that children are becoming too self-entitled.
In the United States, for instance, psychologist Carol Dweck has done fascinating work on the “perils of praise.” Her research showed that intelligent children were quick to give up on challenging schoolwork. Why? Because all their life they had been told they were smart. They didn’t want to contradict that evaluation by making a mistake. So they gave up as soon as they found something difficult. Dweck advises praising children for effort, resilience and stamina, rather than for being intrinsically intelligent.
I’m a bit disappointed by the Netherlands, incidentally. I’d have thought their kids would be smart, decent and humble people already speaking fluent English with a lot of shushy sounds. The survey says “Nee.” Instead they are bigheads who believe they “deserve something extra in life.” In reality, the Dutch research is nuanced and this is the line many parents tread: “People with high self-esteem think they’re as good as others, whereas narcissists think they’re better than others.” Away from the headlines about middle-class pampered children the truth is, many children are not loved. They are not made to feel special, and they are resented. They get in the way of their parents’ lives.
Far from thinking they’re better than others, many children think they’re worse. Or they are parented in an overcompensatory way: treated as little princes and princesses because their parents feel guilty about not giving them enough time and attention, so give treats and lavish empty praise instead.
In the broadest terms, this is a huge turnaround from the prevailing parenting trends of the 1950s, which were still in evidence when I was growing up in the 1970s, a hangover from “being seen and not heard”: don’t let children think they’re anything special: don’t spoil them; don’t mollycoddle them. These messages are great news for therapists — you have to spend years unpicking this stuff. So surely, if this new Dutch study is right, that’s the end of therapy. The new generation of narcissists will be too busy out grabbing stuff and getting what they want to bother with insecurity and introspection.
It seems highly unlikely, however, that a significant proportion of children believe they are not only “special” (once again I invoke Oprah Winfrey: we’re all special) but “more special than others.”
The more accepted you make a child feel, the more that child is able to be rounded, generous and altruistic as an adult. Otherwise you end up seeking in adulthood the love and acceptance and “special” feelings you didn’t get in childhood. And that is a long and doomed quest usually punctuated by substance abuse.
Just in case, though, I did a survey on my own children, asking: “Are you more special than other people?” The four-year-old nodded emphatically but then got suspicious, and said, “No more questions.” Eight year-old: “Well, I think you would say I am special because I am your daughter. But I know I am not actually special.” Eleven year-old: “Are you saying I’m special needs?” The kids are all right.
What this survey is really about is not how we make children feel, but how people feel about their parenting. And the answer, in the 21st century, is always this: guilty and paranoid. So who are the real narcissists here? — © Guardian Newspapers Limited, 2015
